St. Louis Named No. 3 U.S. City Most in Need of a Superhero

Categories: Lists

superman.jpg
Steve Truesdell
St. Louis' Superman.
We need a hero! A superhero, to be specific.

A new ranking analyzes which U.S. cities are becoming modern day Gothams in need of their own caped crusader. St. Louis ranks No. 3, behind Detroit (No. 1) and Oakland (No. 2.)

Ryan Nickum, a real estate blogger for Estately, says it was St. Louis' natural disasters that put us close to the top of the list. St. Louis has its fair share of tornadoes, floods, earthquakes; plus, we sure could have used a superhero this winter to push cars out of snowbanks or clear neighborhood streets by flying over them.

St. Louis has plenty of criminals to keep a superhero busy. The Lou is consistently ranked in the top ten most dangerous cities in America, although the math behind those rankings gets a little fuzzy.

See also: St. Louis Named No. 5 Most Dangerous City Because No One Knows How Statistics Work

clump.png
Estately
The Clump, St. Louis' own personal superhero.
Nickum says he also looked for cities with organized crime syndicates, proximity to nuclear power plants, risk for terrorist attacks and local populations most likely to become super-villans, namely millionaires and scientists. St. Louis has them all, including a radioactive landfill just waiting to turn a spider into a superhero-generating terror.

Nickum didn't just analyze which cities needed superheroes. He designed a superhero for us, specifically tailored to St. Louis' unique crime-fighting needs.

Who is St. Louis' ideal superhero? Meet the Clump, a rough-and-tumble brewer with a tidy mustache who makes beer all day and fights crime all night. Nickum sees him as a beefed-up Tony LaRussa who can also brew.

"He looks like Mario, but he can jump over the Arch in a single bound, even higher if he's been drinking," Nickum says. "To me, it seems like he fits St. Louis. he is big, tough and hard-working."

Nickum admits a St. Louis native could probably come up with a better superhero, but a squat, bad-ass brewer protecting St. Louis is a pretty rad idea.

Besides, St. Louis can take care of its own problems. In the words of a famous St. Louisan, we don't need another hero.

Follow Lindsay Toler on Twitter at @StLouisLindsay. E-mail the author at Lindsay.Toler@RiverfrontTimes.com.



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28 comments
Travis Gebhardt
Travis Gebhardt

Mrs Jodi fox- let us know the next time you are in St. Louis so we can make sure someone slaps you in the face like Biaaaatch you are.. How can anyone living in Illinois talk? How many governors do you guys have in st prisons? President trying to destroy the country. Madison county home of the heroin overdose. Your state motto should be Illinois land of scrap yards and strip clubs

Jodi Fox
Jodi Fox

Pfffft, your the one living there. Nasty, dirty, run down, meth and murder capitol of the USA. Not much better than East St. Louis. Now who is the retard?

Wes Slocum
Wes Slocum

Robert Malmgren isn't that your boy?

LoydnotHarrry
LoydnotHarrry

RATMAN?

Pretty sure the STL superhero wouldn't be a George Zimmerman style white guy secretly fighting the gansta' lords " of STL. That would be racist oppression and a clear hate crime.

Our superhero should be synonymous with our city.

Our hero would have dreadlocks, a gold grille, and a kryptonic reaction to his own bad drug habit. He would look like the young son our President never had (when he was 12 years old).

He could even have a faithful pitbull puppy assistant he could take his frustrations out on. His alter-ego would be a simple homeless dude hangin' out with a shopping cart at Larry Rice's New Evangelistic Center ... by day.

We even have the old Continental Building from the original superman TV show.

Ratman could fly off the top of that building (at least once, because he clearly isn't immortal, and our local street chemicals can induce the illusion of being capable of free flight)

Hey, it's St. Louis !!!




James Harris
James Harris

And that's what people think about this city? I'm moving somewhere without any sports teams.

Kevin Chau
Kevin Chau

No one would understand this Halloween costume.

Jodi Fox
Jodi Fox

Bulldoze North St. Louis and problem would change. Give the people CASH payoffs for moving out of state. Like maybe Detroit, it's already all shit. They would be right at home!

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