Got a Killer (Clean) Joke? Win Two Free Tickets to Brian Regan!

• Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one......but the light bulb has gotta wanna change. Q: What do you have with a lawyer buried up to his/her neck in cement? A: .....not enough cement! Q: Why don't sharks or rattlesnakes bite lawyers? A: Professional curtsey! Q: Why do labs prefer to experiment on lawyers instead of rats? A: Technicians form emotional attachments to rats. Q: How can you tell whether a lawyer or a skunk has been hit on the roadway? A: There's skid marks in front of a skunk roadkill. Q: What do you call 100 lawyers drown at the bottom of a lake? A: A GOOD start! Q: "Wanna hear the ultimate lawyer joke, there bud?" (asked of me by our local State Senator who'd overheard me telling the above jokes) A: Next time you get arrested......CALL...A....HIPPIE! 

• Knock... Knock... Who's there? Cow's... Cow's whooo? No they don't. Cow's mooo.

• Whoaaaa! Clean jokes, kitty. Someone is being a very naughty ... oh nevermind.

•  Hey anonymous -- I sent you an email. but if we don't hear from you by 4:30, we're going with the runner up. Please get in touch with me ASAP! sarah.fenske [at] riverfronttimes.com

• Everyone knows how the ultra- liberal media hated President Bush. One day the Pope and President Bush were sailing down the Potomac. A strong wind blows  and the Pope's mitre goes flying into the water. Bush jumps out the boat and walks on water to retrieve the mitre. The next day's New York Time headline: BUSH CAN'T SWIM.

• What do you get when you stand a blonde on her head? A brunette with bad breath. 

• A man goes to the doctor and says "Dr. there is something wrong with my wife. She either has TB or VD. What should I do?" The Dr. says "chase her around the bed. If she coughs, fuck her."

• A woman goes into a tavern and sits at the bar. A nearby man tells the bartender "give the old douche bag a drink." The bartender  says "you apologize to the woman or get out." The man apologizes. The bartender then asks the woman what she wants to drink. "A vinegar and water please."

• Q:  Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow? A: Because he didn't want to fall in the hot chocolate!

•  A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a Beer, & a Mop. j . roosmann @ gmail . com

• I went into a butcher and said I bet you $50.00 you can reach those pieces of meat up there. The butcher said he couldn't take that bet. I asked him why not. He replied because the 'steaks' are too high bsbrake@gmail. com

• A high school couple's at the movies.The girl says, "Jimmy, I think I swallowed your gum."He says, "Nah, I was just clearing my throat." copeland242 (at) gmail

• What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre

• How do you make a hot dog stand? Take away his chair!

•  A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''  :) http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/giesegirl

•  After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. "Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, goodness, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!" twitter:  @ npuricelli email: npuricelli @ gmail

• Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a nice meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down and go to sleep. A few hours later, Sherlock Holmes nudges Watson to wake him and say "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied "I see millions of stars." Holmes asks "What does that tell you?" Watson thought hard and replied "It tells me that there are millions more galaxies and planets out there yet to be found. I observe based on the placement of these stars and planets, that it must be a quarter past three. It makes me realize how small and insignificant we really are. What does it tell you, Sherlock?" Holmes fell silent for a moment appearing to be deep in thought then replied, "Watson, you idiot, someone stole our tent."  http://www.facebook.com/theresa.solsten

• Two muffins are baking in the oven, doing what muffins do. One looks over and says "Man, it's getting hot in here." The second looks over and yells "OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!" email: sheenalasvegas@gmail.com

• A priest, a rabbi, and a muslim cleric all walk into a bar.  The bartender says "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

• After Karen brought home her fiance, Mark, to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him. “What are your plans?” he asked Mark. “I’m a biblical scholar.” Mark replied. "Well, that’s admirable,” Karen’s father replied. “But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?" "I will study, and God will surely provide for us." Mark explained. "And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?" "I will study hard, and God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don’t worry, sir, God will provide." replied the fiance. The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Mark and Karen had left, her mother asked her father what he found out. The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I’m God."

• My wife and I took a yoga class together and while in the front row, I farted quite loudly. Nobody said a word but I was immediately embarrassed. I turned to my wife who was shaking from holding in her laughter. Not knowing what else to do, I simply said, "excuse you miss" and continued my downward dog pose. Hope you like this bit Brian. Contact me @bergerwill:twitter 

• A neutron walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The neutron asks, "How much do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you? No charge." twitter= @appleguy

• knock-knock who's there? september 11 september 11 who? you said you would NEVER FORGET

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