Dan Zettwoch

​Just prior to press time for our print edition, Unreal emerged from a 36-hour caffeine bender, having determined the results of our 2011 News Challenge. We're pleased to report that we are only slightly the worse for wear, a salutary condition we attribute to our Robert Bristow daybed and carefully timed breaks for our current favorite winter cocktail, the Old Pal (2 parts rye, 1 part each dry vermouth and Campari; stir over ice, strain and garnish with lemon twist). Oh, yeah, the results.

Nine RFT readers who clearly have too much time on their hands scored 93 percent or above. All of them are men, which says something disturbing. About men, we mean, not about Unreal. After much tallying and retallying, the latter of which required a fresh cocktail shaker of Old Pals, we can confidently if a tad slurringly declare a first-place tie between Bob Ell and Chad Martens, both of whom scored a 98. Gentlemen, expect to hear from Unreal just as soon as we reckon it's time to return to a full upright position.

The rest of you can compare your responses to our handy, dandy Scantron of correct answers below.
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​Stan Kroenke was perhaps so preoccupied with trying to buy another sports team that he neglected to read all the fine print on the St. Louis Rams paperwork. It was recently announced that the Rams would play one home game per season in London for the next three seasons, because Stan wants to show off his newest toy in front of one of his older toys.

The St. Louis Convention and Visitors Commission feels compelled to point out that legally, that may not be possible.
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​Suppurating asshole Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church plan to bring their piquant blend of ignorance, religious hate and general dicketry to Clayton High School for a 30-minute protest on Monday, February 6, according to this batshit-crazy flier posted on his website.

The group plans to picket from 7:50 to 8:20 a.m. because -- hold on while I jam my head up my ass so as to properly quote from the press release -- "We will give your children the chance to see what truth looks like, the face of what they were entitled to have from every adult that ever touched their lives! You brutish teachers and hateful parents have broken the moral compass of this generation, teaching rebellion with everything you say and do."

Christ, what an asshole.

What did CHS do to receive such an honor?
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​Representative Paul Wieland (R-Imperial) filed a bill in the Missouri House today that would regulate the use of "automated traffic enforcement systems," better known by most drivers as "those damn red light cameras."

Spurred in part by a suspected computer glitch that sent collection letters to thousands of Arnold citizens who had already paid their fines, Rep. Wieland introduced HB1528, "The Intersection Safety Act," with an eye towards establishing some regulations on how infractions are reported and how fines are collected and used. You might recall that Wieland issued a much more pointed bill concerning red light cameras back in February of 2011; HB406 would have banned the use of red light cameras completely.

"if we are going to have automated traffic devices in this state, repeat offenders should lose the privilege to drive, the devices should be regulated and fair to all drivers, the fines should benefit our schools, and finally citizens who pay these fines should not be harassed," Wieland said in his official statement.

Read on for the five provisions of the bill.
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Image via

Seriously, wtf was up at the former Boggs firm?

​Statistically, it's pretty rare for a 39-year-old to die of cardiac arrest.

That's the first unusual aspect of the death of Wade J. Thomas, a Kansas City-based attorney who passed away on New Year's Day.

The second: He used to work for the law firm Boggs, Boggs & Bates, which....well, there's kind of a pattern.

Consider the bizarre things that have happened to people who've worked at the firm:

December 2006: Ernie Brasier, age 57, is found dead at his desk. At first, it looked like a heart attack. Then the coroner found that tiny bullet hole behind his left ear. No one was ever charged in that murder.

September 2007: Daniel Bennett, age 48, is found dead in his apartment. Autopsy shows the cause was heart disease. According to the Post-Dispatch:

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Show-Me Cannabis Regulation activists plan to canvass the intersection of Main and Monroe streets tonight at 9:30 p.m. as a peaceful protest against two of its volunteers being cited by St. Charles police for "soliciting without a permit" shortly after midnight this past Saturday.

Show-Me Cannabis Reform's John Payne.

​According to John Payne, Show-Me Cannabis Regulation's Saint Louis Regional Director, the two volunteers were soliciting nothing -- they were actually asking people to sign their petition for the legalization and subsequent government regulation of cannabis in Missouri. "The right to petition our government is the most fundamental right we possess as Americans and is part of the foundation of republican government. These citations will not deter us from exercising that right," Payne stated in the group's press release.

Show-Me Cannabis petitioners are a common sight in the RFT's neighborhood, but I'd yet to encounter them after midnight. Curious about the reason for the late-night run-in, I reached out to Payne for more information concerning the incident.
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It's been a long time coming, but the Avalon Theater is finally being demolished.The Post-Dispatch's Marlon A. Walker reported last night that heavy machinery is on site, and that part of the structure has already been brought down.

The Avalon's interior in 2007.

​The once beautiful movie palace has been closed since 1999 and began rotting soon after, as owner Greg Tsevis let the property decay while waiting for someone to pay him a milllion dollars for it, despite the interior being full of filthy mattresses and heavy mildew. Riverfront Times reporter Keegan Hamilton untangled the story of Tsevis' ownership back in 2007, with a follow-up in 2009 when the city filed suit against Tsevis for the state of his property, which paved the way for the building's eventual destruction.

​Attention, high school students: You have to read the book now.

Tonight at midnight, Wikipedia shuts down for 24 hours to protest both House Bill 3261, more commonly known as the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA), and its related bill in the Senate, the PROTECT IP ACT (PIPA).

SOPA and PIPA have raised the hackles of Tweeters and Tumblrs and Lolcat artisans since they were first promulgated. SOPA's purpose is to stop the online dissemination of copyrighted material, but its methods strike the online community as too far-reaching. It allows a copyright holder (or the U.S. Department of Justice) to pursue legal recourse against a website that's using copyrighted material without permission, up to and including barring the offending website from appearing in search engines or doing business with online advertising networks and payment services, and prison time for users who rack up ten offenses in six months.

In short, if you use an image you don't own to make your next I Can Has Cheezburger?, you can has big trouble.
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​The good news? The St. Louis online community is alive and well. The bad news? There's so much great content out there, it's extremely difficult to come up with a list of the best of the best. But, hey, this is the Internet. People love them some lists. We'd hate to disappoint. More >>

​Dearest readers,
We're out filming our hilarious (and touchingly sweet) New Year's festivities with beautiful, famous people. Back at ya on January 3rd!

Kisses,
Daily RFT