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Artist: Billy “Crash” Craddock

Album: Rub It In

From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.

Year: 1974

Label: ABC Records

What it sounds like: Chugging Wild Turkey at a roadhouse in Appalachia. Also, Hank Williams.

Best Track: “Farmer’s Daughter.” Like any good country song, this one tells a story. (Coincidentally, this story has served as a vessel for generations worth of dirty jokes.)
It starts out with a nice, smooth walking western bass line and Crash singing: “My old car up and overheated…so I walked on down a country road,” then he comes to a house and the middle of nowhere and of course meets “a farmer’s daughter, she was a cool drink of water for a thirsty man.”

There’s no phone and it’s too late to walk anywhere else so the farmer says (via Crash singing), “My daugher here can show you to the barn if you don’t mind sleepin in the hay….hey, hey, hey!” We all know what happens next. With steel guitar, ho-down fiddles, and even congos (!) this is the complete honky-tonk arrangement.

Best Track, Part Two: “Arkansas Red.” The record includes an ode to a prostitute named Arkansas Red. Actual lyrics: “Arkansas Red, who’s sleeping in your bed tonight? Is it just another drifter like me?” and “A woman like you has got a love she can share with a whole lot of men.” With fiddles going crazy, I felt like I should have been drinking bourbon from a big jug while listening to this song.

Worst Track: “Rub It In” The song, in which Crash reveals his fetish for suntan lotion, is set to a jangling piano melody, screeching steel guitars, and whining fiddles.
“I feel the tingle begin, you’re getting’ under my skin” he sings, as background singers The Nashville Edition chime in, “Rub it in, rub it in.” “Mmm…that feels good…put a little bit on my left shoulder, do it, put a little right bit…here. Do it”
I felt like I needed to take a shower after listening to this song.

Who you can thank for the amazing cover art: Photography by Jim McCrary.

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Artist: Rubicon

Album: Rubicon

From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.

Year: 1978

Label: 20th Century Fox Records

What it sounds like: Members of Queen and Pink Floyd circa 1980 take hallucinogens and cover Fleetwood Mac. Power ballads, Led Zep riffs, and, coming straight out of left field, some funk/soul flavor.

Best Track: “Closely.” Opens with a guitar riff that’s almost a direct copy of Led Zep’s “Whole Lotta Love.” After a killer bridge from the drums, a meandering distorted guitar solo builds into some Van Halen-style shredding. The lyrical highlights: “Touch me the way you do, hold me closely…ah” and “The feelin’ takes hold of me/I’m on fire/the desire/ only you can satisfy me.”

This song was circled in blue pen with two X’s next to it on the back cover of the album (see below). The previous owner had good taste. Kind of.

Worst Track: “Vanilla Gorilla” “You’ve heard of albino rhinos,” the lead singer wails to start the song, “But you ain’t never heard of a vanilla gorilla!” This is followed with catchy, palm-muted funk guitars and a herky-jerky slap bass line. Lead singer continues attempting his best Roger Daltrey impression with lines like “Nobody mess with him cause he get the best of ‘em!” and “Vanilla! Such a thrilla! Gorilla.” This was the psychedelic thing I was talking about earlier.

Who you can thank for the amazing cover art: I honestly thought this would be a metal band, even after seeing their mugshots on the back. Art direction by John Georgopoulos,. Illustration by Shusei Nagaoka. Photography by Evan Mower.

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Artist: Sea Level

Album: Cats on the Coast

From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.

Year: 1977

Label: Capricorn Records

What it sounds like: If the Grateful Dead were taken over by an egomaniacal keyboardist who wanted to make existential, jazz/alt-country elevator music.

Best Track: “Had to Fall.” The only song on this album with any flavor. That flavor? Spicy Cajun. The lyrics sound like a cheap Creedence knockoff: “I was down in Louisiana/ Underneath the Cajun moon/Way out in the middle of nowhere/Why’d I have to run into you/You with the voodoo eyes.” Of course they end up going back to her “little shack” that she calls “the palace of love.”

The song has lots of crunchy, bluesy guitar solos -- heavy on the wah pedal made this one palatable. Also, by far the most toned-down keyboards of any song -- in fact it was catchy, reminding a little bit of the keys on Spoon’s “My Mathematical Mind.”

