St. Louis News Blog

Via Jezebel.

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flickr.com/photos/mychatham

​With Thanksgiving rapidly bearing down on us, surer than death and taxes, it came as alarming news yesterday when the Missouri Department of Conservation announced that this year's fall turkey-hunting season was the second-worst on record.

Hunters only managed to bag 8,300 birds last month. That may seem like a lot to a city-slicker who thinks turkeys come from the supermarket, wrapped in plastic, but in 1987, more than 28,000 turkeys met their maker.

What has gone wrong? Could the recession be affecting the wild turkey population in the same mysterious, all-encompassing way it has been affecting everything else? Is it any coincidence that last year was the worst turkey hunting year of all time?

Fortunately, no. The Department of Conservation is blaming poor nesting weather. Turkeys, like humans, thrive in warm, dry spring weather, particularly since they nest on the ground, not in trees.

The good news is, no hunters were shot this year. This, apparently, is a not-uncommon phenomenon when hunters neglect to mark their turkeys as already dead and other hunters have poor aim.

Further good news (except for those who despise turkey): the supermarket turkey population appears to be unaffected.

We here at Daily RFT count ourselves as fans of the St. Louis-based American Mustache Institute.

After all, what's not to like about a faux advocacy group fighting for the civil rights of mustached Americans? AMI's entire premise is so ridiculous, it's funny. Besides, the guy's at AMI throw killer parties and have the support of mega celebrities like John Oates.

But today we found one man who has no appreciation for AMI.

We'll let him explain his case in the video below. Dude really takes it on the chin, so to speak.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/journeyguy/ / CC BY 2.0

​If we told you that Missouri deer hunters were engaged in liberal do-gooder activities to help the have-nots....would your mind implode? Watch the eff out.

Show-Me State outdoorsmen donated about 270,000 pounds of venison to charitable organizations that feed the hungry last year. Such is the stat that Dan Zarlenga of the Missouri Department of Conservation gave the Daily RFT today. These hunters even had to pay some of the cost of processing the animal. 

But this year, he says, hunters can drop off a deer for charity without having to pay. (Click here for more on this state-run program.)

Sure, you say, but how many heartless Bambi-killers are gonna care whether a homeless shelter in St. Louis has deer meat for supper? Well, says Zarlenga, in 2007 over 5,500 hunters across the state bucked up -- if you will -- and donated venison.

The original front page headline:
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Wikimedia Commons

You won't find a crapper as rustic as this one at the I-44 Conway Welcome Center. It has modern wastewater treatment!

​This just in from the latest issue of AAA's Midwest Traveler magazine: a $10.8 million Missouri rest stop has collected props from the American Association of State Highway and Transportation Officials in the coming-in-ahead-of-time-and-under-budget category.

Your humble Daily RFT correspondent celebrated for a minute here before it hit us: Missouri has a rest stop?

The Route 66-themed outpost apparently opened back in May in a faraway-sounding place called Conway. Among the eco-friendly perks are motion-sensored toilets, pet walking areas and "a modern wastewater treatment system."

Alrighty then!

That'll sure differentiate the Conway Welcome Center from our run-of-the-mill do-me-doggie truck stops.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/abennett96/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Trick-FOR-Treaters

​Halloween in St. Louis is somewhat unique in that we require trick-or-treaters to tell us jokes in exchange for candy.

Yes, somewhere along the way St. Louisan's interpreted trick-or-treat as trick-FOR-treat, implying that costumed tykes should entertain us with a trick (or joke) before receiving a sweet. This, by the way, is in contrast to the more agreed-upon version of trick-or-treating in which kids will play a trick on you (ie. egg your house, smash your jack-o'-lantern) if you don't fork over some candy.

But I digress. The intent of this post is to share  some of the best wisecracks we overheard this Halloween.

Here are three in order from slightly amusing to darn-right funny -- for an 8-year-old.

1. What does Tigger say after he goes to the bathroom?

Be warned: It involves the state of Kentucky and a horse.

​ Not sure which I like better: The gratuitous use of blood in this bogus infomercial or the gratuitous Boston accent. Come to think of it, I think it's the latter.

​ ​Not long ago, Daily RFT got an e-mail from a British documentary researcher in search of a Missouri woman who suckles her cat. Meow meow WHA?

It appears that a British tabloid called Closer recently ran a feature (not available online) concerning a certain Janine Hammond, who somewhere in our fair state has been offering her prosperous teat to her cat, Flash. Oh, and a guinea pig. AND a shire horse.

