Just Say No to...Nutmeg

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​Hot on the heels of this week's recall of Whole Foods-labeled nutmeg over salmonella fears, a TV station in New Hampshire reports that some wise-acre kids in Oklahoma are Beavising it up by smoking nutmeg, posting videos of it on YouTube, vomiting and discussing how awesome it is.

The newsfolk at WMUR-TV present a pragmatic take on the issue. "Certainly they will get the hallucinations that they're looking for, but the side effects, particularly the upset stomach and vomiting, prevents them from wanting to do it again. In fact, I've never heard of anyone trying it who wants to try it again," says some guy who is never identified but seems to know what he's talking about.

Another unnamed source, an Oklahoma law-enforcement official, likewise kicks in a sound sound bite. "What we want to stress to parents is, if you've got a kid who's looking to nutmeg or some of these other products to get a high, you probably already have a kid who's getting high. He's simply looking for a legal and easier way to do it."

Over at CNN Headline News, however, it's panic! In the spice aisle!

Parent alert! And yelling! Nutmeg's probably in your kitchen right now!

Since we can't "ban TV cooking shows or stop baking," what are Concerned Parents to do? CNN, thank God, has rounded up a pair of experts: a contestant from the third season of Top Chef who has kids, and a drug interventionist.

The interventionist offers a, "Wow! Kids these days!" and talks about the "horrible" side effects (which sound similar to a mild case of the flu).

"But now we've gotta watch the spice cabinet! What is that all about?!"

Enter chef Brian Malarkey, who quite possibly has the best name for such a story and who, despite the fact that his kids are far too young to reach the spice rack, much less raid it, did his research. "In Malcolm X's [autobiography], he talks about in prisons back in the day, people used to grind up nutmeg and mix it with water," B-Mal reports.

He also suggests that having family dinners will prevent the nutmeg problem, although he neglects to explain how that might work.

But Oh My God! It's eggnog season! Nutmeg is everywhere! It's all over the eggnog!



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