Press Release of the Day: Men, Here's How to Prevent Your Wife from Becoming a Granny Panties-Wearing Slob
Clearly these women don't understand the whole point of wifehood: That the whole point of their existence is to please you! To spend their days exercising and waxing and sitting around with foil in their hair to get it your exact favorite shade of blonde (or red or brunette; as a man, you are entitled to your preferences). All in little bits of lingerie with a strings of lace between their ass-cheeks.
It's time to put these sweatpants-wearing bitches in their place. Gently, of course, with positive reinforcement, like a pat on the ass. (Women really dig that.) But let them know you will not stand for "your perfect ten [turning] into a deuce piece, with two stomachs."
All the advice you will ever need to get the little woman back under your thumb after the jump:
Philadelphia -- January 10, 2010 / -- Jennifer Garner sure garnered attention when she was caught wearing hole ridden granny drawers.
Remember Jessica Simpson? Tony Romo split when she got too thick!
So many of you have a beautiful girlfriend and then ... they get comfortable. Countless women go from looking their best to looking just like the rest. Fellas we know you can relate. Why does this happen? What can guys do to keep their girlfriends, fiances and wives as pretty as the day they met them?
Here are a few tips:
1)Women love compliments. If she asks you about a raggedy outfit. Be honest. Once you start accepting granny panties and sweatshirts when she is not working out, you will get this 24/7.
2)If she wears something hot, let her know right then and there. Say something like "You look great. Will you look this good for me every day?", then you go ahead and throw in a kiss, a hug, a booty pat, a neck nuzzle etc.. This way, you are warning her but you are not coming off as harsh. But she will think about it before she throws a Tastykake in her mouth.
3)Suggest that she wears your favorite outfit. Tell her you really like the way she looks (whatever body part you love the most). How hot she looks in it.
4)Hair is another issue. So many times women will try to do something new like change their hair without saying a word to you. Be vocal about how you like it. If you love brunette and she goes blonde on you, be honest when she asks you how you like it. We know, it sounds scary but what if she comes back with her hair Hot Pink. What will you do then?
5)Keeping in shape is another obstacle, especially after kids. Fellas, lets be honest here. Sometimes you too let the fat kid win. [We have no idea what the hell this means] Encourage your mate to work out by putting down the beer and working out with her. It works a whole lot better than looking at her with your face set on disgusted. Remember its not just your average girl it happens to the most beautiful women in Hollywood as well. Right Jennifer? Okay, maybe she's out looking for some underwear. We will let you know when she responds. In the meantime...If you have any advice or stories of how your perfect ten turned into a deuce piece, with two stomachs let us know.
Astute commenter "THEPOKER" responds: ALL CHICKS GET COMFORTABLE AFTER THEY LOCK YOU DOWN WITH MARRIAGE...JUST THE FACTS OF LIFE 1-FIND A FOOL TO TAKE CARE OF YOU 2-WORK HARD TO BUILD YOUR TRUST 3-THEN ONCE HE MARRY'S YOU GO BACK TO YOUR LAZY WAYS...TYPICAL
NB: It's probably a given that if you read Just Don't Wife Her, you're not in any dire need of these warnings because you are nowhere near having a wife, let alone any meaningful interaction with a member of the opposite sex beyond "Move your ass" to the female driver of the car in front of you. Otherwise you would know women now wear yoga pants and pajama pants.