Satan Responds to Pat Robertson's Claim That He Struck a Bargain With Haiti

By Aimee Levitt Tue., Jan. 19 2010 at 8:58 AM

Categories: Gettin' All Religious Up in Here, Media

Satan has finally gotten around to responding to Pat Robertson's accusations last week that a bargain he struck with Haiti 200 years ago is the reason for all of that nation's misfortunes, including last week's earthquake.

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Satan is not having a good week.

In an open letter to the televangelist, printed in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, the Devil writes:

Dear Pat Robertson, I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll. You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract. Best, Satan

Satan used the Star-Tribune as his bully pulpit because he decided to speak via Lily Coyle, a playwright who happens to live in Minneapolis.

Just in case you happened to miss it, here's Robertson offering his own special interpretation of Haitian history: