Top

blog

Stories

 

New England Witches: Officially Stronger Than Tim Tebow's Jesus

Categories: Aaron Schafer
witch-3.jpg
Seriously. Tim Tebow has no shot against that.
I know we tend to forget around these parts, considering how rarely we've had reason to pay attention the past few years, but the NFL playoffs are going on at the moment. You may have noticed ESPN and the rest of the 24-hour sports media frothing even more than usual lately; it's kind of what they do when football is on. 

It was a pretty good weekend for the NFL, too; at least, it was a good weekend if you like defense, or home teams, or guys named Harbaugh. Three of the four games saw home-field advantage hold, three of the four teams that moved on are more Dick Butkus than Drew Brees, and 100% of the Harbaughs involved won. 

Even better than any of those other things, though, this weekend in the NFL saw the resolution of a centuries-old conflict and vindication for thousands wrongfully killed in the name of fear and ignorance. And it all went down in a place called Foxborough

The late game Saturday pitted Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos against the New England Patriots and Tom Brady. God's Chosen Team against Bill Belichick, the closest thing the NFL has to a Sith lord, and a Justin Beiber lookalike. The result was a systematic dismantling of the Broncos and a final score of 45-10 Pats. 

Really, though, it wasn't a fair fight. See, the Patriots had a secret weapon on their side. They had witches. 

Yes, you heard me right. Witches. Like, stirring cauldrons full of newt's eyes and stuff like that witches. Like poisoned apple for Snow White witches. Like hot anime villain witches. Mmm, hot anime villain witches. Wait, what was I talking about? 

Oh, yeah, football witches. See, before the Pats-Broncos game, a large coven of Massachusetts witches got together and did what witches do in order to ensure victory for Tom Brady and the Patriots. Casting spells, holding seances, probably calling upon various animal familiars to add their powers to the New England offense, that sort of thing. 

Blair-blair-from-soul-eater-20067083-650-566.jpg
Okay, so she's actually a magical cat in a witch hat rather than a real witch, but still. Better than Tebow all the same.
​And so it was that the witches of Massachusetts defeated Tim Tebow and the forces of Christianity, proving both their own magical superiority and taking revenge for some rather well-known witch trials which took place fairly nearby. During the infamous Salem witch trials hundreds, perhaps thousands of people accused of witchcraft were tortured and killed by America's best imitation of the Inquisition, which mostly consisted of dudes in those funny pilgrim hats and wearing lots of buckles condemning women to death for ruining wheat crops and coercing men into adulterous affairs against their will. Apparently witches have a tough time getting laid without magic. And they hate bread. 

Tim Tebow, the chosen avatar of Jesus, holy and humble and all John 3:16'd up. Tom Brady, forces of darkness and terrible soup recipes (eye of newt tastes awful), firmly behind him, taking revenge for all their fallen brethren. By the time the dust settled Saturday night it was clear who had won. 

Patriots 45, Broncos 10, Witches 1, Jesus 0. Congratulations, witches. 

Next weekend we get San Francisco versus the New York Giants. Gays against Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Personally, my money is on the gays. Or maybe I'm just hoping. We know they throw much better parades at the very least. 

Advertisement

My Voice Nation Help
5 comments
JMMattL
JMMattL

Whether it's with a football or praying in public, showboating is still showboating.  Those who do so in public have their reward.  Tebow should read the bible more closely.

“Whenever you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, because they love to pray while standing in synagogues and on street corners so that people can see them. Truly I say to you, they have their reward. But whenever you pray, go into your room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. And your Father, who sees in secret, will reward you” (Matthew 6:5-6).

Congrats Tebow.  You got the public's attention.  Well done.

David Salisbury
David Salisbury

Um, hundreds of thousands of people were not killed in America for Witchcraft. It was well under 100 by the time the trials ended.  Northern Europe killed the most people with Eastern Europe following close by, and the British Isles after that. North America has the least amount.

Pete Pepper
Pete Pepper

Personally, I am not a sports fan.  Never understood the fascination with Teabow in the slightest.  But I am DEAD tired of hearing about him and his mythology.This article however, made me laugh.

WilltheWarlock
WilltheWarlock

I read last week a survey found 43% of Americans actually believed jesus directly helped Tebow and the Broncos win games.  By that logic the same 43% believe that the Tebow and Broncos lost god's favor for no apparent reason and/or witchcraft is stronger than jesus.

Welcome to the USA, where 43% of us believe god's judgement is arbitrary and witchcraft is stronger than jesus.

Now Trending

St. Louis Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

General

Loading...