The Ashcroft Rap

Categories: Media
Okay, so John Ashcroft's recent autobiography, Never Again: Securing America and Restoring Justice, tanked. Less than two months out, the book's dropped to #10,121 on Amazon's sales chart, and no matter how hard President George W. Bush's ex-attorney general prays, Never doesn't show any sign of a Christmas bump.

Which isn't surprising. The book's a snoozer, filled with the kind of humorless tedium becoming a man who doesn't dance.

But it didn't have to be so. The table of contents promises a lot, with punchy, rhythmic chapter headings that suggest the verbiage of a decent rap song.

Herewith, using the exact titles of all the chapters in Never Again (though a few are flip-flopped to create better flow), is John "They Don't Dance No Mo'" Ashcroft's first rap.

"Throwing Heat"
By John "MC Patriot Act" Ashcroft

(chorus):
Crash in the night,
Defeated by a dead man,
A marked man,
Throwing heat.

Trouble at the FBI,
A new culture
Tearing down the wall.
Intelligence-based immigration --
Transitional terror --
The millennium plot,
The botched prosecution
of Timothy McVeigh.

(repeat chorus)

Judgment in Manhattan,
Terror strikes,
New priorities.
Terrorists among us,
Phantoms of lost liberty
Uncovering the truth --
Never again.

(repeat chorus)

-Unreal

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