Girl Scout Cookies Make Us Want to Puke -- Episode 2: Caramel deLites (a.k.a. Samoas)

Categories: Fun Facts

caramel_deLites.jpg
​It's Girl Scout Cookie season, and Gut Check is celebrating by taking a more-than-cursory glance at this annual sugar and saturated-fat bacchanalia and, well, kinda throwing up in our mouth.

In our first episode, we decried the non-nutritive abominations known as Peanut Butter Patties, or as they were formerly known and still are in some regions of this great land, Tagalongs.

Today we move on to Caramel deLites, which we'll tell you right now contain nothing remotely resembling caramel and are anything but deLiteful. They once were known as Samoas (and still are in some markets), a name that is doubtless intended to evoke the image of a tropical paradise, owing to the presence of coconut (or some facsimile thereof). Ooooh, how exotic! Or, now, Caramel deLites -- whatevs.

The concept here, for those who to this point haven't managed to focus clearly, is to direct attention to this simple but sad fact: Girl Scout Cookies, which are marketed by adults toward children to sell to other children (via their proxies, a.k.a. Mom and Dad), are, when you get right down to it, lumps of artificial glop, blended together, baked and then packaged so as to appear to be edible.

Let's have a look at the label that adorns a box of Caramel deLites -- quickly, because Gut Check's gorge is already a-risin':

Caramel_deLites1.jpg
​Um, excuse us for a minute as we re-read the ingredient list from the Peanut Butter Patties we threw up here the other day...brb...

Yeah, OK, of course the ingredients lists are nearly identical. A cookie is a cookie is a cookie, and maybe these particular two varieties share more in common than some other randomly selected pairs of Girl Scout Cookies. But you gotta admit it's kinda barf-inducing when you look at these two substances simultaneously...

tagalong_samoa.jpg

...and consider that what differentiates them is the presence of peanuts and corn syrup solids (Patties) versus corn syrup, coconut, sweetened condensed milk, sorbitol, dextrose, whey and glycerine (deLites). And yeah, we'll concede that one Girl Scout Cookie's "natural and artificial flavor" (Patties) can't be blithely assumed to be another's "natural and artificial flavors" (deLites).

But we'll also point out that mixing red #40 lake, yellow #5 lake, blue #1 lake and blue #2 lake clearly creates...brown.

not-a-chimp.jpg
Oxford University Press
​Some, like the dude on the right (the bald one on the bottom, we mean; not the handsome fella on top), have argued pretty persuasively that the old saw about humans and chimpanzees sharing 99 percent of of one another's genetic makeup is, like, really misleading. Fine. Gut Check's gonna go out on a limb here and posit that the similarities between our two Girl Scout Cookies here do not create an analogous instance.

Except maybe in the sense that if you handed a kid a Peanut Butter Pattie and a Caramel deLite, the little sucker would almost certainly eat both of them, and if you performed the same experiment with a chimp, the result would, 99 percent of the time, be identical.

One parting thought: corn syrup, sweetened condensed milk, sorbitol, dextrose, whey and glycerine -- doesn't that just scream caramel?

If you haven't already, see Episode 1: Peanut Butter Patties (a.k.a. Tagalongs)

Note: If you'd like to suggest which Girl Scout Cookie Gut Check vomits up next, by all means use the comments thread. We're here to hurl.


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14 comments
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Bryan
Bryan

I eat neither..only my peppermint patties frozen..yummy...

Kxjeff10
Kxjeff10

Finkel, I am proud to see that you where not practically held at gun point for this box of cookies. I feel you are simply pointing out what we already know, that cookies may not be the healthiest snack around. Here's a fun fact that you may not know, the girl scouts sell more Thin Mints in February and March than the amount of Oreo's sold all year long (check it out).

Tom_Finkel
Tom_Finkel

Jeff, the Thin Mints stat is an eyebrow raiser, but I believe it.

But I'm not really pointing out that cookies aren't healthy. Some cookies, while not what you'd call healthy, are made with ingredients that aren't multiple steps removed from something one would encounter in its natural state.

