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Will MO secede? Probably not.

Time is running out, America-haters! If we're going to transform our beloved state into a new country -- The People's Conservative-Freakshow Republic of Missouria -- we must act today!

You'll recall how, In the wake of President Barack Obama's re-election, certain Missourians felt it necessary to secede from the United States. Because apparently, that's how some adults choose to react when they don't get their way.

So on November 10, they launched a petition on the White House's website, making Missouri one of at least 20 states to embarrass themselves thus. But 25,000 signatures are needed for an official response from the President.

Doesn't look like we're going to make it.

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Thanks to the more than 40 readers who submitted entries to our headline contest earlier this month. The poll is now officially closed, the votes tabulated and the winner....

Related content:

The "Legitimate Rape" Comment That Started It All

Makin' Akin Out of Bacon

Write This Week's Riverfront Times Headline!

Cast Your Vote for Our Headline Finalists

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Happy about Prop. B? Smoke a Decade.

Tobacco companies financed the bulk of the paid opposition to last week's Proposition B that would have raised cigarette taxes in Missouri.

Two off-brand cigarette manufacturers -- Cheyenne International and Xcaliber International -- each contributed more than $900,000 to the Missouri Petroleum Marketers and Convenience Store Association PAC, which led the effort to defeat the tax. They were the only cigarette firms to fund opposition to Prop. B, according to paperwork filed with the Missouri Ethics Commission.

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Related content:

The "Legitimate Rape" Comment That Started It All

Makin' Akin Out of Bacon

Write This Week's Riverfront Times Headline!

Thanks to the more than 60 readers who left headline suggestions for the cover (right) of this week's Riverfront Times on our Facebook page and news blog.

You all have a pretty sick sense of humor. More depraved than even our own. We appreciate that.

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Ann Wagner, one of Missouri's newest Congresswomen.

In all the excitement of Tuesday's election and yesterday's aftermath, a few things got overlooked. Yes, Todd Akin's not going to the Senate, but since House terms last only two years, as of the new year, he's going to join the ranks of the unemployed.

Which leads to another question: Who's going to take his seat on January 3?

The answer is Ann Wagner, former head of the Missouri GOP and ambassador to Luxembourg under George W. Bush. She is pro-life and pro-gun, but anti-legitimate rape. In fact, she publicly chastised Akin for his remarks back in August. Already things are looking up for the second district!

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The clock's a-tickin' at City Hall on the Board of Aldermen shrinkage

On election day, city voters approved Prop R, which will shrink the Board of Aldermen from 28 to 14 members by 2022. But even among board members, uncertainty remains about how this will actually go down.

"I opposed it," says Eleventh Ward Alderman Tom Villa. "My concept of an alderman is front line of defense for the people, the closest link the people have to the city. I fix the hole in your dumpster; I don't attempt to re-write the judicial code. But the people have chosen this. I can live with that."

According to backers within the board such as Phyllis Young, the Seventh Ward Alderwoman who worked to place it on the ballot, the whole idea is to change an alderman's job description from a handler of dumpster-hole problems to bigger-picture problems. The dumpster holes, in theory, would be left to city employees.

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Leah Greenbaum

Crowd's response at the Chase Park Plaza as CNN called the election for Obama.

Who was the saddest man at the Chase Park Plaza last night? He was tough to find amid a jubilant crowd 500 strong celebrating big Democratic victories at all levels of government, but tucked in a corner behind shrieking college students and a woman sobbing into her cell phone, we found him.

Mark "Julio" Williams, a bartender at the Chase, said it was a good night for tips and a terrible night for the nation.

"I can't believe that there are just so many people in this country who just don't listen," Williams said, shaking his head between filling champagne flutes for revelers. "We are going to hell in a hand basket."

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Spence: "It is what it is. Now let's celebrate."

It was never so much a victory party as it was a wake. A good wake, mind you. The kind with lots of drinks and a few hearty laughs. Still, the hint of death permeated the hotel ballroom at Dave Spence's watch party last night.

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A pair of Akin fans at last night's watch party.

In retrospect, the outcome of the evening should have been clear around 8:40, just after FOX2 News (KTVI) announced that Claire McCaskill had a commanding sixteen percent lead over Todd Akin with four percent of precincts reporting.

Read more about Todd Akin on Daily RFT:

• The "legitimate rape" comment that started it all


• A tribute in bacon


• His very own Riverfront Times cover, the greatest tribute of all!

A few Akin supporters at the candidate's election watch party at the Doubletree Hotel in Chesterfield appeared concerned. But just after the early returns flashed across the bottom of the screen for the second time, a young woman began circulating through the crowd with an armful of Akin for Senate t-shirts.

"Would you like one?" she asked. "Sorry, we only have sizes small and extra-large."

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Once upon a time, Missouri was the bellwether of the Presidential elections. You could always count on us to pick the winner. Remember 2008 when Barack Obama rallied beneath the Arch and even John McCain paid a few visits here? Oh, those glorious days. But then, by just .1 percent of the popular vote, we gave our eleven precious electoral votes to McCain, who ultimately lost. And, just like that, we lost our precious bellwether status. (And also one electoral vote.)

Now, this year, every pollster has predicted we'll give them to Mitt Romney. It's like our red-ness is a foregone conclusion. Which means that even though we still get a shit-ton of campaign ads every time we dare to turn on the TV, they're only from locals. The whole Presidential thing has just passed us by.

Maybe it's just like those Rules ladies and our grandma said: If you're a sure thing, nobody's going to want to buy you dinner.

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