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A Rant Against Pumpkin

Categories: Gobble Gobble
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To celebrate Thanksgiving, Gut Check has been running a series of posts celebrating our pumpkin-flavored treats. To which I say: Bah, humbug.

The primary function of a pumpkin should be decoration, either as a Halloween jack-o'-lantern or as the centerpiece of a gourd-centric autumnal table setting.

As far as a foodstuff, pumpkin has exactly three (3) acceptable uses:

1. Pepitas or a similar roasted or fried preparation of the seeds. Pepitas are excellent precisely because they are not full-fledged pumpkins, aspiring pumpkins or even fetal pumpkins, but sort of embryonic pumpkins, crunchy little morsels of possible pumpkin-ness that it's our duty to destroy by means of snacking before they can reach their full pumpkin potential.

2. Pumpkin pie is overrated both as a dessert in general and as a member of the pie subgroup of desserts. Indeed, the spiced, sugared flavor of pumpkin pie is largely to blame for the current inundation of treacly, insipid pumpkin-flavored treats.  However, I feel unusually nostalgic and warm-hearted around this time every year, so pumpkin pie gets a pass.

3. Canned, unadulterated pumpkin helps soothe your dog's tummy when she has the runs.

Everything else -- pumpkin muffins, pumpkin cupcakes, pumpkin lattes (especially pumpkin lattes) -- tastes like a sachet of potpourri dosed with high fructose corn syrup. The flavor is as subtle as pumpkin-shaped mellowcreme candies.

You know why you love your favorite pumpkin treat? Because it tastes NOTHING like actual pumpkin, the blandest member of the squash family, a thing that, like John Boehner, is remarkable only because it is orange. If your pumpkin treat did taste like pumpkin, you would choke down the first bite or sip and then throw the thing in the trash.

Where it belongs.

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9 comments
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Thegreatpumkpkin2333
Thegreatpumkpkin2333

 I ordered some pumpkin wine for thanksgiving, just to be festive, I don't have high hopes on the taste front

Aakahink
Aakahink

You sound like just another glass half full pessimist. If people don't like pumpkin muffins they don't buy them. In a land such as America we still love tradition and choices not decided by the government or European culture. Stop and think what or who you can encourage. Negative comments are contagious

Andrew Veety
Andrew Veety

Bravo. However, you forgot pumpkin beer. It is, in my opinion, the fruit cake of the the beer world. It shows up once a year, is kinda boozy and does not taste very good. 

IanFroeb
IanFroeb

I can't believe I forgot pumpkin beer. It, too, is terrible.

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