Nationwide Pizza Party If Missouri Secedes? Hold Your Horses, America

Categories: Missourah

2. With Todd Akin, we made this election all about ladies.
Esquire's photoshop of Politico's caricature of our gift to the Democratic party.

Dear Claire McCaskill, Barack Obama, Elizabeth Warren and everyone else elected because Todd Akin said something profoundly stupid that inadvertently came to represent the big, bad, right-wing boogeyman: you can thank us whenever. Without Todd Akin's foot-in-mouthery, who knows how this election would've turned out. Admit it: you need your boogeymen and your Tea-Party-Punching-Bags and you need us red-staters to give them to you. No blue state could've delivered such a dramatic Democratic upset the way we did this year.
You're welcome, Mr. President.
With love,

3. We're right in the middle.


You don't want a puzzle with one piece missing right in the middle, right? Ultimate bummer.

Missouri is America's malformed heart in the heartland. You use it to talk about weather all the time on your morning talk shows (looking at you Rams-lover Kelly Ripa). Are you going to talk about Chicago, where it's always cold as a penguin's tit? Ya can't and ya won't. It's gotta be St. Louis, and it's gotta be Missouri.

4. Mmmm provel.


What kind of pizza party is it gonna be anyway without Provel, amirite?

Stay tuned for the sequel to this post: Why the Union is better off without Missouri.

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