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9 Investigative Reports KSDK Should Work On Now After That Epic School Safety Story

Categories: Satire Alert!

ksdk1.jpg
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The crew at KSDK prepare for a new story.
KSDK-TV (Channel 5) took over the Internet Thursday by pulling a stunt so poorly planned that Kirkwood High School had to go on lockdown.

After sending a grown man with a hidden camera to wander around the high school, KSDK waited 100 minutes, including 40 minutes in lockdown, before telling school officials the stranger was a reporter and no one was in danger.

See also: KSDK Investigation on School Safety in Kirkwood Reveals Journalists Are The Worst

Now that KSDK is on a roll, here are a few story ideas the station can work on next:

1. Reporters will leave buzzing bags on public transit, including buses and MetroLink, to see how long it takes for security to notice. Once the bomb squad has opened it up, inside will just be a big pink vibrator. Gotcha!

2. Reporters will test health inspectors by poisoning food at local restaurants. If the health inspector is really doing his or her job, no one will die! (This one sounds like a reality show. Let's call it: Dinner or Death?)

3. By releasing rabid raccoons and termites underneath houses, reporters can prove whether local pest-control experts are pulling their weight.

raccoon.jpg
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KSDK's newest employee moves into their offices.
4. Reporters will carry knives in their assholes and try to get through security at Lambert St. Louis International Airport. Bonus points if the TSA agents cut themselves while extracting the knives, proving they aren't following official protocol.

5. Releasing vials of H1N1 into the air will give reporters a chance to keep public-health officials on their toes and reveal the dramatic lack of hospital beds during an epidemic.

6. A reporter will go undercover as an orca at SeaWorld to see if all the Blackfish hype is for real.

7. After a penitent makes his or her confession to a priest, a reporter chops the sinner's head off to see if their soul really goes to heaven.

8. A reporter will slice her hand open in the middle of a crowded mall, testing whether emergency crews will use gloves while helping her to prevent HIV and disease contamination.

9. A reporting team will steal credit-card information from shoppers at local grocery stores, get them horrendously into debt and then do stories for the rest of time about how horrible it is.

Also, we're wondering if KSDK caused the recent polar vortex and snowstorm to see if the city would ever plow side streets.

Any other story ideas you'd like to pitch to KSDK?

Follow Lindsay Toler on Twitter at @StLouisLindsay. E-mail the author at Lindsay.Toler@RiverfrontTimes.com.


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46 comments
12345abc
12345abc

Here's an idea for one of their rival stations...


Test KSDK's fire alarms and see how the staff respond.


The next day call in a fake bomb scare and see what their protocols are and see if they are followed.


The third day send a harmless white powder to their news director and see how things go.


Then, if you're caught, just say it was a "news investigation" and say "Oops, sorry." and expect to be forgiven.  

rebdeb42
rebdeb42

Here's an idea: sneak your reporter in to a school to test FIRE safety and have him pull the fire alarm. The same panic would ensue, but the reporter would be thrown in jail where he belongs. 

It is not KSDK's job to "test" things like fire safety in their "investigations." They should report the news…not CREATE news for publicity. KSDK should be fined for disturbance of the peace, at the very least.

And for anyone who doesn't know, Kirkwood High School is like a college campus. There are different building the kids walk to in between classes. It is impossible to lock these doors at all times….unless the kids have some kind of futuristic eye-scan device they use when going in to the building.

Shame on KSDK for their reckless, irresponsible and unprofessional behavior.

danerh66
danerh66

Where's the outrage at KHS for allowing a "grown man" to wander their halls at will? And why did it take an hour to go on lock down? The damage could easily have been done by then. This is the hometown of Cookie Thornton after all. (By the way, what does the fact that it was a "grown man" have to do with anything? Would a child or a woman have been better or less threatening? Children have caused plenty of grief from school shootings.)

Sarah Stum
Sarah Stum

KSDK reports real news? That's news to me.

Epic Coffeetime
Epic Coffeetime

It would have been better if Larry Conners was the reporter.

HateKSDK
HateKSDK

Kitty, the idiot that went to KHS was John Kelly.  I think he is a janitor with the station.  I shouldn't say that and insult great janitors everywhere.  Let him know what you think on twitter.  @JohnKellyKSDK  He is not the only one to blame.  The KSDK news director Mike Shipley authorized the report and the entire station seemed to play some part in 

the fiasco.  KHS called multiple times to KSDK to confirm if the individual was with KSDK and the station refused to confirm his identity even after they were told the school would have to go on lockdown if KSDK did not confirm that he worked for them.  KSDK forced the schools hand and caused the lockdown.  Emergency responders rushed to the scene and they even had snipers on the school roof.  An entire community was terrorized all because KSDK wanted ratings...  Besides contacting your congressmen you may also contact the FCC to file a complaint.   FCC  888-225-5322

omomma
omomma

I have quite a few things to pitch at KSDK, nothing involving a story.

janiemahl
janiemahl

Why is no one concerned that the camera guy was able to enter the school, alone and wander the halls?  THAT should be something Kirkwood should have to answer.

rothase2
rothase2

Kitty, the reporter was John Kelly (although he does not have a journalism degree, nor an English degree), his boss (who told me personally that he was responsible for the story) is Mike Shipley.

