A Brief History of the Universe According to Representative Todd Akin

you can't fix stupid
via FiredUp Missouri
Daily RFT was tickled by New Yorker's recent timeline of "A Conservative History of the United States". St. Louis' own Phyllis Schlafly got a thoughtful shout-out for bashing airing her concerns about high-efficiency light bulbs:

2011: Fluorescent bulbs cause epilepsy: "...broken C.F.L. bulbs allegedly cause migraines and epilepsy attacks."--Phyllis Schlafly

But otherwise, New Yorker's history overlooks Missouri's many right-of-center experts. Daily RFT decided to go further, with "A Brief History of the Universe According to Todd Akin", our favorite native son and self-avowed history buff.

intelligent design
Intelligent design, courtesy of God.
4000 B.C.: God tears Eve from Adam's rib and wisely gives her the vaginal mechanisms "to try to shut that whole thing down" in cases of legitimate rape.

1000 B.C.: God authors the Bible, with America in mind (He plans ahead!), as "an entire blueprint for the way civilization can be structured" (from a 2009 anti-Obama ad). Justice was swifter with public stonings.

500 B.C.: Sodom and Gomorrah fall due to excessive gayness. Countless other empires follow: "From a practical point of view, to preserve our civilization and society, it's important for us to preserve marriage. Anybody who knows something about the history of the human race knows that there is no civilization which has condoned homosexual marriage widely and openly that has long survived."

0 A.D.: Christ born, already stoked about America and Todd Akin's campaign for Senate.

Before 1620: Liberalism is born in Europe, out of a hatred of God: "At the heart of liberalism really is a hatred for God and a belief that government should replace God."



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