Albert Pujols's farewell letter to St. Louis that ran as a full-page ad in the Post-Dispatch last week inspired anger and tears in equal measure. But, as some readers pointed out, farewell letters to the city are nothing new, though of course few who have left the city have been able to afford full-page newspaper ads. Unreal spent a few hours rummaging through various archives and found these bits of ephemera:

Garry Templeton, the Cardinals' switch-hitting, All-Star shortstop, was a man of few words. In a late-August game back in 1981, he responded to some hometown hecklers with an obscene gesture. The Cards traded him to the San Diego Padres at the end of the season for a light-hitting SS named Ozzie something.

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Don't let this happen to you.

​Sometimes a long run, walk or bike ride can get downright stressful. You feel great. Your muscles are warm and humming along, lungs are pink and healthy, endorphins are pumping and then it happens: Nature calls, urgently.

Now, some folks may set their routes around the eventuality of really, really needing a portable convenience at some point. Unreal certainly plans long runs with a rough map of the closest city park and its outhouses in mind.

But in the winter, the Porta-Johns in Unreal's neighborhood park, Tower Grove Park, get stored. The horror! Running weather is back and we need those!

Mandy Walsh, the recreation coordinator at Tower Grove Park, says that the portable restrooms will be back in action in April, when the playing fields open for business again.

Can't hold it that long? Walsh says the old covered stations will be available the second weekend in March. So keep the faith, dear runners: Nice private peeing sessions will again be yours in just two weeks.

The word for "snow" in Tajik is "barf." "Yellow snow" is "zard barf." There is a brand of laundry detergent called Barf, available for purchase across Central Asia and in parts of Europe.

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We learned this fun fact from some former Peace Corps volunteers who served in Uzbekistan, a land where Unreal yearns to travel. (Unreal will accept any donations from loyal readers who want to help us achieve this dream.)

We were saving this fun fact for a snow day, and also we were reminded of it this morning as we watched our dog squat down and relieve herself in the backyard. It also seems a fitting memorial for Sargent Shriver, founder of the Peace Corps, who died this week but who would no doubt be thrilled to learn what his agency has contributed to human understanding.

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View is better up here.

​So the city is booting out the homeless from "Hopeville," a makeshift encampment underneath Tucker Boulevard. What to do? Well, consider this:

The St. Louis Business Journal just reported that the Hyatt Regency St. Louis at the Arch is running a promotion this summer: from May 23 to August 31, they'll be offering five rooms for a buck each.

Unreal wonders: Does anybody else see a solution here?

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​Unreal has only ten more days to decide whether or not we'll audition for the St. Louis Rams Cheerleaders squad for the 2010-2011 season.

Oh, the pressure!

As if the demands of doing aerial spread-eagles before a panel of discerning judges wasn't stressful enough, we've just learned that no "colored hose" or thongs will be allowed.

And, they want us to pay to try out!

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Doesn't seem like many blacks drive Priuses. But at least 500 of them do give a rat's ass about global warming.

​You know it's an election year when your inbox contains not one but two press releases entitled, "New poll re: climate change, MO-based African Amer. attitudes."

Yes sir-ee, the Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies, "a national research and public policy institution that focuses on the concerns of African Americans and other people of color," polled 500 black Missouri voters to see what they think about global warming.

And apparently, it's a hot topic.

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Which porn-star-cum-sex-guru is this? (Hint: Click on her!)

​St. Louis statistically outranks every other metro area in the U.S.of.A. (except Richmond) when it comes to which STD?  a) HIV  b) chlamydia  c) herpes  d) gonorrhea

Which stripper name did animal keepers give the Saint Louis Zoo elephant that can't quit its herpes infection?  a) Amber  b) Sparkle  c) Peaches  d) Jade

Which Missouri state legislators maybe doesn't get enough sex?  a) Cynthia Davis b) Cynthia Davis  c) Cynthia Davis  d) All of the above

Oops, sorry, just boning up on some local trivia now that we know St. Louis finally has a sex trivia night!

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Sounds like TerryTGPCoyote wants Gal's head on a platter.

​Upon reading in a local newspaper that a coyote had been putzing about Tower Grove Park, not scaring anybody at all, and like, being really, really nice, Unreal did what any normal punk would do: friended it on Facebook.

Said coyote describes herself on the 'book as a "female" named "Gal" -- and already has 593 fans. The vain little beast is actually asking peeps to write on her wall. And telling everybody what a "tech-savvy" community she inhabits.  

But according to another coyote, the wi-fi in Tower Grove is "absolute shit."  Oh, yes. Jackal smackdown!

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Paramount Pictures

If you get this gig, this could be you, free and happy and on the loose in the airport. Except you probably won't look like Clooney.

​Unreal loves to think of ourself as a cheap bastard. The concept of Groupons makes our heart sing. A company offers a gift certificate at a discounted price, say, $25 worth of sushi for $10, and if enough people join in, the deal is on.

This morning, however, our heart burst into the Hallalujah Chorus: Groupon is offering one lucky individual the opportunity to live off Groupons for an entire year!

True, the deal is contingent upon that individual giving up everything -- job, home, bank account, credit cards, pets, cherished possessions, even clothes (they'll give you a suit made of Groupons to get started) -- to wander our fair nation financed only by an unlimited number of Groupons. It's like being a postmodernist hobo!

If you do this and you succeed, they will get $100,000. In cash, not in Groupons.

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​Saturday's the big Mardi Gras drinking-fest in Soulard. You'll find the streets packed with people who want to find a house party, and house parties full of people who'd rather be in the streets. There's also the big parade (parade-float riders, keep your shirt on!) that rolls down Broadway. Party tents will dot the landscape and creeps will be out with video cameras. Despite controversy surrounding Mardi Gras Inc.'s questionable business practices, many still consider it a big mess in the best way possible.

In short, there's a lot to see on Saturday in Soulard. Which is why after five years (these originally appeared in our February 3, 2005 issue), it's good to bust out these Mardi Gras bingo cards by Dan Zettwoch of usscatastrophe.com. Surely you know how to play bingo.

Print these six cards out (maybe Friday afternoon after your boss hits the exit), stick them in your pocket and check them off with your friends on Saturday. For a complete guide to all-things Mardi Gras, check out the Unreal Guide to Soulard Mardi Gras.
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