Ask a Cougar Nominees (Now with Photos)

Categories: Unreal

Unreal's quest for a cougar advice columnist continues!

Vote for your favorite response from these eight wannabes and vote for your fave. If you have a question for a cougar, ask us at unreal@riverfronttimes.com.

THE QUESTION:

My 50-year-old daughter still gets carded. I just wonder how prevalent this is.
- Please, For Your Survey

Cougar answers are after the jump.

THE COUGAR ANSWERS:

Dear Please, For Your Survey: At 43, I had to chuckle when I was carded at Johnny Gitto’s a few weeks ago. Johnny Gitto’s is the twentysomething meat market with a 3 a.m. license where I met my first “cub,” a few years back. I haven’t been there in a long time. I know better, but this time I went to meet a younger cousin who talked me into it.

I’m not sure why I was surprised that they carded me. After all, Johnny Gitto’s always cards. Getting carded is common for Cougars, especially if their hair and clothing aren’t dated and they are going to clubs with a largely twenty-something clientele.

If your daughter does get carded, she should assume she is being flattered or that it is simply standard at the places she’s going. Young men really don’t have a clue how old women are. They get it wrong often. If she doesn’t like it, she should 1) stop drinking and/or 2) stop going to clubs that are predominantly twenty-somethings.

If she wants to continue going to places that card her, she should wear her age proudly and not make the mistake of saying, “I’m old enough to be your mother/grandmother.” I hear that constantly, and it is a ridiculous thing to say. The person carding her is doing his or her job; it is condescending, and it will change her social dynamics for the night and force others, who may have been giving her the "benefit of the doubt," to think of her as a mother who doesn’t belong there.

- Hippolyta

helen-toast.jpg
Dear Please, For Your Survey:
Assuming your daughter is not frequenting bars sporting braided pigtails, a plaid skirt and knee-high stockings, I can only guess that you passed along some kick-ass genes. Most of us cougars wear our age well but consider the possibility that a savvy bouncer may just “card” an older gal to flatter, score some points and perhaps garner a little useful information for later.
- Helen Toast

teri1.jpg
Dear Please, For Your Survey:
Many businesses are now strictly adhering to the 100 percent “must show ID” concept for any sort of age-restricted sales. Their opinion seems to be that they would rather be thought ridiculous for carding a 50-year-old (with a side benefit that the older folks usually find it flattering and amusing) than to risk their license for one underage sale. If you should be carded, take it in stride and good humor: They are just doing their job.
- Teri Davis Newman

Dear Please, For Your Survey: Go out and get a facial. Before I tell you why, I will share a little story with you about my cousin Earla (and yes, if her name sounds a lot like “Earl,” that’s because it is; Earla is the feminine of Earl; Earl means “nobleman;” Earla means “nubilewoman”).

Now, I mention my cousin Earla because she was a 60-year-old and she got carded all the time. The funny thing was that she only got carded when she was in the company of her mother, Crenny. Crenny looked like — like something that happens when a tractor-trailer backs up into infinite mounds of possum scat. The woman was disfigured (God love her), and ancient. And it wasn’t like you could tell her, “Oh, don’t worry, Crenny! 110 is the new 100!” She was inconsolable. That woman knew herself to be an aesthetically challenged centenarian. Basically, she looked like really old crap — old crap that had been smooshed over by monster-truck tires.

What I’m telling you, honey, is that Earla got carded because standing next to Crenny was liable to make anyone, even Mother Teresa, look like Miley Cyrus circa 1999. No joke. My hunch is that you need to go out and get a deep-tissue massage. Stop wondering about your daughter and start wondering where your own life is going. Stop wondering, because honestly, wonder on your face probably looks a lot like worry and worry takes its toll — can we say “wrinkles”? “Creases”? Take care of yourself: Get a facial.

And go out and find yourself a hot Matlock. You deserve a life. Let’s reserve living vicariously through our daughters for demon spirits; it’s not a mother’s job (wonder what Pastor what’s-his-name would say here). Anyway, honey, aside from all I’ve said above, there is one more possibility. I’m not necessarily saying that because you look like doo-doo, your daughter’s a-gonna shine like the backside of God’s glory next to you.