A handful of smutty British websites have excerpted the original story, in which our quirky 25-year-old tossed off the following delicious quotes:

 "People will think I'm weird, but it's an amazing experience. Flash loves it, and feeds twice a day. Nobody should knock it until they've tried it."

"It's fantastic. His teeth and rough tongue skin tickle, but he's never one broken my skin."

Apparently, Hammond gave birth to a son, Kenny, who wouldn't get near his mom's ripe bazongas. The cat, however, was totally into it.  Quoth she, the mother:

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All of this is to say that the term "long snapper" is not used frequently enough in headlines.

From yesterday's Post-Dispatch:
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And from The Onion:

flickr.com/photos/pho-tog

A bee stinger lodged in human flesh.

​A happy thought to sustain you during the last few warm days of the year, before winter squeezes us all in its icy fist:

When a tiny buzzing member of the insect order Hymenoptera decides to plunge its stinger into your tender flesh, quite often you don't really care which particular species got you. Most people refer to them as "bees" or "that little [expletive of your choice]."

But now, thanks to Justin O. Schmidt, an entomologist at the Carl Hayden Bee Research Center in Tucson and the creator of the appropriately-named and poetically-written Schmidt Sting Pain Index, you can identify what Hymenoptera stung you by how much pain it caused.

As Schmidt noted in his original paper, which covered 78 different species,  "all research was self-inflicted." He is a brave, brave man.

A few choice excerpts from the Schmidt Sting Pain Index after the jump:

​It started last year as a joke. Two devoted MetroLink fans -- Liz Kramer and Claire Nowak-Boyd -- wanted to do something special to show their support for Proposition M, the ballot measure that would provide the light-rail system with tens of million of dollars in additional funding.

Their idea? A party aboard MetroLink. But not just any party. A prom!

The soiree attracted some 80 folks clad in their best formal wear and ruffles. This year the prom committee (Kramer, Nowak-Boyd and co-conspirators) are banking on an even bigger turnout.

Yes, Prop. M may have suffered an ignoble death last November. But the prom? She lives on. Hell, they even have officials at Metro endorsing the party this year with the transit agency chipping in swag to award the prom king and queen.

That's right, the prom includes a coronation party, dancing, portraits and music. All the details after the jump.

Back off! I'm just here for the trophy.

​As everyone has heard by now, times are tough on the auto lot.

​A post yesterday on aliens, touched off a flurry of angry comments here at Daily RFT. 

Unreal loves a business trip as much as anybody. Oh, the fun we've had on long drives out to the O'Fallons, Lake of the Ozarks and Ste. Genevieve! The best part, though, comes after we get home, when that little expense check magically shows up in our pigeonhole. How wonderful life would be, we've often thought, if we could just disappear for a few days and then get that expense check without, you know, actually doing any work.  Daily life, especially in these times, does get expensive and a little extra cash is always welcome.

Then we heard about the Maloney & Porcelli Expense Report Generator. Through the magic of the Internet, it makes a full expense report for you, with receipts and everything, that you can just send to your accounts person.

Eagerly, we decided to try it out. Three hundred twenty bucks and thirty-eight cents sounded like a reasonable expense check for the strenuous business of sitting at home in our underwear watching daytime TV.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/bastique/ / CC BY-SA 2.0

​So, pit bulls. Born vicious? Or simply made vicious by douchebag owners? Or are pit bulls no more "vicious" than other breeds?

Earlier this week in Senath, Missouri (waaaaay down in the Bootheel), the city council debated a proposed ordinance to ban pit bulls within city limits, or so reports The Daily Dunklin Democrat.

Banning pit-bulls is nothing new (click here for Web page devoted to just this topic). Shrewsbury passed a ban in 2005, for example. Eureka followed suit a couple years later. But in both cases, these ordinances banned new pit bulls. The ones already living in city limits were allowed to stay put.

However, the ordinance proposed down in Senath would've allowed officials to round up all pit bulls and try to find homes for them elsewhere. Failing that, the dogs would've been euthanized.
   

From Francis Slay's Twitter feed this morning...

Ronald Ball says he was drinking a Mountain Dew at his workplace in Wood River, Illinois, when a strange sensation caused him to spit up the beverage. 

Photo: Steve Truesdell

There are two (2) beer steins in this photo. How many more can there be!?

​The beer steins at Soulard Oktoberfest were everywhere. The liter-sized plastic mugs were so prevalent, you might find yourself trying to count them in our slide show from Saturday night.

