15 Musts for a Perfect Dive Bar Thanksgiving

On Thanksgiving Day, the bars will be open. Maybe not the dance clubs, "ultra lounges" or country club-type places, but most every corner bar will be open, and we've all been in one of those. But maybe not on Thanksgiving. However, if you've ever found yourself driving or walking by one on Turkey Day, you might have noticed that nearly all of them offer a bitchin' Thanksgiving meal.

Before you feel sorry for the people who spend their Thanksgiving in a dive bar, remember that you'll be spending it with your in-laws. Who's the sorry one now?

Totino's: Perfect for the One-Person Party You'll be Having.
Reportedly the best-selling "economy frozen pizza" in the U-S-of-A, Totino's pizzas take about two beers (in beer time) to cook and provide a boost of energy to prepare you for the rail gin-and-tonic you'll be ordering after you hit "Ignore" on your cell phone when you see an incoming call from a family member. G'head, have another square of Totino's. More notes: Must be cooked in a toaster oven, just like in a bar. Real ovens and pilot lights don't mix when family angst and cheap alcohol are involved.

It's got a rep as a beer for people who want to be cool by drinking uncool beer, thus making the beer cool, but PBR is, for the most part, a cheap, easy-drinking brew. Despite the hordes or rockabilly dudes and proletarian-for-a-day types who swill this stuff, it goes quite well with your...


Bikini Butterball Turkey!
Place a few hunks of this bird between two slices of untoasted white bread, add some mayo, and you have a recipe for the most Caucasian sandwich in history. It's the top-selling turkey brand in the USA and has been for more than 40 years. Just remember to call the Turkey Talk-Line if you have questions. (How to make a perfectly trashy turkey like the one above.) Also not to be ignored is the Turkey Roll: "A combination of all natural ground turkey and 32 percent less fat than regular ground beef."

Sexy Darts
Like karaoke, a good game of darts is a nice way to get up and move around between drinking and eating in a place where everybody knows your name. If they're sexy darts, complete with speaker holes around a blonde's sternum, you might be playing a one-of-a-kind machine, a full multimedia experience. If you're a woman playing sexy darts and you find yourself in Alton, Illinois, be careful about what is asked of you next.

Wonderbread (Untoasted)
The key here is to leave the preservative-laden Wonderbread untoasted, so it retains the characteristic gumminess, getting stuck on the roof of your mouth. Luckily, you're in a dive bar so the antidote is all around you. If you're recreating the dive bar Thanksgiving experience in the comfort of your own home, make sure to splash (just a splash) a little Budweiser inside the sandwich bag for authenticity.

Canned Cranberry Sauce
The canned cranberry sauce acts as a time-measuring device. No one actually eats it, but the more it leans, the longer you've been in said bar. Watch it carefully. Or eat the entire glob on a dare. Up to you. Either way, this is essential to your perfect dive bar Thanksgiving for that reason. It's also the set-up for a variety of jokes and light-hearted comparisons to people in the room. On a related note, the canned cranberry sauce glob can serve a similar function at the more family-oriented Thanksgiving feasts.

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