Mad Libs Competition: What Did Caseyville Redneck Say to Cops?

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A story in today's Belleville News-Democrat with the headline "Police: Man cusses out Caseyville cops, kicks out patrol car window" grabbed our attention in a jiffy here at Daily RFT.

The story tells of a wild night Saturday at Jack's Place Bar & Grill in Caseyville that ended in a fight in the parking lot and a man passed out drunk outside the tavern.

Where the article really gets good, though, is when 31-year-old Kenneth Adams stumbles out of the bar and starts yelling at police.

But what exactly did Adams say to police? Can you help us decipher his rants by filling in the words omitted in the following News-Democrat excerpt?

Adams, described as "obviously intoxicated," allegedly exited the bar and started yelling at police: "(________) the Caseyville Police," police reported Adams saying. "The Caseyville Police are a bunch of (_________)."

Detective Jeff Wilkinson told Adams to return to the bar, but he continued with: "(_________) you! What are you going to do?"...

After police put him in a police car, he leaned back and kicked out the driver's side rear window.

"He shot the glass right in our faces," Wilkinson said.

Adams kept asking his wife for help; "I helped you (_________) so now help me," he said. She told him she couldn't help because he kicked out the window.
Cut and paste the paragraphs above with your answers (in ALL CAPS) into the comment section. The contestant with the funniest answers will receive an autographed book, courtesy of Geoffrey Delicatecharacter.

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STLNEWSMOD
STLNEWSMOD

Any more entries? You have until 2 p.m. today.

Dave
Dave

Adams, described as "obviously intoxicated," allegedly exited the bar and started yelling at police: "(ONLY SEEING THE BLUE COLLAR COMEDY TOUR LIVE IN CONCERT GETS MY DICK HARDER THAN) the Caseyville Police," police reported Adams saying. "The Caseyville Police are a bunch of (THE GUYS THAT I HAVE TO IMAGINE THAT MY WIFE IS, IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN MY CHUB DURING SEX)."

Detective Jeff Wilkinson told Adams to return to the bar, but he continued with: "(I OFTEN FANTASIZE ABOUT WATCHING DALE EARNHARDT, JR. WINNING THE DAYTONA 500 ON A BIG SCREEN TV AT THE CASEYVILLE POLICE DEPARTMENT. WE'RE ALL DRINKING BUSCH BEER FROM CAMOUFLAGE CANS, SHARING STORIES ABOUT HUNTING AND CHURCH, AGREEING THAT WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE DIFFERENT FROM US, AND GAZING INTO EACH OTHERS EYES AS WE FONDLE OURSELVES. AFTER DALE JR.'S VICTORY, A FULL-BLOWN ORGY ERUPTS; THE ENTIRE DEPARTMENT REPEATEDLY AND SIMULTANEOUSLY RAM THEIR ERECT PENISES INTO MY CAVERNOUS, THROBBING ASSHOLE. SOME OF THE OTHER BOYS CHANGE THE CHANNEL TO A DELTA FARCE MARATHON THAT IS AIRING IN PLACE OF CNN, WHICH HAS GONE OUT OF BUSINESS BECAUSE THEY LIE SO MUCH. THE FANTASY ENDS WITH ME, STUFFED LIKE A TURKEY WITH ALL OF YOUR CUM, BLOWING MY OWN LOAD ONTO ONE OF MY SPARE "NOBAMA" BUMPERSTICKERS AND FEEDING IT TO. ) you! What are you going to do?"...

After police put him in a police car, he leaned back and kicked out the driver's side rear window.

"He shot the glass right in our faces," Wilkinson said.

Adams kept asking his wife for help; "I helped you (DVR SEASON 2 OF HEE-HAW!!!) so now help me," he said. She told him she couldn't help because he kicked out the window.

Sh0rtbus
Sh0rtbus

Adams, described as "obviously intoxicated," allegedly exited the bar and started yelling at police: "I WANT TO TEA BAG the Caseyville Police," police reported Adams saying. "The Caseyville Police are a bunch of TEA BAGGERS!Detective Jeff Wilkinson told Adams to return to the bar, but he continued with: SUCK MY BALLS AND LET ME TEA BAG you! What are you going to do?"...

After police put him in a police car, he leaned back and kicked out the driver's side rear window.

"He shot the glass right in our faces," Wilkinson said.

Adams kept asking his wife for help; "I helped you DOUCHE AND DO A FLEET ENEMA EARLIER TONIGHTso now help me," he said. She told him she couldn't help because he kicked out the window.

