Nationwide Pizza Party If Missouri Secedes? Hold Your Horses, America

Categories: Missourah

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49-state pizza party? Yippee!

Ain't no pizza party like a pizza party we're not invited to.

In what seems to be the beginning of a war of White House petitions, people have responded to the wacko Missouri secession petition with one of their own.

1401 people (as of Thursday evening) have signed on to demand a nationwide pizza party should Missouri successfully secede from the Union. Is the guy who started this thing a Cubs fan or a Kansas alum?

Text of the clever petition:

Peacefully grant the remaining United States of America a Pizza Party furnished by Pizza Hut and Papa Johns (unless he keeps laying off his workers) should the State of Missouri succeed with one or both of their petitions to the White House to Secede from the Union.

As remaining loyal citizens of America, and to shove it in Missourians faces once they aren't a part of the US any longer, a Nationwide Pizza Party would reconcile differences, mend old wounds and bring together the nation.

Now the average Missourian wants to stay in the Union. The White House petitions that residents from 20 states have filed and successfully publicized seem to be coming from the "we don't want a crazy Kenyan/Muslim socialist president" set. If America does see fit to boot Missouri out of the Union one day, Daily RFT would like to make the case for letting us stick around (despite our occasionally vocal crazies):

1. You need our disgusting polluted river.

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Big Muddy and the Eads, fouled by your commerce.

You need it more than you know. Last year you shipped over four million tons of goods down the Missouri River, distributing plenty of toxic discharge along the way. Hey America, you gonna use the Missouri River in good times (to explore yourself), knock it up (with pollution), and then kick it the curb when times get rough? That is so not what the founding fathers taught us (besides this guy).

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