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Understanding Mitt Romney (A Super Tuesday Meditation)

Categories: Arts, Media

Nobody understands Mormonism, let's be honest. All those weird undergarments, prohibitions on "hot" drinks, and multitudes of blond children. And nobody understands Mitt Romney, either. But, with a careful analysis of contemporary Mormon films we might be able to understand them both a little bit better.

Excel Entertainment
return.jpg
Mitt Romney's not dead yet -- and neither, unfortunately, is this guy.
These movies comprise a huge industry, and are populated by clean-cut, judgmental Utahians and Nevadans, and an occasional celebrity, like Jon "Napoleon Dynamite" Heder.

They are as creepy as you might imagine. Take, for instance...

The Return (2006)
In this ludicrous, muddled film, a young missionary named Rowe McDonald (Javen Tanner) is about to meet the girl he is slated to marry for the first time. Unfortunately, he's hit by a car and dies for a couple minutes, during which time he talks to God and convinces the big man to let him come back to earth so he can convert his wayward mother to Mormonism. God complies, but his mother begins to spiral downward. After getting laid off from the drugstore where she works she is forced to take the worst imaginable job...as a bartender. Even worse, Rowe's best friend Corbin (Raymond Zeiters) has shaved his head, gotten his nose pierced, and joined a band, thus making him unsuitable to serve as his best man. (Rowe's fiancée, portrayed by Joey Jalalian, is worried he'll ruin the wedding pictures.) Corbin is portrayed as a rebel, though he is unimaginably wussy. Here's an exchange he has with a waitress in the bar where Rowe's mother works.

Corbin: What do you have in a diet soda on tap?
Waitress: You mean a fountain drink?
Corbin: Yeah.
Waitress: Diet Coke.
Corbin: Straight up, on the rocks.
Waitress: I'll be right back.

Who knew Mormons were allowed to drink caffeine? In any case, by the end of the film Rowe learns to love his mother for who she is, and as a result she gets baptized or whatever.

Grade: D-
What We've Learned About Mitt Romney: That someone should hit him with a car.

-Ben Westhoff


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