Worst Track: “Storm Warning” Of the eight tracks on the album, four are instrumental. This one opens with a jaunty, tinkling keyboard solo that goes on. And on. And on. And on. It moves up and down the keys and eventually it’s like “Flight of the Bumblebee” on keyboard. This song would have sold a ton of ringtones back in the day to nerdy keyboardists. In fact, I’m going to go so far as to say Chuck Leavell, the keyboardist and acoustic piano player, is the Neil Peart of the keys.

Eventually, the drums kick in. Then we get an extended soprano sax that made me feel like Garth at the dentist in Wayne’s World. Then the keyboards come back and I just want the “storm” to come and put me out of my misery.

Who you can thank for the amazing cover art: They look like gay, hippie pirates marooned on a deserted island by the crew of the H.M.S. Buttrock. Art direction by Diana Marie Kaylan. Photography by David Alexander.

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Artist: Mel’isa Morgan

Album: Do Me Baby

From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.

Year: 1986

Label: Capitol Records

What it sounds like: Music by which to make love to your old lady. Only from the ‘80s -- not ironic, not trip-hop, and not Dan the Automater.

Best Track: “Do Me Baby.” A Prince cover, this song oozes, drips, and gushes sexuality just as much as the title would indicate. Let’s go straight to the lyrics: “Do me baby like you’ve never done before, ooh ooh, give it to me ‘til I just can’t take no more, c’mon do me baby.” This is all over finger snaps, a tinkling hi-hat and cheesy synthesizers. The outro may be the highlight of the song, as Morgan hits the high notes for a solid thirty seconds, saying nothing but “Do me, oh, do me oh, baby, ooooooooooohhhhhhhh.”

Worst Track: “I’ll Give It When I Want It.” Remember the South Park episode where Cartman forms Faith Plus One, a Christian rock band that takes songs obviously about sex and randomly inserts “Jesus” into the lyrics? This begs to be a Faith Plus One song. Cue a spastic synthesizer beat and fusion jazz bass and guitar, and….“I need to feel passion and desire deep inside Jesus. Don’t turn me on just to turn me off. I’ll give it when I want it, you know I will Jesus. Then you’ll get it, I’ll give it to you boy, you know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout. When you’re around Jesus, I’m like heat in the flames, I up and down.”

(Honorable mention for worst track has to go out to “Fool’s Paradise,” for using a synthesizer beat that sounds just like the soundtrack to the blue underground world in Super Mario Brothers.)

Who you can thank for the amazing cover art: Nothing says “do me” like femullets and cellophane. Design by John O’Brien, stylist Jessie Caprio.

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Second Spin: DeBarge, "Dance All Night" (Special 12” Mix)

Artist: DeBarge

Album: "Dance All Night" (Special 12” Mix)

From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.

Year: 1987

Label: Striped Horse Records

What it sounds like: Michael Jackson covering Huey Lewis and the News. In other words, the song being played during the prom scene in every John Hughes movie.

Best Track: “Dance All Night (Dance Mix).” So, this album is a single, with five remixes: radio, dance, club, dub and an instrumental track. Of the four alternate takes, I preferred the dance mix. This is definitely what they were bumpin’ in the club back in the day—totally empty, catchy, lyrics about dancing, “I take her by the hand, I lead her to the floor, with the music in my head we’re on a ro-o-o-oll,” a methodical bass drum and snapping snare, and, like every other song from the late ‘80s, a lot of keyboard love going on. If I wasn’t at the listening station at Vintage Vinyl, I totally would have busted a move.

Worst Track: “Dance All Night (Dub Mix)” While the “Club Mix” was the most ridiculous because of its bass and cowbell solos (yup, you read that right), the “Dub Mix” was a total letdown because it wasn’t dub at all—no reggae sound and no accented drum and bass. The only real difference I noticed between this and the “Radio Mix” was that they shouted “Oh baby!” a bunch of times at the end. Plus, since this was the fourth time in a row I’d heard the song things were getting to be a little Abu Ghraib.

Who you can thank for the amazing cover art: Unfortunately, the hair stylist was straight-up robbed of a credit on the album liner. It’s hard to pick a favorite coif out of these four, but I think the mullet on the bottom left is the champion.

