9 Great Wines for Butt-Chugging

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Alexander "Xander" Broughton, Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity brother at the University of Tennessee, says he wasn't butt-chugging the cheap boxed wine that sent him to the hospital with a blood alcohol level of 0.448. Broughton maintains he was prepping for a Tour de Franzia, a stunt that also involves consuming bad wine, but the right-side-up way.
Gut Check's ears rarely prick up during the TV news. Some stuff, though, gets our attention. Like this ongoing saga out of Knoxville, and, more specifically, the University of Tennessee, whose Dreamsicle-like school colors strike a Proustian chord whenever they catch our eye.

We are hearing more tonight from the student at the center of an alcohol-enema investigation.

And so we learned via a press conference on the UT campus that Pi Kappa Alpha frat bro Alexander "Xander" Broughton insists he did not butt-chug the contents of a box o' wine as has been alleged. (Also, he is not gay.) Xander says he drank his plonk the old-fashioned way, and that the stunt involved was actually the venerable Tour de Franzia, wherein participants drink great quantities of cheap wine and then go ride bikes.

Gut Check is in no position to gauge the veracity of Broughton's assertions. We will, however, note that the wine in question -- the substance that spiked our Pike man's blood alcohol level to 0.448 -- indeed appears to have been Franzia. And we will note further that while Franzia is absolutely the wine to guzzle when you're embarking on a Tour de Franzia, it has no business being chugged by your butt.

No, if butt-chugging is your game, your options should be narrowed to these eight wines:

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9) Fourplay This Sicilian entry makes the cut for its subtle punnery, matched by the nuanced tweak the four-grape blend is liable to apply between your butt cheeks. (For the record, those grapes are frappato nero, nerello cappuccio, nerello mascalese, and nero d'avola.)


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4 comments
Wino
Wino

It's just a matter of time before he fails a drug test and is stripped of his Tour de Franzia title.

Purps
Purps

Really great in-depth professional work here, Tom. But why not ten wines?

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