Samoa4Life
Samoa4Life

Dude, Finkel. You're missing the mark here. Tagalongs? I'd opt for skin tags, thanks. Thin Mints? Neither thin-making nor particularly minty. But Samoas? That's one food I'd opt for if stranded on a desert island--and not simply for its tropical paradisiacal name. Somoas are delicious, and all your sniffing about corn-syrup this, sorbitol that, and shared ingredients galore ain't gonna change that fact.

Also, you make the girl scouts' adult minders out to be either less or more insidious than they actually are. Girl Scout Cookies aren't primarily marketed by adults for proxy sales between children. They are marketed primarily to the hapless, childless, guilt-ridden, and cornered co-workers of girl scouts' parents.

Tom_Finkel
Tom_Finkel

Sam, I totally agree. With the part about the marketing by adults, anyway. I'll have to address that more thoroughly. Which means picking another cookie and throwing up again.

I think I'm also gonna have to look into Samoas vs. deLites, etc. I don't suppose you'd want to send me a box of Samoas so as to make it a thorough comparison.

We've all got our vices; at least if the two of us were desert island bound, we wouldn't be all up in each other's shit about who gets the Samoas and who gets the...I'll take the gin. Plymouth, preferably.

Samoa4Life
Samoa4Life

Bro, are you trying to tell me you've been slamming Samoas without having actually tasted them? That must go against some sort of Girl Scout oath, or something.

Cursory googling tells me that Samoas and DeLites get their 140 cals from the same ingredients--though from different bakeries which use slightly different proportions. (Also, GSCs are kosher. Who knew?)

This guy-- Shahid, 3rd answer from the top--seems to have made a fairly thorough study of the issue: http://answers.yahoo.com/quest....

Otherwise, the main difference is that DeLites are disappointingly hexagonal, whereas Samoas remain pleasingly round.

Sadly, I can't supply you with a box Samoas (can't you expense this sort of thing?), but even if I could, I wouldn't advise it: As any Girl Scout worth her sash will tell you, you shouldn't accept cookies from strangers.

I'm with you on the gin, though.

Matthew
Matthew

The differences are mainly financial.  Actually, each girl scout cookie regional office decides which bakery to go with.  Over a year ago I created a map showing which areas of the country use which bakery:  Girl Scount Cookie Geography

Tom_Finkel
Tom_Finkel

No, I'm not saying that. I've eaten Samoas. But here in St. Louis, where I live, we no longer get Samoas. We get Caramel deLites. So an apples-to-apples comparison would require a box o' Samoas and a box o' deLites.

And a bottle of gin.

IanFroeb
IanFroeb

YOU WILL PRY MY LAST BOX OF SAMOAS OUT OF MY COLD, DEAD HANDS, FINKEL.

Ejbahn
Ejbahn

I love samoas, in fact they are my favorite out of all the Girl Scout cookies. They are nothing at like the peanut butter patties that look bad and taste even worse. I don't care what's in them and enjoy them once a year when the GS sit outside local businesses. Why rant about something that brings joy to so many people (and money to a well deserving organization) every year?

Seven
Seven

I find it hypocritical to speak to ill of girl scout cookies, when you endorsed Pi Pizza. Don't get me wrong I absolutely love Pi Pizza, but if you're going to be honest about it, their pizzas cheese and oil filled heart attacks waiting to happen. Get real Finkel.

Tom_Finkel
Tom_Finkel

Sorry to have just gotten to this, 7, but when did I "endorse" Pi Pizza? Also, regardless of what I personally think of Pi's pies, I'm pretty sure they're made from ingredients that are readily recognizable as food. Cheese and oil do not heart attacks make.

seven
seven

If i could write to you in the words of a girl scout, it would sound like this . . . Dear Gut Check Finkel: Cheese has a lot of saturated fat. Saturated fat causes heart attacks. Oil has a lot of saturated fat. Pi Pizza does not use healthy oil. It has a lot of saturated fat. Saturated fat causes heart attacks. Love, the Girl Scouts.

Shalloola
Shalloola

well... i love samoas...frozen. and i eat them only on occasion. never over indulge. cracks me up that this series is starting to sound like it's written by a pro-anna website director.

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