Can't Score a Bottle of BrewDog's Royal Wedding Boner Beer? Try a Crazy King George!

​All this royal wedding talk is enough to drive Gut Check to drink. Well, nearly anything is enough to drive Gut Check to drink. Usually all it takes is something along the lines of, "Hey, want a drink?" Sometimes a mere grunt'll do.

At any rate, if beer's your thing, you won't be able to lift a pint at the wedding. Prince William and Kate decided it was declassé to serve beer. No Boddington's for these newlyweds and their friends; it'll be exclusively wine (including bubbly).

Which is a shame, because they're missing the opportunity to serve the latest BrewDog creation. From the same Scottish craft brewery that brought us Sink the Bismarck!, an India Pale Ale that's 32 percent alcohol, we now have Royal Virility Performance.

This IPA contains a host of aphrodisiacs, including chocolate, horny goat weed and enough "herbal Viagra" to (purportedly) equal one-third of a little blue pill per bottle. Just enough to give drinkers thoughts of Future Princess Kate wearing nothing but a fluffy little hat. Or Big Willie and his, um...what were we talking about? Certainly not about grabbing Prince Charles by those ears.

BrewDog's selling 1,000 bottles of RVP via its website and promising to donate all the proceeds from to Centrepoint, a British organization that helps homeless youths (and counts the royal couple among its supporters).

But what if you can't get your hands on the boner beer? There's cocktails! Read on!

The folks at have a page of royal wedding-inspired cocktails, including the Little Princess (equal parts light rum and sweet vermouth), Queen Elizabeth Wine (Benedictine, lemon juice and dry vermouth), and the Royal Romance (gin, Grand Marnier, grenadine and passionfruit syrup).

To which we say, eh.

How about these libations instead?

Bloody Queen Mary Booth's London Dry Gin topped with three splashes of bloody mary mix. Drink until you feel the desire to burn royal wedding dissenters at the stake.

Crazy King George Soak a spotted dick in one can each of Lemon-Lime and Orange Blend Four Loko until you lose your shit but cure your scurvy.

Amusing Queen Victoria A pint of that 32 percent India Pale Ale laced with a depth charge of Pimm's No. 1 will ruffle the ol' crinoline.

Henry VIII's Beheader Consume tots of British Royal Navy Imperial Rum until Church and Country bend to your will, just to get you off their backs.

God Save the Queen Dig those old cans of Hofmeister out of the cellar. Serve warm and flat, float a Johnny Rotten-style loogie on top.

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