KITTY
KITTY

Why is the name of the sob who did this not being made public. It was probably one of those six weeks wonders Lynn Beagle hires and fires in rapid successon. Nevertheless, the person should be identified and face the music!


LeisureJack
LeisureJack

KSDK's Commuter Dude will follow around Fox 2's Mazda Roadrunner to report on any unsafe driving or traffic violation he sees the Roadrunner committing. 

Eve Plummer Samuel
Eve Plummer Samuel

I don't want my 'news source' out there making the news and then reporting it. But KHS has a real problem on their hands.

Susan Moenkhaus
Susan Moenkhaus

Last week KSDK had one reporter standing in snow-covered parking lots telling us it was just "paved" when she meant plowed; another was in a car on the highway, no doubt getting in the way of snow removal crews, telling us it was really snowing and to stay home. They have way too much "reporting" staff with way too much time on their hands. They should be censured for their unprofessionalism in this latest fear mongering debacle. But I don't have any strong opinions about it all ...

Eddie Cathers
Eddie Cathers

although this may have been a good idea, poke funny at reporters bad idea, however this is actually quite crude.

Jessica Kruse
Jessica Kruse

I feel horrible for the children and their parents. If I were notified my childrens school was on lock down... I would completely lose it. I would go there and want to force my way in. No one will victimized these children and if my kids die than so do I. Huge scare. Hopefully the fear of this happening will motivate parents and students to push for better security.

Ryan Berg
Ryan Berg

KSDK didn't cause any chaos while there. KHS caused chaos an hour after KSDK had left.

Ryan Berg
Ryan Berg

Better that it was a KSDK reporter than someone actually there to cause a problem. I don't understand why people are mad at KSDK when it's KHS's fault. They locked down an hour after KSDK left, when there was absolutely no threat. KHS terrified their own students needlessly! LOL

William Alverson
William Alverson

The station did not cause the lockdown. KHS failed miserably.

Steve Dixon
Steve Dixon

Yes, but a news station causing unnecessary panic is not the way to do it.

Lanie Dattilo
Lanie Dattilo

Makes me wonder why Kirkwood was so slow to call a lockdown. They were the only one who failed.

Janet Johnson
Janet Johnson

I don't think this article was meant to be news, it was meant to be funny and snarky, and it was. I would much rather read this than read about the "real" news that was unnecessarily created by ksdk. It was heartbreaking to read about those students that were terrified by this stunt carried out by this thoughtless idiot from this "news" channel.

Daniel Stout
Daniel Stout

Because the RFT is so much better at actual journalism?

Laura Heying
Laura Heying

I think this is hilarious. If you don't like it, stop following them.

Erica Fisher
Erica Fisher

I think it's funny, everyone needs to stop being so soft.

perock
perock topcommenter

A ksdk reporter goes undercover as a ksdk reporter to find out if they're broadcasting relevant news or just crap to keep us scared

Dean Bruemmer
Dean Bruemmer

That was a great story by KSDK. Looks like Kirkwood needed a wake up call.

Dustin Estes
Dustin Estes

They have turned into an "edgy" Buzzfeed.

Lanie Dattilo
Lanie Dattilo

It qualifies itself as a "newspaper" and says - The Riverfront Times focuses on the issues that are important to St. Louis's young adults. Each week, hundreds of thousands of readers turn to the RFT for award-winning journalism, powerful investigative reporting, news and commentary on local politics, and the most comprehensive arts and entertainment coverage in the St. Louis area. I'm sorry I don't remember the last time the RFT did any powerful or meaningful reporting.

Josh Goodman
Josh Goodman

One step closer to The Onion,stay classy RFT.

Drew Patterson
Drew Patterson

I don't think the RFT claims to be a "real" news source.

Lanie Dattilo
Lanie Dattilo

Dustin Estes I know right? The RFT resembles an angsty blog more and more every day.

Dustin Estes
Dustin Estes

This hastily-made article brought to you by the RFT.

HateKSDK
HateKSDK

@janiemahl If you knew the KHS campus you would understand.  I wonder what result KSDK would get if they did the same "test" at Meramec Community College?  I am betting the same as it is the same style campus.  

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