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Artist: Sammy Hagar
Album: Three Lock Box
From: Vintage Vinyl
Year: 1982
Label: Geffen Records
What it sounds like: The exhaust pipe of a white trash Ferrari
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Artist: Chuck Mangione
Album: Fun and Games
From: Vintage Vinyl
Year: 1980
Label: A&M Records
What it sounds like: Fluttering flugelhorn flatulence. (Say it five times fast)
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Artist: Elton John
Album: Live in Australia with the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra
From: Vintage Vinyl
Year: 1987
Label: MCA Records
What it sounds like: A big gay rock opera.
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Artist: Stillwater
Album: I Reserve the Right!
From: Vintage Vinyl
Year: 1978
Label: Capricorn Records
What it sounds like: A real band that's not as good as a made-up one/Southern butt-rock/ Lynyrd Skynyrd-meets-Foghat.
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Artist: Slave
Album: Slave
From: Vintage Vinyl
Year: 1977
Label: Cotillion Records
What it sounds like: George Clinton and P-Funk performing during an acid trip gone bad.
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Artist: Phil
Collins
Album: No Jacket Required
From: Vintage Vinyl
Year: 1985
Label: Atlantic Records
What it sounds like: The 80's Dance Pop Special: A smooth synthesizer groove, with an order of keyboards, drum machines, and
horns on the side.
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Artist: Michael
Bolton
Album: (Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay
From: Vintage Vinyl
Year: 1988
Label: CBS Records
What it sounds like: Sacrilege: The classic Otis Redding song redone "When a Man Loves a Woman"-style.
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Artist: June
Pointer
Album: Baby Sister
From: Vintage Vinyl
Year: 1983
Label: Planet Records
What it sounds like: The youngest Pointer sister takes a turn as a nymphomaniacal disco diva.
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Artist: Aretha
Franklin
Album: Jumpin' Jack Flash
From: Vintage Vinyl
Year: 1986
Label: Arista Records
What it sounds like: Aretha Franklin slurring her words like Mick Jagger over "street" renditions of the classic Stones song.
Artist: Captain
& Tennille
Album: Dream
From: Vintage Vinyl
Year: 1978
Label: A&M Records
What it sounds like: Jimmy Buffett + The Beach Boys + Barbra Streisand + Elton John/Scissor Sisters + Diana Ross = Captain & Tennille.
Artist: Full
Force
Album: Get Busy 1 Time!
From: Euclid Records
Year: 1986
Label: Columbia Records
What it sounds like: The missing link between Big Daddy Kane and Boyz II Men--not quite hip-hop, not quite R&B, not quite jazz, quite horrendous.
Artist: Robert
Brookins
Album: Come To Me
From: Vintage Vinyl
Year: 1987
Label: MCA Records
What it sounds like: DeBarge crossed with Bobby Brown doing a Prince imitation. Cheesy '80's R&B at its glorious worst.
Album: That's What Love Songs Often Do
From: The Record Exchange, North Olmsted, Ohio
Year: 1995
Label: Polygram Records
What it sounds like: The post-Weezer feeding frenzy, when major labels signed any band with tendencies toward grungy power-pop and heartfelt melodies. Also, the type of rock found in the Chicago/Champaign area in the 1990s.
Artist: The
Schola Cantorum of SS. Cyril and the Methodius Seminary, Directed by Rev. Henry
A. Waraksa
Album: Christmas In Poland
From: Vintage Vinyl
Year: Unknown.
Label: Capitol Records
What it sounds like: Christmas in Gitmo.
Artist: Rufus and
Chaka
Album: Masterjam
From: Vintage Vinyl
Year: 1979
Label: MCA Records
What it sounds like: The awkward, disco, Jan Brady middle child between Kool and the Gang and Thriller.
Album: Joel Diamond Experience
From: Vintage Vinyl
Year: 1979
Artist: Head East
Album: Flat As A Pancake
From: Vintage Vinyl
Year: 1975
Label: A&M Records
What it sounds like: People from Southern Illinois trying to play southern rock—like Lynyrd Skynyrd meets AC/DC. The kind of thing that’s been reincarnated by the likes of the Drive-By Truckers and Blitzen Trapper.
Artist: Sweetbottom
Album: Angels of the Deep
From: Vintage Vinyl
Year: 1978
Label: Elektra/Asylum Records
What it sounds like: If Frank Zappa made an all-instrumental smooth jazz record.
Artist: Thompson Twins
Album: Into the Gap
From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.
Year: 1984
Label: Arista Records
What it sounds like: The Police with David Bowie vocals doing world music. Also, 1984.
Artist: Tommy Cash
Album: Rise and Shine
From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.