Interesting Facts: Via Wikipedia: “Dance All Night” is the single from DeBarge’s 1987 album Bad Boys; it peaked at number 33 on the R&B charts. By this point, the line-up had changed to James, Randy, Mark, and Bobby DeBarge. Bobby left the band Switch to join the group after the founding members Bunny and El DeBarge quit to pursue solo careers. They are actually all related, and DeBarge is in fact their real last name. Prior to the Bad Boys album, DeBarge had a number of hits for Motown, making them one of the few successful ‘80’s Motown acts (my personal favorite of these is “Rhythm of the Night,” which was featured on the soundtrack for the epically brilliant film Barry Gordy’s The Last Dragon.)

Bad Boys was the group’s last album—shortly after its release, Bobby and Chico were arrested for drug trafficking and sentenced to six years. James, pimp that he was, married Janet Jackson. Nowadays everyone from Rich Boy to Ashanti samples DeBarge’s early work.

I can’t find a video for “Dance All Night” so here’s this instead:

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Artist: Slik

Album: Slik

From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.

Year: 1976

Label: Arista

What it sounds like: Some tracks are a bizarre, ahead-of-their-time mix of blues and rock that fuses Elvis, Led Zeppelin and Lou Reed. Others are boring piano ballads being played by a Scottish disco boy band.

Best Track: “When Will I Be Loved.” An Everly Brothers cover opens with a crunchy palm-muted guitar and finishes with a shredding guitar riff. In between there are the trappings of a classic blues song, with lyrics like, “I been cheated/been mistreated/ when will I be loved,” some bubble-gum pop background vocals and an intriguing, stretched distortion sound. This is one of those ahead-of-their-time ones.

Worst Track: “Better Than I Do.” This sounds like a song you’d hear in the dark/reflective period of a bad Adam Sandler movie. Lyrical lowlight: “Speak to me of loneliness and I will tell you everything about it/ speak to me of emptiness cause I’ve never spent a day without it.” Side 1 of this album was an unexpected treat, full of songs that bridged the gap between classic ‘60’s and ‘70s rock and ‘80s and ‘90s Americana (reference points: Violent Femmes, Australia native Nick Cave). Side 2, meanwhile, was filled mostly with mind-numbing, white bread piano ballads like this one.

Who you can thank for the amazing cover art: No art or design credits on the album, but Wikipedia tells us that once upon a time all of the band members had “Slik” psudonyms like the Ramones, i.e. Oil Slik and Lord Slik. When their first single, “Boogiest Band in Town,” failed miserably, they dropped the names and switched to ‘50s-style baseball outfits. Not only do they look like extras for The Outsiders, but the second guy from the left looks exactly like Andrew McCarthy.

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Artist: W.A.S.P.

Album: W.A.S.P.

From: Vintage Vinyl’s $2.99 bin.

Year: 1984

Label: Capitol Records

What it sounds like: Poison crossed with Alice Cooper crossed with Twisted Sister crossed with Van Halen crossed with Motley Crue crossed with Quiet Riot crossed with hair metal crossed with butt rock crossed with shock rock crossed with cock rock.

Best Track: “I Wanna Be Somebody.” A good ol’ sex, drugs and rock & roll screamer in which W.A.S.P. pushes their B.C. Rich guitars to face-melting extremes. Basically, the lead singer repeats over and over, “I wanna be somebody, be somebody cool.” Just a suggestion, but some new threads might help.

Worst Track: “School Daze” This is a blatant Alice Cooper “School’s Out” rip-off. It started out with a bunch of little kids saying the pledge of allegiance, then went into the same riff they used for every other song. Lyrics include: “Tick tock, I’m counting down the daze/I pledge no allegiance every day/ they’re gonna drive me crazy/ no one here understands me.” Shockingly, for a band called W.A.S.P., this had nothing to do with the Spike Lee film School Daze.

Worst Track #2: “The Torture Never Stops” The last track, and the perfect way of describing this album.

Who you can thank for the amazing cover art: Their amps go up to eleven. Photographs by Moshe Hollywood Brakha. Design by Larry Vigon.

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Artist: Cheryl Lynn

Album: In the Night

From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.

Year: 1981

Label: Columbia Records

What it sounds like: Runs the gamut from early ‘80s funk/dance-pop to the demon spawn of slow jam R&B and disco.