Bill
Bill

Adams, described as "obviously intoxicated," allegedly exited the bar and started yelling at police: "(HMMPH!! I HATE) the Caseyville Police," police reported Adams saying. "The Caseyville Police are a bunch of (DUMMY-HEADS)."

Detective Jeff Wilkinson told Adams to return to the bar, but he continued with: "(I'M RUBBER AND YOU ARE GLUE. WHATEVER YOU SAY BOUNCES OFF ME AND STICKS TO) you! What are you going to do?"...

After police put him in a police car, he leaned back and kicked out the driver's side rear window.

"He shot the glass right in our faces," Wilkinson said.

Adams kept asking his wife for help; "I helped you (THAT TIME YOU ALMOST BURNT DOWN THE BABY'S ROOM/METH LAB) so now help me," he said. She told him she couldn't help because he kicked out the window.

Ben
Ben

Adams, described as "obviously intoxicated," allegedly exited the bar and started yelling at police: "I HAVE THE UTMOST ADMIRATION AND RESPECT FOR the Caseyville Police," police reported Adams saying. "The Caseyville Police are a bunch of HONORABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY LAW-ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS."

Detective Jeff Wilkinson told Adams to return to the bar, but he continued with: "OFFICER WILKINSON! IT TRULY IS AN HONOR, SIR, TO FINALLY MEET you! What are you going to do?"...

After police put him in a police car, he leaned back and kicked out the driver's side rear window.

"He shot the glass right in our faces," Wilkinson said.

Adams kept asking his wife for help; "I helped you, AUNT LAURIE, so now help me," he said. She told him she couldn't help because he kicked out the window.

STLNEWSMOD
STLNEWSMOD

Good comments so far. Keep 'em coming!

Chelsy
Chelsy

Adams, described as "obviously intoxicated," allegedly exited the bar and started yelling at police: "(FRED PHELPS RUNS) the Caseyville Police," police reported Adams saying. "The Caseyville Police are a bunch of (DOUCHEBAGS LARGE ENOUGH TO CLEANSE ROSIE O'DONNEL'S VAGINA)."

Detective Jeff Wilkinson told Adams to return to the bar, but he continued with: "(YOU DASTARDLY DOG) you! What are you going to do?"...

After police put him in a police car, he leaned back and kicked out the driver's side rear window.

"He shot the glass right in our faces," Wilkinson said.

Adams kept asking his wife for help; "I helped you (WITH THAT DOMESTIC DISPUTE LAWSUIT) so now help me," he said. She told him she couldn't help because he kicked out the window.

John
John

Adams, described as "obviously intoxicated," allegedly exited the bar and started yelling at police: "THE ALMIGHTY LORD HATES the Caseyville Police," police reported Adams saying. "The Caseyville Police are a bunch of IDOL-WORSHIPPING (SIC) HEATHENS."

Detective Jeff Wilkinson told Adams to return to the bar, but he continued with: "IT SHALL RAIN FOR FORTY DAYS AND NIGHTS. I WILL DROWN you! What are you going to do?"...

After police put him in a police car, he leaned back and kicked out the driver's side rear window.

"He shot the glass right in our faces," Wilkinson said.

Adams kept asking his wife for help; "I HELPED YOU GIVE BIRTH TO THAT SON OF MINE so now help me," he said. She told him she couldn't help because he kicked out the window.

Dave
Dave

Adams, described as "obviously intoxicated," allegedly exited the bar and started yelling at police: "(I'M PITCHING A TENT FOR) the Caseyville Police," police reported Adams saying. "The Caseyville Police are a bunch of (BEEFCAKES)."

Detective Jeff Wilkinson told Adams to return to the bar, but he continued with: "(I'M SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO) you! What are you going to do?"...

After police put him in a police car, he leaned back and kicked out the driver's side rear window.

"He shot the glass right in our faces," Wilkinson said.

Adams kept asking his wife for help; "I helped you (GO TO POUND TOWN) so now help me," he said. She told him she couldn't help because he kicked out the window.

STLNEWSMOD
STLNEWSMOD

Adams, described as "obviously intoxicated," allegedly exited the bar and started yelling at police: "(FORNICATE) the Caseyville Police," police reported Adams saying. "The Caseyville Police are a bunch of (CEPHALOPODS)."

Detective Jeff Wilkinson told Adams to return to the bar, but he continued with: "(BULLY FOR) you! What are you going to do?"...

After police put him in a police car, he leaned back and kicked out the driver's side rear window.

"He shot the glass right in our faces," Wilkinson said.

Adams kept asking his wife for help; "I helped you (LIGHT OF MY LIFE, FIRE OF MY LOINS) so now help me," he said. She told him she couldn't help because he kicked out the window.

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