Throwback of the House: Tokyo Turkey Toss

Todd Ehlers, Wikimedia Commons

My sense of humor never developed past the age of twelve. Beavis and Butthead will always crack me up. Bodily functions? Hilarious. Cheap innuendo? My favorite. Which is why I cackle every time I come across the 1974 copy of Better Homes and Gardens: The Meat Stretcher Cookbook in my collection.

Heh. I said "meat."

So much giggling to be had in a book about meat stretching. But the killer? The Tokyo Turkey Toss. Because, oh my God, it could either be a euphemism for an unlikely sex act, à la the Dirty Sanchez, or it could involve vomiting.

I'm not sure which scenario I find more humorous.

Robin Wheeler

Toss -- snort -- cooked turkey with cooked rice, shredded carrots, celery, green pepper and a can of bean sprouts. Make a dressing of soy sauce, French dressing and mayo. Because nothing says "Japanese cuisine" like a condiment with Dale Earnhardt Jr. on the label.

Robin Wheeler

Toss -- giggle -- the dressing with the turkey mixture.

This is about as genuinely Japanese as the massage techniques employed at Asian "spas" found along interstate highways. It's quick and bland, but for some, it's satisfying.

Robin Wheeler

I'm not a fan of canned vegetables, but I really don't get canned bean sprouts. They make me think of tapeworms, which I only find mildly hilarious. I think the French dressing's supposed to mimic sweet-and-sour sauce. Also not Japanese, especially when it's watered down with mayo. Do they even have turkeys in Japan? Not many. Tokyo Spam Toss would be more authentic.

Robin Wheeler

My husband enjoyed the Tokyo Turkey Toss, which makes me question our decade of marriage. How would he feel if I declared that I enjoy a good Sausage-Corn Bake? Or that I want to sample some Frenchy Beef Salad. He'd probably divorce my ass if I even mentioned having a hankering for some Saucy Salmon Loaf.

It's like the people at Better Homes and Gardens couldn't decide if they were writing a budget-conscious cookbook or a kitchen companion to Deep Throat.

Heh. I said "deep".

Robin Wheeler writes the blog Poppy Mom. After years of making and eating fancy food, Robin is sick of it all. She's returning to the basics: recipes that haven't surfaced in three decades. She reports on the results for Gut Check every Tuesday.