The Over the Shoulder Wine/Coffee/Lo Mein/Beer/Wheatgrass Holder
This week the foodernet was abuzz about the ultimate wine rack, the Wine Rack. That's right: a bra that holds 25 ounces of every girl's favorite beverage, wine! With a polyurethane panel built into the bra cups and a drinking tube snaked from the one on the right, it's a a convenient way for a girl to raise one while giving the girls a raise. The wine-filled panel boosts boobs two cup sizes.
Granted, those boobs will shrink as you drink, but after suckling the equivalent of four standard glasses of wine through a plastic tube, you won't care.
This comes just weeks after Gut Check brought you the rice-growing bra from Japan. Which makes us wonder, what culinary uses for brassières might we have missed?
1. Self-Warming Portable Coffee Mugs Not every occasion calls for a pint and a half of wine. For instance, the morning after drinking an entire bra. That's when you need a hot wake-up. And as the Playtex corporation has been reminding TV viewers all summer, bras generate so much heat that desperate big-chested women are often forced to throw themselves into freezers and ask their girlfriends to fan their bosoms.
In the name of energy conservation, put that heat to use! Pour your morning vat of coffee into the Wine Rack's poly pouch, add some nipple petals made with the stuff inside Thermoses to prevent third-degree burns and voilà! Hangover relief to go.
2. Farmers Market Carry-All The pencil test is a must for all women. You know: You stick a pencil under a breast, and if it doesn't fall out you need a bra. Unless you're younger than 22, have never given birth, have spent some time with a scalpel in a very tender area or all of the above, there's a good chance you're going to flunk.
The good news is, if you can hold pencils under your boobs, you can carry all sorts of useful things in there! Like carrots. Or summer squash. Zucchini. Ears of corn. Heirloom tomatoes.
Your personal produce carrier will make those summer trips to the farmers' market so much more pleasant, freeing you from the burden of juggling pints of delicate berries with oblong produce. Just cram it under a tit! On a hot day your veggies will be steamed -- and salted! -- in time for dinner.
3. Chinese Carryout Containers The more well-endowed female members at Gut Check International HQ attest that it's damn near impossible to be bigger than a B-cup and eat with chopsticks without dropping one-quarter of a meal down one's shirt. Or maybe the well-endowed female members at Gut Check International HQ are just klutzes.
Whatever the cause, a whole wokload of lo mien and sauced vegetables have disappeared inside bras. The good news: At least there's no Hunan black bean sauce stain on the front of your shirt. The bad news? Wasted food and the dilemma of how to delicately remove kung pao peanuts without looking like you're noodling for catfish.
Turn that bra into carryout containers! (Bras lined with wax coating to prevent grease leakage.) Only available in underwire. How else would you carry it to the fridge?
4. Cleavage Koozie Not all girls are into wine. Rumors have swirled lately that despite the frat-boy nature of beer advertising, gasp, women sometimes enjoy beer.
While the Wine Rack and its coffee counterpart could work for beer, neither would provide the opportunity to show off the fine art of craft beer labels. How else can you brag that, yes, you're a woman with the balls to enjoy a Lagunitas Maximus Double IPA and the boobs to hold it?
Cleavage Koozie! Made of transparent insulated material that probably hasn't been invented or is only available to NASA, this curvy koozie snuggles into the cleavage, simultaneously showing off the label and keeping the beer cool and allowing the user to keep her hands free for the wild gesturing required to convey just how royally corporate beer sucks.
5. Wheatgrass Camisole For the health-conscious, earthy woman who might not otherwise wear a bra, this cami reveals a tasteful modicum of coverage without giving in to patriarchal norms regarding undergarments. A dirt-filled shelf inside provides garden space for wheatgrass, so you're never without that healthful, lawny goodness regardless of what coffeehouse you frequent.
Bonus: The weeds double as lacy trim, perfect when paired with a smart blazer on those days when you're expected in court on charges of trespassing the nearest confined feedlot and freeing the cattle.
And there you have it! Boobs. Is there nothing they can't do?