There is, after all, another possibility: 50-year-olds are getting carded more and more these days because people are aging better these days. Times have changed; it’s not like we have to wring out our laundry before hanging it on the line anymore; it’s not like we have to labor in the fields and then round up ten young possums for stewing anymore; it’s not like we have to buy ice blocks and carry them home one by one atop our heads so our shacks will feel air-conditioned anymore; it’s not like we are traveling by horse and buggy anymore, asphyxiating in large swells of dirt as horses kick up dust on the way to the general store and clog our pores anymore.

Times have changed. And because we live luxuriously, we age luxuriously. In other words, 50 is the new 16, and 110 is the new 100. Celebrate!
- Crystal Bethel

Dear Please, For Your Survey:
Ah, I remember the last time I was carded at the door of a club. It was about ten years ago and because my cougar instincts weren’t as developed as they are now, I didn't see the cute young guy’s action for what it was: a chance to flirt. After all, an encounter at the door of a club is very brief; he may not be able to find his object of desire later in the crowded darkness, so it’s imperative to make that first impression while he can.

It’s been a while since I’ve been asked to provide ID for much more than a credit-card transaction, and I haven’t heard any reports from my friends that they’ve had to prove their age at a bar or restaurant. I’m going to speculate that it may not be widespread. Or that my friends and I may need to put in more time at the day spa.

I could do an exhaustive survey to ask if checking ID is restricted only to those who look underage or a routine procedure for everyone. But do we really want to know? For the cougar who wants to believe she’s still got the goods, truth can be the ultimate buzzkill. If your daughter is being carded all over town, I can think of only two reasons why. Either she’s working hard to keep herself in a state of hotness that would prompt young bouncers to drool with lust and want to talk to her, or she has found that fountain of youth that many of us would contemplate murder for a moment’s access to.

In any case, your daughter should accept the attention, give out subtle encouragement if she’s interested in the hunk who asked to see her driver’s license and enjoy the moment. Because in my experience and that of my cougar friends, it doesn’t happen often.

- Vixenne (Did not submit photo.)

Sage-Feline.jpg
Dear Please, For Your Survey:
Fantastic! If your daughter is 50 and looks 20, she has indeed found the fountain of youth — either that or she frequents 1) trendy new hotspots where the buffoons at the door card all who enter or 2) dimly lit lounges designed to make laugh lines disappear.

Either way, to answer your query we must don our geek glasses and employ the scientific method. We must construct a hypothesis, test our hypothesis by doing an experiment and then analyze our data. I won’t bore you with the details, but basically we need several willing 50-year-old test subjects (read: hot). Including your daughter, who will be our control group of one. We will also need a bevy of bar buffoons and a handful of male research assistants (read: hot and young). It will be the assistants’ responsibility to observe and document the behavior of our bar buffoons in the wild. Do they card everyone? Do they card only your daughter? Do they card our other test subjects? It is imperative that these assistants be rigorous with their detailed observations and rigid with their documentation.

Of course, to ensure robust scientific integrity our research team will need to make the rounds at several establishments to confirm that our first results weren’t just an accident. This — incidentally — gives our test subjects the opportunity to compromise the objectivity of those hot, young research assistants, which (let’s be honest) is really the whole point of the experiment.

Thanx for asking!

-Sage Feline

cherry-cougar.jpg
Dear Concerned Parent:
I was thrilled to hear that your 50-year-old daughter still gets carded — good for her! It’s a great feeling and a nice surprise to get carded when you’re older than 35, I assure you. I still get carded, and have hugged many a doorman on these occasions (especially if they're hot — fuck yeah!). I’m seeing more and more older women who look absolutely fabulous (loved that show), and who quite possibly run the “risk” of being carded. I'm not sure how prevalent this is, but it’s so wonderful to hear about it when it happens!

