VIDEO: This St. Louis Vaudeville Performer Really Hates Dick Pics
A. Buy her flowers.
B. Read a novel so you can offer intelligent-sounding sentences during conversation.
C. Send her a dick pic and a badly misspelled text message -- "nice titssss. fwb?"
Too many guys fail this test, says St. Louis vaudeville performer Kyla Louise Webb. So she wrote a song about it. The tune, titled "Don't Send a Dick Pic," is catchy as hell and contains strongly worded advice to guys who choose Option C.
Webb, 30, performs and directs The Beggar's Carnivale, a nationally recognized variety show that combines elements of burlesque, vaudeville and silent film.
Though she's never received a dick pic herself, Webb tells Daily RFT that she's watched her fellow performers -- especially burlesque dancers -- endure a virtual storm of unwanted penises portraits sent from male "fans."
"All the women in the burlesque community get dick pics and unsolicited sex messages on a regular basis," Webb tells Daily RFT. "I'm really grateful that I do not receive dick pics," she adds.
After a friend received a particularly upsetting string of sexual messages, Webb says she turned her disgust at the practice into the song. Webb, using her persona as the Chaplin-esque "Artful Masher" Sammy Tramp, wrote her tongue-in-cheek ditty to get some laughs but also to get the word out.
Back in the European music halls of the 19th and early 20th century, Webb explains, women dressed up as young men to perform comedic songs and monologues. They doled out advice to the gentlemen in the crowd on the art of properly courting ladies. "Mashers," as these female performers were called, inspired Webb to create "Don't Send a Dick Pic."
"I want to be able to honor these old styles of performances by modernizing them and making them new again," she says. "If a woman were to get up onstage in the 1800s and tell men how to behave, I don't think anyone would have listened to it. The fact that they were able to use comedy and put it on stage made it OK."
Of course, Webb wishes 21st century men would pass the "Do I send a dick pic?" test on a more consistent basis.
"Maybe," she jokes, "if this song gets more popular I'll end up getting unsolicited dick pics from people who are angry."
Hey guys out there: Prove her wrong. Remember:
Be a gentleman and treat her like a lady,
Remember she's a human, not your Internet plaything
Kyla Louise Webb, via Tumblr Does this look like someone who wants to see your tinted Instagram boner? No one wants to see that, bro. Put it away.