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Projected High Today, 68 Degrees, Is Total Bullshit

Categories: Environment
NWS Map.jpg
via NOAA.gov
January weather, I am disappoint.
The National Weather Service predicts a high temperature of 68 degrees Fahrenheit today, which would set a new record high for January 30 in St. Louis (the current record is 67 degrees, set in 1884.)

This is complete bullshit.

All weekend long, people were gushing about the beautiful weather while they walked dogs, played Frisbee in the park and washed cars. All of those assholes can go screw, because January in St. Louis is supposed to be cold and nasty -- and that's just how I like it, because I am cold and nasty.

This winter has been a complete disappointment so far. One lousy inch of snow that was only problematic because MoDot didn't do anything to the streets, and that's it. Where's my freezing rain? Where's the snow that comes down sideways? Where's that anus-puckering cold that turns every booger in your head to rock-hard consistency before you even take four steps off the porch?

February, I'm putting you on warning: You better be as cold and grim as Death, you runty little turd of a month. Snow's a good start, but ten or fifteen consecutive days of sub-freezing temperature would be even better. You wanna throw a Tuesday morning ice storm in there? I won't complain. Hell, you can take two of my toes -- your choice -- to frostbite.

And if one more person exhorts me to cheer up with a perky, "You should be enjoying this beautiful weather," I'ma stab them with an ice pick.


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8 comments
janice
janice

BRANG ON THE SNOW!! please. thanks. 

Kitty
Kitty

Agreed. Everyone's all, "Oh gosh, I just love this freakishly warm weather in January! Never mind about the ecosystem, er whatever."  But no one dares say it might be global warming or the conservatives will accuse you of using that crazy science stuff to push some kind of "Save the Earth" agenda.

KITTY
KITTY

Kelsey Whipple re-incarnated! Bring on your ice pick. I'll show you my 44 magnum. Hey Chad...you should have checked his references better. If he claimed to have gone to journalism school, he lied!

Ryan
Ryan

perfect.  couldn't agree more.

Mike N.
Mike N.

Why such language?  I don't think the 2011 United Media Guild's Terry Hughes award winner John H. Tucker would resort to such tactics!  Okay, maybe he would, but I just wanted to give him his due props.

And yes, it's freakishly nice out; I'm kind of worried.

Aaron Akins
Aaron Akins

This. Remember how Grover Cleveland trounced "the Magentic Man," James Blaine, in the '84 election by denouncing Blaine's "junk science" theories about that year's preternaturally warm winter. Granted, that wasn't the only issue that Cleveland demagogued -- he skewered Blain, a former editor of the Kennebec Journal, as a leading member of the lamestream media. But it was really the non-stop stream of Standard Oil funded telegraph campaign ads about Blaine's loony "meteoric obsessions" that swung the election to Cleveland.

Kelsey W.
Kelsey W.

Hey, Paul writes about the weather way better than I ever could.

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