Battle Lame Halloween Treats: Angie's Kettle Corn vs. Snyder's Mini Pretzels
For years now, parents have been freaking out about the Obesity Crisis, pulling bread from the very mouths of their children and causing them to become anorexic by the age of six. They have castrated Ronald McDonald, taken a piss on Happy Meal toys, and banned soda and chips from some school vending machines. Now, they have set their sights on Halloween -- the one thing, besides the amusement park, that a little kid used to be able to look forward to. (Please don't take Halloween away from Gut Check...um...we mean the children!)
Their accomplices: Angie's Kettle Corn and Snyder's Pretzels. Both companies have decided that the perfect treats to grace the bottom of a faded pillow case are mini-sized versions of their everyday fare.
So how can a child find satisfaction in these relatively healthful substances on the night of All Hallow's Eve? We're not saying we'd recommend either over, say, a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, but if you have to give into the obesity fear-mongerers and choose one of these snacks, which would it be?
Your trustworthy Gut Check correspondent is here. And we're taking this all-important question to Fight Club Sandwich.
First up, on the left side of the ring, we have Angie's Kettle Corn. Advertised as the "perfect balance of sweetness and salt," she carries just seven grams of sugar (nonexistent to most human taste buds). The gluten-free, illegitimate child of a natural ingredient combo dating from the start of the millennium, her authenticity is said to keep her separate from her competitors. She's mean. She's nut-free. She's not thirteen.
Photo by Ashley Atkins The dryness of my crunch will lull your kids to sleep!
Photo by Ashley Atkins Um...I don't even know why I am here. I hate Halloween.
And to our right, we have the fat-free Snyder's Mini Pretzels, carrying an unforgivable gram of the sweet stuff. Who needs Halloween when we have a treat that is used for the German festivals "Brezelfest" or "Pretzel Sunday," when the pretzel is used for religious celebration? We may be dealing with the "second coming" in sourdough.(Where is the chocolate? Where is the peanut butter? Screw it! We want Reese's Pieces. Where the hell is Wonka?) Sorry...that's what happens when Gut Check is sugar deprived. Back on track. While each item provides the boring nutrition that's expected on a commercial flights these days, they hardly get our taste buds salivating.
That said, by default, Gut Check is going to have to give this battle to Angie's Kettle Corn. After all, at least little Billy can take his pathetic bag of kettle corn over to Susan's house and smother it in caramel sauce.
Don't have a friend named Susan? Then you can always claim a food allergy. The antidote: chocolate!