​There's a unique rhythm to police reports, one that prizes precision and conciseness more than style. Occasionally, you find one that sheds its "just the facts" cadence and blossoms into blank verse beat poetics. Such is the case with the Madison County Sheriff's Office report on the actions of Dustin M. Kraushaar, 20, of Brighton, Illinois.

Kraushaar was using the drive through window at an undisclosed bank in Godfrey, Illinois, (presumably for a deposit) when according to the police report:

"Kraushaar exposed his penis to the teller, with the intent of arousing his sexual desires."

"Intent of arousing his sexual desires" sounds so Victorian, and I love it. Hat's off to you, unknown police report writer. Somehow Kraushaar successfully evaded the police, but eventually turned himself in. He was charged with misdemeanor public indecency, posted bond and released.

There's no indication he achieved release, however.

Shake and bake burn victim.

​Bootheel Drug Task Force investigators were in Steele, MO, earlier this week watching a farm house suspected of being an illegal drug manufacturing operation when a vehicle left. The agents pursued the vehicle, which stopped in the middle of the road and then disgorged its driver, who took off on foot. (Because that's how you escape cops in cars?)

The agents quickly tackled the suspect, who then dropped a plastic one-liter bottle from his jacket.

Do you see where this is going? Rural Missouri, suspected drug house, bozo running crazily for the trees?
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Yeah, she looks like a healthnut all right.

​An 11-year-old Madison County girl found some mysterious capsules on a dresser in her home and asked her mother, Nicole L. Edwards, what they were. Mom told her they were vitamins and left it at that -- she also left the capsules with her kid. The girl, who was smart enough to recognize that most vitamins don't make you lay on floor drooling for hours at a time, gave the capsules to a family member who then turned them in to the sheriff's office. According to the police report, these vitamins contained residual amounts of suspected heroin.

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Put this on your Wheaties! No don't it's crack. LOL.

​Are stupid people drawn to crack? Or does crack make people stupid?

YES.

Take it away, Springfield News-Leader!

Police were called to the 1700 block of North Sherman Avenue about 5:30 a.m. Tuesday, after the woman said she had paid $40 for crack cocaine but got sugar instead, according to an incident report.

She asked officers to get her money back and arrest the drug dealer for stealing.

Cpl. Matt Brown, Springfield police spokesman, said officers found [a crack pipe] on the woman, and he expected her to be cited.

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Was Rick Perry in St. Louis on New Year's? Sounded like it!

​Ignoring the exhortations of St. Louis' Finest, some St. Louisans clearly did pop off some hot ones when 2011 turned to 2012.

Nevermind that "what goes up must come down." When we feel like celebratin' with random sprays of gunfire, dammit, we gonna. If GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry can do it, why can't we? 

One gentleman recorded some of the action and uploaded it to YouTube. You can't see anything in the video, but you can sure hear it.  And here's the dude's comment:

This is what we do in America on New Years. Sounds like a city being invaded. Yes, some of those shots were from me.

Git some! (But hey, maybe try not to kill peoples, please).
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Yesterday's list of the 10 Most Heinous Crimes of 2011 may have made you want to weep for the evil of humanity. Today we bring you the 10 Stupidest Crimes of 2011 in and around St. Louis (listed in order of dumb to dumber), which may also make you want to weep, but this time for stupidity. Or you may consider it a hopeful sign that, despite everything, humanity somehow survives.

​10. Rock, Chalk, Naked as a Jayhawk

It's still unclear why 45-year-old Donald Watson was wandering naked through the backyards of Springfield, Missouri, one evening last April. Nonetheless, Watson did what anybody stuck in such a nightmarish situation would do: He broke into a house and stole some clothes. Unfortunately, the clothes he happened to steal were a pair of shorts and T-shirts emblazoned with the University of Kansas Jayhawk. And this wasn't just any KU memorabilia: This was Jason Chambers' lucky outfit, which he wore during every game of the 2008 basketball season and which sustained the team through its NCAA championship run!

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Stephen Bolin: Plenty of time to mullet over in jail.

​How did you spend Christmas Eve? Was it a "Silent Night" or a rip-roarin' drunken escapade like the one celebrated by Stephen Bolin of Staunton, Illinois?

The Madison County sheriff's department reports that it received a call around 6:41 p.m. December 24 notifying officers that the 41-year-old Bolin caused a disturbance at the Hill Tavern and crashed his car into a ditch while leaving the establishment. Deputies and police arrived a short time later, only to find Bolin "driving by the business at a high rate of speed."

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Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm. I'm just your typical bank patron. Nothing to see here as I talk on my cellphone with my knockoff Coach handbag, my hoop earrings and fabulous wavy wig. Pink sweat pants? Yeah, I got 'em. I also got a gun in my purse, so hand over all your money, motherfudgy!

​The FBI is on the lookout today for the man (above) who dressed as a woman to rob the St. Louis Community Credit Union in Dellwood on Monday. The bank robber is at least the third thief in the past year (or so) who's dressed in drag to rob a St. Louis area financial institution. That led us to wonder: Which of the bandits made the best woman? That is, who did you think was sexiest? Cast your vote after the jump!
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Norman Tammons

​Norman Tammons has been charged with four counts of robbery and two counts of leaving the scene of an accident after he allegedly stole three cars Saturday in St. Louis and crashed all three vehicles within minutes.

According to authorities, the 31-year-old from Centreville approached a man at Barnes-Jewish Hospital the evening of December 3 and showed him what he believed to be a knife. Tammons then allegedly ordered the man to fork over his Honda CRV. The two struggled briefly before Tammons pulled away from the scene in the stolen CRV.

Minutes later police say Tammons crashed the vehicle into a divider on the exit ramp on westbound I-64 at Hampton. He immediately left the vehicle and approached two motorist in a Mitsubishi Mirage parked at the stoplight. Tammons allegedly pulled the driver and passenger out of the vehicle and fled southbound on Hampton where he crashed into a median about a mile away at Hampton and Wilson.
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A suspect enters a house in Granite City after kicking in the door.

​Update: St. Louis police have one suspect in custody and are seeking three others. Details here.

Original story follows...

Warning: If you see four men riding around town in a black Hyundai Sonata today, exercise caution. 

Authorities in Missouri and Illinois believe the men were responsible for an armed robbery and a home burglary that occurred within minutes of each other yesterday morning. The burglary was caught on home surveillance cameras that give a pretty good description of a few of the thugs. 

But first the armed robbery: St. Louis County police say that at around 10:50 a.m. Monday a motorist on North Lindbergh Boulevard near Highway 367 was stopped at a stop sign when a black Hyundai Sonata with temporary tags ran into the rear of his vehicle. When the victim got out of his car to inspect the damage, he said three to four men (described as African American) jumped out of the Hyundai. One of them brandished a gun and robbed him and a passenger of their belongings and then pistol-whipped the driver before taking off.
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