Year: 1970
Label: Epic Records
What it sounds like: Johnny Cash -- but with a higher voice, no attitude, less talent, mediocre songwriting and much, much poorer production. So really, it’s a cheap imitation of Johnny Cash.
Artist: Mick Jagger
Album: She’s The Boss
From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.
Year: 1985
Label: Columbia Records
What it sounds like: The Rolling Stones cover Huey Lewis and the News, discover synthesizers and drum machines and hire Herbie Hancock to play them.
Artist: Jackson Browne
Album: Hold Out
From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.
Year: 1980
Label: Elektra/Ayslum Records
What it sounds like: That unique Jackson Browne blend of singer/songwriter, country, early Springsteen, and late ‘70s/early ‘80s rock (like the more sissy Van Halen songs). Basically, he was the Conor Oberst of those decades.
Artist: The Oak Ridge Boys
Album: Bobbie Sue
From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.
Year: 1982
Label: MCA Records
(click for a close-up of that amazing beard)
What it sounds like: Hank Williams Jr. without the football, some Beach Boys-style vocal harmonies and also some yodeling.
Artist: Jeff Lorber
Album: Step By Step
From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.
Year: 1984
Label: Artista Records
What it sounds like: A combination of the worst elements of disco, new wave, smooth jazz and ‘80s hip-hop.
Artist: REO Speedwagon
Album: Nine Lives
From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.
Year: 1979
Label: Epic Records
What it sounds like: Chugging a tallboy of Busch while speeding down a dirt road in a red, t-top Camaro. The bastard spawn of Led Zeppelin. Butt Rock.
Artist: Cock Robin
Album: Cock Robin
From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.
Year: 1985
Label: Columbia Records
What it sounds like:. Equal parts Joy Division, early REM, duet power ballad, and John Hughes film soundtrack.
Artist: Nona Hendryx
Album: Nona
From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.
Year: 1983
Label: RCA Records
What it sounds like: Diana Ross crossed with “Like A Virgin”-era Madonna over the same disco funk synthesizer beats currently being recycled by Ghostland Observatory and !!!.
Best Track: “Living on the Border.” Soaring keyboard riffs and heavy bass synthesizers open this song and provide a dark tone that matches the lyrics -- which, remarkably, aren’t that bad. “Some people think that they should be/ the conscience of society/ telling me and telling you/what to wear and what to do/ see I don’t mind what you do/ as long as I can do the same to you.” When a snaking, reverb-drenched guitar solo comes in, I can’t help but think that this is the exact same thing MGMT is doing right now. They just kindly left out the disco part.
Worst Track: “Transformation.” This one tries to have the same serious lyrics/ disco-funk combo as some of the other tracks, but ends up falling flat. We get a creaking, methodical synthesizer and then snappy three word lines about “transformation” that are straight-up teenage diary material, “On to off/ push to shove/hate to love/ in and out/it’s all about/they’re just transformations/variations/alternations/deviations.”
It gets really good when backup singers start giving emphatic an emphatic, high-pitched “Hoo!” in between each rhyme. For instance: “Life to death/weak to strength (hoo!)/cash a check/change your sex (hoo!)”
Who you can thank for the amazing cover art: Cover photo: Uwe Ommer, Makeup: Rene de Chamizo, Hair: Stanley James (who deserves extra credit for his work here), and Creative Director: Tony King
Artist: Salt-n-Pepa
Album: “Shake Your Thang” b/w “Spinderalla’s Not a Fella (But a Girl DJ)”
From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.
Year: 1988
Label: Next Plateau Records
What it sounds like: The all-girl, black version of the Beastie Boys.
Best Track: “Shake Your Thang.” This is the straight-up jam. It opens with an über-catchy piano riff backed by bongos and is quickly followed with a sample of the Isley Brothers’ classic “It’s Your Thing” with lots of “ow, shake it” and “get funky” thrown in for good measure.
The lyrics are flat-out awesome: “They call us nasty, said we dance dirty, claimed we were freaks, cheap, even flirty…Pepa got pissed and pulled out a pump I was all set to jet not to jump, Spin broke it up and asked not to break, said they don’t understand the way you…Shake yo’ thang…” Also love the late-‘80s hair reference with the line, “Friday night and I just got paid, I’m checkin’ out the fella with the high-top fade.” They just don’t make ‘em like this anymore.
Best Track Number 2: “Spinderella’s Not A Fella (But a Girl DJ).” This was the ultimate Beastie Boys-inspired joint, with each girl emphatically punctuating the other’s rhymes. Obviously, because it’s a song for their DJ, there’s was lots of action on the 1’s and 2’s, scratchin’ out the old school hip-hop rhythms. Samples of James Brown screeching “Ow,” “Yeah,” “Hey” and “Alright” add more spice.
