Twilight is Awesomely Bad Teenybopper Trash

Categories: Unreal

Before today, Unreal was indifferent to the whole Twilight phenomenon. We are a sophisticated adult, hardened and cynical, contemptuous of sappy romance. When the boat started to sink in Titanic, we laughed.

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Twilight is not teenybopper trash. No, Twilight is awesomely bad teenybopper trash.

Okay, so last August we attended the midnight release party for Breaking Dawn, the fourth book in the series, at Left Bank Books. We're a reporter. It's our job to investigate cultural phenomena. Which is also why we, um, read the first book. And started the second. But then the whole experience started to feel too much like a fever dream and we started to feel really dizzy even though we were sitting in a nice, comfy armchair at Borders, so we said to ourself, "Unreal, put the book down and walk away." And for once we actually listened. So we only know how the whole thing ends up through Internet plot summaries. Because we want nothing to do with those goddamned books, understand? Or the movie.

Or so we thought. Of course we read the reviews when the started coming in. It was cheesy. It was poorly-done. It was intended solely for consumption by thirteen-year-old girls. It would ruin sex for an entire generation of teenagers.

And then we read this front-line report from Jezebel, which provided far more useful information:

The movie contains lines like "You're like my own personal brand of heroin.” (Unreal is ashamed that we could not remember this bit of immortal dialogue from the book.) Instead of withering in sunlight and dying, the vampires sparkle. The movie's special effects team renders this "like Gay Pride parade body shimmer." Best of all, even though Twilight is not billed as a comedy, the audience laughed hysterically throughout.

Immediately we changed our opinion. Twilight is not teenybopper trash. No, Twilight is awesomely bad teenybopper trash. Accordingly, Unreal will be in the audience this weekend. We will, of course, be tanking up beforehand. We can’t wait.

(Our reaction, though, does cause us to wonder: did the groundlings feel this same anticipatory glee when they headed off to the Globe to see Romeo and Juliet? Not of great drama, but of great romantic cheesiness? Any Shakespeare scholars out there who can answer this query?)

- Unreal

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