And so it seems that we could head in two different directions with here. On one hand, we could blame the occurrences on the odd chance that there’s a whole bunch of nearsighted doormen, bartenders, and liquor store-counter help out there. Pretty unlikely, no? Or maybe they’re just attempting to flirt with/flatter your daughter, which is always a good thing, IMO.

So, let’s go with the distinct possibility that your daughter’s got it going on. I’m sure it’s not by sheer luck or happenstance that she looks really young for her age. It could be partially due to good genes, but I’ll bet she takes pretty darn good care of herself, and it shows. She’s probably secretly delighted every time she gets carded, or every time someone is surprised to hear her true age, and she deserves every minute of it. Bask in it, girl! Woo!

It’s nice to hear that there are other older women out there who haven’t thrown in the towel on their looks and happiness yet. Personally, I don’t plan on ever throwing in the towel. I just get so tired of hearing some women say things like, “Well, I just don’t have the time to ______ (exercise, eat right, take time for myself, take a class I’ve always wanted to take, etc...). You’re so lucky, because you’ve got time to do that stuff. I just don’t have the time or the energy. Oh, well.”

That’s it?! “Oh well?” You owe it to yourself to just do it now. The magical time genie is not going to fly up and dump an assload of free time into your lap the minute you retire, or whatever lofty, far-off thing it is that you’ve decided is the key to your self-imposed, unattainable happiness. Please, ladies, please know that it is up to you to carve out time for yourself, even if you have to do it after everyone has gone to bed, or if you have to get up early in the morning. You may have to fight tooth and nail, like a rabid wolverine (or a cougar, if you will), for that time. Believe me, I have and I do, sometimes on a daily basis.

But here’s a little secret: At our age, all aberrant behavior can be blamed upon the mysterious process of menopause, and the impending onset of hormones that are known to cause she-devil-like reactions in women. Most people tend to steer clear of or tiptoe around women who are in the throes of this magical hormonal presto-chango thingy. So if you find yourself interrupted, all you need to do is muster up your best Exorcist/Darth Vader voice and people will scurry off with their tails between their legs. Also, once you decide to become committed to working on yourself, the naysayers will see that you are serious, and they will eventually back off/pipe down.

I can’t stress this enough: If you want to be the 50-year-old hot gal who still gets carded like the daughter of this man or woman, take the time for yourself. Own it, guard it with your life, fiercely. It’s your golden ticket. Discipline yourself to take excellent, stellar care of yourself at all times, and this will quickly become a habit. One day you will look in the mirror and love what you see: a sexy, confident, healthy, vibrant, hot gal who happens to be older (and wiser) than the twentysomething bimbos who think they know everything (sorry, not all you twentysomething girls are bimbos, just the shallow ones, who are many, unfortunately).

So, to make a long answer even longer, my answer to your question is this: No, it’s probably not too terribly prevalent for a 50-year-old woman to get carded. But if I have anything to say about it, it’s going to become pretty damn commonplace. I think it’s time that we embrace each other as women, and instead of being catty and mean, support each other with genuine respect and mutual admiration. That will help us to each find our inner goddess and our true strength, so that we can all be hot, sexy, 50-year-olds who can have every young guy in town drooling after us.

Doesn’t sound too shabby, does it? And as for all the twentysomething girls left lying around (especially the whiny ones), well, we can just throw them to the Redenbachers. They all deserve each other anyway.
So there it is, for your survey. Go and high-five your daughter, and above all, always be supportive. She’s come a long way, baby. I hope this helps. Have a most excellent day, and always, be excellent to each other. Cheers!

- Cherry Cougar

msvixen.jpg
Dear Well Preserved Parent,
First I must congratulate you for passing on your good genes. There are only a few possibilities as to why your 50-year-old daughter is getting carded. One scenario may be that the attendant checking her ID is intrigued by her presence and wants to know more information about her for future pouncing. Another possibility could be that she is going to establishments that cater to a younger crowd which have safety policies that require their employees to card everyone who enters their business. If your daughter appears to look younger than she is, then Go Cougar Go!!!

- Ms. Vixen


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