Putting Nail Polish on a Little Kid Isn't Going to Turn Him Gay
And you want to know what I'm thankful for this year? I'm most thankful for Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher and Tyna Robertson. Because this kind of shit is what makes it easy to come up with something to write about every day.
See, Mr. Urlacher, whom we have all seen in one of the more brilliant ad campaigns in recent years, the Old Spice Swagger campaign (though I still miss Bruce Campbell like crazy), apparently likes to put nail polish and Cinderella themed pull-ups on his son.
We have a football player, a goddamn linebacker, for the love of god, a man who should just ooze testosterone, allegedly trying to turn his son into John Waters. It literally doesn't get any better than this, folks.
The mother of the boy, Tyna Robertson, is quite famous, in a "you probably know who she is if you just can't help but watch Maury Povich whenever he does a paternity test episode" sort of way, for previously filing, and losing, a sexual harassment charge against Michael Flatley. Yeah, the Riverdance guy. That's the one.
Look, in all seriousness, I'm going to have to come down squarely on the side of Urlacher on this one. See, I used to paint my nails all the time as a little kid. At first I would just beg my mother to do it, and then as time went on, I got where I could do it myself. And me? All man, baby. Well, I mean, I guess I can't really say all man; I mean, I do like the ballet and antique silverware and stuff like that. So like 90, maybe 95 percent man. Oh, and shoes. I looooove shoes. And curtains. So probably about 75-80 percent man.
Regardless, putting nail polish on a little kid isn't going to turn him gay, or make him into a girl, or anything like that. What's really funny about all of this is -- Oh, I also really like Bette Davis and Some Like It Hot. Sixty percent man. At least.
See, I can also see how putting Cinderella diapers on your kid could be a manliness-building exercise; well, just as easily as I can see the other side, anyway. I mean, not to get all weird here and stuff, but Cinderella was hot. Seriously. I mean, she may not have been as just flat out fuckable as, like, Sleeping Beauty, or a couple of the later Disney girls like Princess What's Her Name from Aladdin or the doctor woman from Tarzan that had that hot librarian thing going on, but still, not too shabby at all.
Urlacher may just be trying to train his boy to associate hot girls with his crotch. See? I totally get it. Ooh, you know what else I like? Old kitschy furniture from the '50s. I mean, that whole Plastic Fantastic thing? Can you even believe how great that stuff is? Holding steady at 51 percent man. Hey, like I said, I used to put nail polish on all the time when I was younger, and I've never suffered a day's gender confusion in my life.
What Urlacher is doing is not going to have all these terrible consequences down the road for his son. I mean, at the worst -- Is it weird that I could probably list all of the women from Disney movies in the order of which ones I would like to sleep with? Nah, I don't think it is. Also, how much fun are wine tastings? Oh, I wish I had the money to just buy a little villa somewhere in the south of France and just spend all day roaming around the cafes and vineyards... Okay, like 40 percent man. Maybe more; I am totally fantasizing about a three way with Princess Jasmine and Belle right now, so I got that going for me. Hey, when fantasizing about group sex, are you allowed to mix cartoon women with real women?
See, the whole sports talk thing has got me thinking about Erin Andrews, and I'd kind of like to substitute her in for Belle, but I'm a little fuzzy on the logistics of how I would go about making that work. Hmm.
Bottom line, Brian Urlacher, you do whatever it is you want to do with your son. Tyna Robertson, you stay crazy as hell, 'cause it certainly makes for entertaining ESPN programming. Look, if you want to dress your son in an airbrushed unicorn tee shirt and low rise jeans, you go ahead, Brian. Oh, and Caroline in the City was just an underrated gem of a show. Lea Thompson was just luminous. Come to think of it, you remember how hot Lea Thompson was in Back to the Future? I may have actually had my very first crush on her. Alright, Lea, tag in. Ms. Andrews, I'll be back for you later. Sorry, babe, I gotta go where my heart takes me. Jasmine, you just keep doing what you're doing.
So Ms. Robertson, go ahead and file your bizarre lawsuits and all, but don't worry about your boy. He'll grow up just fine. Hey, he may be gay and he may be straight, but you can sleep soundly knowing he won't just waver back and forth his whole life between being an appalling womanizer who sees women as sex objects and the sort of guy who has Judy Garland posters all over his house and takes Rip Taylor's birthday off work every year just to reflect. I mean, if he's anything like me, then he'll -- You know what? I'm beginning to think this whole nail painting thing may not be such a good idea after all.
- Aaron Schafer