Best Track: “Baby.” Lots of wah pedals and syrupy synthesizers combined with a thumpin’ and funkin’ bass line made me want to ride the soul train. Bonus points for the Prince/make-love-to-your-old-lady lyrics: “I like the things you like to do to me baby/I want to keep you satisfied/because you never know who’s out to get your man.” Sharon Jones should cover this song.

Worst Track: “Shake It Up Tonight.” A runtime of 5:41 that never seemed to end. A really bad string arrangement that highlights all the bad parts of disco and early-‘80s R&B. This was probably played over the opening credits to Days of Our Lives circa 1981. When she promises to, “Shake it up tonight/I’m gonna to show you how to party right” she should start by never playing this song ever again.

Who you can thank for the amazing cover art: This reminds me of a Diane Arbus photograph. Design by John Berg, photo by Edie Baskin.

Interesting Facts: Via Wikipedia: Half of the songs on this written by and all were produced by Ray Parker Jr., the brilliant musical mind who brought the world the Ghostbusters theme song (which I maintain is one of the best party jams ever). In The Night, along with the 1982 follow-up Instant Love, were re-released in a two-disc package in 2006 by Collectables Records, the first time either had been produced on CD. “Shake It Up Tonight” and “In the Night” peaked at number five and number 79 on the U.S. R&B charts, respectively. Lynn is best known for 1979’s “Got to Be Real,” which someone called “one of the seminal moments in disco,” so you’ve got that to thank her for. She’s still around and has plans for a new album to be released in 2008. I can’t wait.

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Artist: The Cucumbers

Album: The Cucumbers

From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.

Year: 1987

Label: Profile Records

What it sounds like: If Cyndi Lauper joined the B-52’s and pinched her nose while she sang.

Best Track: “Tiger” I have no idea what any of the words to this song were. It was so fast I had to check to make sure I didn’t accidentally switch the record player to 45 speed. It was like R.E.M.’s “End of the World” on speed with a lot of ska influence and some crazy synthesizer noises thrown in for good measure. For anyone out there trying to kick a cocaine habit, I recommend listening to this song.

Worst Track: “Shower” The opposite end of the spectrum, I could hear all the lyrics to the album’s slow-jam and none of them were good. Lowlights include: “I gave my love an orange flower/it smelled so good he didn’t need a shower,” and “We’ll have our tea and our coffee/Then we’ll take a shower/and be happy/ you like the water colder but I like it (in a sexy voice) hotter.”

Who you can thank for the amazing cover art: I have no clue what’s going on here, but it’s mildly disturbing. Art direction and design by Janet Perr.

Interesting Facts: Via the band’s Web site: The Cucumbers are still a band, but it sounds like they have little in common with their 1987 version: They’re now an acoustic duo featuring the original lead singer Deena Shoshkes and original lead guitarist Jon Fried. Fried’s father is a Julliard-trained oboeist who scored several early Stanley Kubrick films, including “Day of the Fight” as well as a couple Star Trek episodes. The group was the first “rock” band signed to Profile Records, who made a mint after breaking Run DMC. Everything you need to know about the Cucumbers is summed up in one sentence in their online biography: “Jon started playing rock music again when he found college friends (Wes Moore and Dave Rabiner) doing private lipsynch performances of the Ziggy Stardust album in their dorm room (at Brown University.)” Consider them the Vampire Weekend of 1987.

Below is the video for their single from this album, “My Boyfriend,” which debuted on MTV on Christmas Day 1987.

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Artist: General Kane

Album: In Full Chill

From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.

Year: 1986

Label: Motown

What it sounds like: C+C Music Factory crossed with Morris Day and the Time as covered by MC Rove. Something you’d hear on the Saved By the Bell soundtrack.

Best Track: “Hairdooz” (In a cheesy rap cadence): “Everybody stop and stare and see just what we done to our hair…Red hair white hair even blue…totally awesome.” Only good because of the cover, when you can actually see what some of them did to their “totally awesome” hair. Though it’s not credited, I guarantee somebody played keytar on this track. I think Berry Gordy was senile when he greenlighted this album.