So here's a fun contest for your Monday morning. The first person to comment with the correct number of steins wins a Riverfront Times Best Of 2009 shirt (sorry, only Medium or Large are available) and of course, a beer stein just like the ones you see pictured above, minus the beer. So remember to include your e-mail address and name, and we'll get your prize to you from there.

Here's a hint: Count all the steins you see, even if one is partially out of the frame. You might want to grab a piece of scratch paper and a pen. Good luck!

​ Just came across this website advertisement (above) while checking the weather conditions for tonight's Mizzou-Nebraska game in Columbia. (FYI: Conditions will be sloppy as it's been raining there all day, too.)

But enough about that. What in God's holy name is the woman doing in this ad? Sure, it implies she's whitening her teeth. But, c'mon, doesn't it look like she's servicing R2-D2?

Clicking on the link in the advertisement we discover that the woman is Cathy Anderson, a St. Louis mom who loves to blog about the two-step process she discovered for whitening her teeth.

Sadly, Anderson makes no mention of any alien trysts in her blogging. Perhaps she's just waiting to get to the good stuff. Or maybe the Martians deleted her memory after the abduction? 

Unreal stumbled across the following answering machine message purported to be in use by a school district in Australia.

And while we're not sure about the validity of that claim, Unreal is pretty convinced that some of the admonishments in the message might indeed benefit the beleaguered St. Louis Public School District.

Listen for yourself:

ahsmail.uwaterloo.ca/

​Kim Peek, the real-life savant who inspired the Dustin Hoffman/Tom Cruise classic, gave a speech yesterday at the University of Central Missouri in Warrensburg. That was a Monday. Peek could also tell you-- instantly-- what day of the week October 5 was in 1979, 1994, 1852 or any other year.

Peek was diagnosed with several mental disabilities as a child and he suffers from a variety of social disorders. He also has a photographic memory and has been called "the living Google." He can't comb his hair or shave, relying on his 80-year-old father to help him with such daily necessities, but he reads an average of eight books per day (taking them two pages at at time, reading one page with his left eye and the other with his right!) and retains 98 percent of the information.

​Fall is a suspenseful time for the nation's smartest people. No, we're not referring to the announcements of the winners of the MacArthur Foundation "genius" grants or the Nobel Prizes. Those things are all small potatoes compared to The Daily Beast's ranking of America's Smartest Cities, which came out yesterday.

Think about it. Most of us will never get $500,000 from the MacArthur Foundation or an all-expenses-paid trip to Stockholm. But we can all take pride in contributing to the overall intellectual prestige of our home metropolis, at least as determined by an online news site.

And huzzah, St. Louis! We came in 24th of 55! Tied with Chicago! (Which they will, of course, take as further evidence that they are having a very bad week.)

Just because...

Looks like somebody got lucky at last year's Post Secret reading at UMSL. (The Daily RFT did not.)

postsecret.blogspot.com

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It sounds like the correspondent is trying to say, "I won't be wearing any underwear," but don't a blouse and pants seem like pretty substantial covering?

Got this video forwarded to me this morning. It's footage of local jam band Madahoochi (a three-time Riverfront Times Best of St. Louis winner) making a music video for their song "Txt Slut." 

Unlike a jam-band song, the video is mercifully short. But you may want to skip to the 30-second mark to get to the action.

Don't stare too close. The water jets on this lid could shoot your eye out.

​Unreal had a pleasant conversation today with our old friend Bruce Santhuff -- the St. Louis native and founder of the Riverfront-Times-endorsed Spaloo toilet seats.

What makes these toilets seats so special? Well, for starters, they're only the best-darned automated keister cleaners this side of Tokyo.

And now they're getting even better! That's right. Santhuff informs Unreal that he's launching two new models, the Spaloo Classic II and the Primus -- a throne that comes with its very own remote control!

Unreal: Why mess with a winning formula? The original Spaloo was pretty incredible just as it was.

Santhuff: We sold out of our original model, and the new versions are big improvements in terms of features and quality. We've moved production from Taiwan to Korea.

Tells us about the Classic II. Is it named that because each time you go No. 2 on this toilet seat it's a "classic"?

Photo courtesy of Patrick Barlow

​About as fancy as yours and mine...but with California plates and a camera reminiscent of the robot movie with Ally Sheedy.

...on Craigslist.

According to Berger's must-read online column, this is the first time an antique condom canister is being sold on Craigslist.

The vendor lives in St. Charles and wants -- here's Unreal's favorite -- "$3,500.00 FIRM."

www.craigslist.org

Wonder if this Craiglist vendor does want you to contact him with offers for "commercial services"...

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