10 Things to Do This Saturday if You Don't Celebrate Christmas

RFT layout editor Kholood Eid contributed to this post.

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​In case you've been living under a rock, you probably know that this Saturday is Christmas Day, a time for joy and family and celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. But what if you are joyless or family-less or see no reason to celebrate the birth of Christ either out of indifference or because millions of your co-religionists were slaughtered in His name? (And there you have another plausible reason why Ebenezer Scrooge was Jewish.)

Oh, do we have a list for you, starting with the two classic, time-honored methods Jews all across America have used to while away the languors of Christmas Day. (You could, of course, observe the Sabbath, as many Jews will, but that suggestion comes from God.)

1. Movie.

2. Chinese food.

And now, thanks to the magic of Netflix-On-Demand, you don't even have to leave the comfort of your couch! Christmas is totally long enough to watch the entire run of one of your favorite TV series on DVD. To keep your extremities from falling asleep, plug in the PS2 or Wii for a little Guitar Hero or Rock Band.

As an alternative to the Chinese food, honor the Middle East, ancestral homeland of both Jews and Muslims (and, OK, yes, Baby Jesus) by smoking a hookah.

3. Go out, get hammered, make inappropriate sexual advances and lose all your money! Casinos are open! Dive bars are open! More reputable drinking establishments like Blueberry Hill and The Royale are also open! And the the Jewish Federation of St. Louis will be sponsoring Lollapajewza at the ever-classy Sub Zero Vodka Bar!

4. Crash an Arab wedding. Pretty much the same effect as Number 3, except it's free. Make sure the celebrants are either Christian or very permissive Muslims.

5. Go ice skating.

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Come on, Ashley, you can do it! It'll be a secular Christmas miracle!

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So wintry and wholesome! And it turns out the Steinberg Rink in Forest Park will actually be open all day.