The Grease Police Blotter: A Round-Up of Recent Food Crimes

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Do not cross. Not even if there's food on the other side.

Someone learned nothing from the guy who tried to steal ribs by shoving them down his pants. That special someone is Nathan Mark Hardy, who attempted to fill his cargo shorts with pork loin, two bags of frozen shrimp and a pair of live lobsters at a D'Iberville, Mississippi, Winn-Dixie. He tried to thwart his pursuers by throwing the pork at them, but landed in jail anyway.

A bit to the east in St. Petersburg, Florida, 22-year-old Josephine Rebecca Smith was arrested for attacking Milton Ellis, 69, on the porch of an abandoned Hooters restaurant.

Oh, but it gets better. Ellis met Smith at a Shell station and invited her to the old Hooters to chat. He eventually fell asleep in his motorized wheelchair and was awakened by Smith chomping on him.

That's right: She's a vampire. Or so she says.

In even bloodier news, police in Ogden, Utah, are trying to figure out what to do with a local resident who butchered a cow in his driveway. They're pretty sure that's illegal; they're just not quite sure how. He might be cited for unlawful use of a weapon if it can be proven that he shot the cow in his driveway.

A few older food crimes are getting their day in court -- or fifteen minutes of national infamy.

Former Walgreens employee Josefina Hernandez of San Francisco is suing the company. They fired her in 2008, claiming she stole a $1.39 bag of chips to combat a bout of hypoglycemia. Hernandez, who'd worked for the company for eighteen years with no disciplinary record, says she paid for the chips as soon as she was able to do so. She's suing on the grounds that Walgreens didn't accommodate her insulin-related disability. (Although, we've got to wonder why she went for the chips instead of the pharmacist.)

A Georgia mother of autistic twins has gone to the media regarding a beat-down she suffered at a Marietta McDonald's. Jennifer Schwenker took her eight-year-old autistic twin sons to McDonald's, along with their service dog. Off-duty manager Tiffany Denise Allen took offense to the presence of the dog, claiming dogs are only allowed for blind people. The situation became more and more heated until Allen followed Schwenker and her kids to their car, punching the mother in the face.

Allen has been fired, and charges are pending.