Worst Track: “Crack Killed Applejack” I don’t know why but for some reason it reminds me of an ‘80s hip-hop version of “Devil Went Down to Georgia,” only instead of fiddles they use cheesy keyboard samples. It’s a, um, ballad about the demise of Nathan “Applejack” Lewis, with the unforgettable chorus of “Death lives in the rock house.” Someone actually described this song on Wikipedia as “An uncompromising reflection of drug abuse on the inner-city streets.”

Who you can thank for the amazing cover art: Hair by “Polky,” cover “concept” by Steve Buckley and Mitch “General Kane” McDowell

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(Welcome to Second Spin, A to Z's newest weekly feature. Every Tuesday, we'll go to a local vinyl emporium, pick out a random LP that looks interesting -- preferably one with ridiculous cover art -- and place it in the context of musical history.)

Artist: Kenny Loggins

Album: Keep the Fire

From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin (via Annie Zaleski's office)

Year: 1979

Label: Columbia

What it sounds like: The album that single-handedly spawned the dreaded “adult contemporary” genre.

Best Track: “Love Has Come of Age” The side one, track one tune is a true rocker. Sort of. Like Led Zeppelin decaf. Maybe it’s just the jailbait chorus/title but this song also has a bit of a Quiet Riot or Great White feel to it. Let’s call it proto-butt rock.

Worst Track: Tough choice, but I’m going with “This is It,” featuring St. Louis’ own Michael McDonald on backup vocals and piano. Loggins half-whispers the opening lines, then sounds like he’s grabbing his balls and singing just out of his range the rest of the way. There’s also a bass line that Disco Stu would love. And a super cheesy string arrangement. And it’s nearly four-and-a-half minutes long.

Who you can thank for the amazing cover art: According to the liner notes it’s actually a painting done by Scott Thom. “Cover concept” by "Christ Kenny" Loggins and Scott Thom.

Where you can hear it live: Loggins will be at the Family Arena in St. Charles on August 17.

Interesting Facts: Via Wikipedia: Michael Jackson (I’m assuming the Michael Jackson) contributes backup vocals on the track “Who’s Right, Who's Wrong.” The song “Mr. Night” (along with two other Loggins songs) is featured on the Caddyshack soundtrack. Interestingly, Loggins ended up making a mint off of soundtracks throughout his career, with his songs appearing on the OST’s for Footloose, Sylvester Stallone’s Over the Top, Caddyshack 2, One Fine Day, The Tigger Movie (seriously), and, most awesomely, Top Gun with the immortal “Danger Zone.” (Video after the jump.)

Loggins’ eldest son Crosby (wonder what he was listening to when that kid was conceived?) won the 2008 season of MTV’s reality show Rock the Cradle, making papa proud by beating out the children of MC Hammer, Olivia Newton-John, Eddie Money and others.

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(Welcome to Second Spin, A to Z's newest weekly feature. Every Tuesday, we'll go to a local vinyl emporium, pick out a random LP that looks interesting -- preferably one with ridiculous cover art -- and place it in the context of musical history.)

Artist: Shalamar

Album: Big Fun

From: Vintage Vinyl’s 99 cent bin.

Year: 1979

Label: SOLAR Records

What it sounds like: Late-era Diana Ross crossed with Sly and the Family Stone, with a little bit of late disco/early new wave mixed in. Something you’d hear in the exercise/training montage of a cheesy ‘70s movie.

Best Track: “Right in the Socket” The lengthy 6:51 track is a slow starter but it kicks into gear with an island/Miami Beach disco vibe. It’s all about electricity, as in sticking it right in someone’s socket. Hopefully not a whale’s.

Worst Track: “Take Me to the River.” Opening lyrics: “Everybody has a fantasy…mine is swimming with Venus the Queen of Love…does your river flow with love? Take me to the river baby.”

Who you can thank for the amazing cover art: Michael Kevin Lee/ Gribbitt! (it actually says this on the back of the album). I guess this is what happens when you let someone named Gribbitt! design your album cover.

Interesting Facts: Via Wikipedia: This album actually contains a number one single “The Second Time Around,” and is certified gold. It was produced by Leon Sylvers III, who also wrote and produced songs for Gladys Knight and the Pips. Shalamar also did “Dancing in the Streets” from the Footloose soundtrack. Frontwoman André Cymon went on to record “When A Man Loves a Woman” in 1994. Micki Free (the guy waving) went on to play basketball with Prince in the best Chappelle Show skit of all-time. Video after the jump.

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