Lyrically it’s a playful ode to Spinderella herself, with line’s like: “Listen to what I’m sayin on the mic/She’s hard as a man, too sexy for a dyke,” and my personal favorite, “Because it’s a girl don’t mean jack, if Jill tried to ill she’d get slapped.”
Worst Track: For the first time in Second Spin’s history there wasn’t one. Perhaps because there were only two songs on the album.
Who you can thank for the amazing cover art: Photography by Janette Beckman, Concept and Design by Jeff Faville
Artist: Manfred Mann’s Earth Band
Album: Somewhere in Afrika
From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.
Year: 1983
Label: Artista Records
What it sounds like: The Police crossed with Daft Punk incorporating African chanting and Zulu-language lyrics about black power. In other words, the next Vampire Weekend album.
Best Track: “Runner.” Half of the album is classic early '80s tracks with keyboards, drum machines and high-pitched bass. The other half is an off-target, African-influenced concept album. This song comes from the former. Like any '80s number worth its weight in aviator shades, “Runner” constantly builds to an anthemic crescendo. It sounds like the training sequence from every movie from Quicksilver to Karate Kid. The lyrics of this song alone make you want to run along the beach and throw jabs at the air: “Hear the beat/see the sweat on the ground/watch your step keep your cool/ Though you can’t see what’s in front of you.”
All of this takes place over ambient synthesizers, tense strings, and a snapping drum machine punctuated by crunchy guitar riffs. Me gusta.
Worst Track: “Africa Suite: Brothers and Sisters of Africa, To Bantustan?, Koze Kebenini, and Brothers and Sisters of Azania." This was simply bizarre. Side 2 of the album featured three covers and this medley of Manfred Mann-penned Africa liberation/tribute/influenced songs. The “Suite” featured lots of chanting in Zulu and other African languages about “Bantustans,” explained in the liner notes as places where “Black families live without their men-folk who work hundreds of miles away in the big cities.” There was also a lot of exclamations of “Amandla” and “Awethu,” explained in the liner notes as “the black power slogan often chanted at funerals and meetings” in South Africa.
All of this chanting took place over arrangements that sounded like generic Police songs and included tinkling '80s keyboards, rippling drum machines and noodling butt-rock guitars. It all kind of freaked me out, actually.
Worst Track, Number Two: “Redemption Song (No Kwazulu)” A butchered cover of the classic Bob Marley song that featured techno-style synthesizers and power ballad electric guitars. Wince inducing.
Who you can thank for the amazing cover art: Cover by Martin Poole, modelmaking by Paul Baker.
Artist: Billy “Crash” Craddock
Album: Rub It In
From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.
Year: 1974
Label: ABC Records
What it sounds like: Chugging Wild Turkey at a roadhouse in Appalachia. Also, Hank Williams.
Best Track: “Farmer’s Daughter.” Like any good country song, this one tells a story. (Coincidentally, this story has served as a vessel for generations worth of dirty jokes.)
It starts out with a nice, smooth walking western bass line and Crash singing: “My old car up and overheated…so I walked on down a country road,” then he comes to a house and the middle of nowhere and of course meets “a farmer’s daughter, she was a cool drink of water for a thirsty man.”
There’s no phone and it’s too late to walk anywhere else so the farmer says (via Crash singing), “My daugher here can show you to the barn if you don’t mind sleepin in the hay….hey, hey, hey!” We all know what happens next. With steel guitar, ho-down fiddles, and even congos (!) this is the complete honky-tonk arrangement.
Best Track, Part Two: “Arkansas Red.” The record includes an ode to a prostitute named Arkansas Red. Actual lyrics: “Arkansas Red, who’s sleeping in your bed tonight? Is it just another drifter like me?” and “A woman like you has got a love she can share with a whole lot of men.” With fiddles going crazy, I felt like I should have been drinking bourbon from a big jug while listening to this song.
Worst Track: “Rub It In” The song, in which Crash reveals his fetish for suntan lotion, is set to a jangling piano melody, screeching steel guitars, and whining fiddles.
“I feel the tingle begin, you’re getting’ under my skin” he sings, as background singers The Nashville Edition chime in, “Rub it in, rub it in.” “Mmm…that feels good…put a little bit on my left shoulder, do it, put a little right bit…here. Do it”
I felt like I needed to take a shower after listening to this song.
Who you can thank for the amazing cover art: Photography by Jim McCrary.
Growlers Pub
Saint Louis, MO 
Vito's
St. Louis, MO 
Harpo's
Chesterfield, MO 
Uncle Bill's Pancake & Dinner House
St. Louis, MO 
Boogaloo
Maplewood, MO 
Square One Brewery
St. Louis, MO 
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