20 Unholy Recipes: Dishes So Awful We Had to Make Them

After about a year of perusing old-school cookbooks looking for weird recipes and spotting bizarre trends (hot dogs + eggs, inside a Jell-O mold) from the '50s, food blogger Robin Wheeler compiled her twenty most stomach-turning concoctions. (Do not view this list before lunch. Jeez, or maybe after lunch either. Either way, consider yourself warned.)

We've presented those twenty worst below as a warning to enthusiastic cooks out there: Creativity isn't always a good thing, and in relation to high-quality food porn photos, please consider these pictures the equivalent of a snuff film.

Now, on with the countdown!

20. Aspic Entrées: Jellied Bouillon with Frankfurters
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From 1953's 500 Tasty Snacks: Ideas of Entertaining. Read about this dish here.
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The Throwback of the House Grand Finale: A Farewell to Aspic

Two weeks ago, after nearly a year of writing Throwback of the House, I finally got the nerve to feed my friends one of my creations.

Three days later, I got a call from my editor, informing me that it's time to end this madness.

I'm pretty sure this isn't a coincidence.

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Robin Wheeler
In bidding farewell to Throwback, I've brought forth one of the first recipes I found. A dish so bizarre that it must be reserved for a special occasion such as this. A dish so potentially vile that it would make me never, ever want to experiment with old cookbooks again.

I present to you, from 1953's 500 Tasty Snacks: Ideas of Entertaining, Aspic Entrées: Jellied Bouillon with Frankfurters.

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Tags:

aspic, Jell-O

Throwback of the House: Brussels Sprouts, Grapes and Garbages

I don't have horrible childhood memories of overcooked Bird's Eye frozen Brussels sprouts. My family, for reasons I don't know, never had them. My only childhood Brussels sprout memory lives in poetry form.

I was in fifth grade, spending the night with my best friend, and I read a poem tacked to her family's refrigerator, written by her brother, age seven: "I hate Brussels sprouts / Nasty little cabbages / Throw them in the garbages."

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Robin Wheeler
That's some pretty sharp rhyming for a first grader, touching enough to live in my memory for over 25 years. Although the lowly sprout's been redeemed in the culinary world over the past decade, I can't eat one without running those three lines through my mind.

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Throwback of the House: Mexican Bean Dip vs. Erindipity

When my friends get together, we have one rule: Our friend Erin is required to bring corn dip. This dish has no right to be as good as it is: It's Mexicorn, mayo, pickled jalapeños and cheese, baked and served with tortilla chips -- or, better, Fritos.

It's so delicious we've renamed it Erindipity, and we attack it like hogs at the trough.

I keep expecting to find the recipe in one of my old cookbooks since it has all the hallmarks of a great retro party food: canned vegetables, fat, cheese and bubbly, gooey joy. It hasn't happened yet, so I decided to find another recipe that might be as shockingly divine as Erindipity. The 1968 Spin Cookery Blender Cook Book for 10-Speed Push-Button Cyclomatic Osterizer Liquefier-Blender is loaded with creamy dips. Perhaps Mexican Bean Dip can go toe-to-toe with Erindipity.

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Robin Wheeler
In a blender combine a one-pound can of baked beans, cheddar cheese, garlic salt, chili powder, salt, a wee dash of cayenne, vinegar, Worcestershire sauce and liquid smoke. Blend until smooth.

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Throwback of the House: A Crown Fit For a Corn King

Oh, corn. You subsidized, ever-present source of cheap carbohydrates. You've been much maligned in recent years, what with that blabbermouth Michael Pollan and filmmakers poking into your business.

It's gotten so bad that we now need television ads to be reminded of the wonder of your versatility.

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Robin Wheeler
We need to return to a simpler time -- like 1976, when butter made from corn was revered. Or 1977, when Better Homes and Garden honored you in its All-Time Favorite Casserole Recipes book with Frank and Corn Crown.

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Throwback of the House: Beef, Nuts 'n Noodles 'n Dog Fighting

What cures the cold and panic of Snowmageddeon '10 better than anything?

Why, casserole, of course.

In the 1972 edition of Casseroles and More Casseroles, Mettja C. Roate promised 140 pages of casserole love, but by the time I reached page fifteen I realized Roate might not be the master of baked flavor combos.

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Robin Wheeler
For Beef, Nuts 'n Noodles, Roate suggests browning ground beef in butter and then adding canned beef gravy, cream of mushroom soup, sliced green olives, half-and-half and canned mushrooms.

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Throwback of the House: Resolve to Make 2010 Miserable with Soup of Oat Flakes

New year, new beginning, new fad diets. Why should things be any different for the Throwback? Instead of focusing on weight loss via artificial sweeteners and chemicals, I'm going the opposite route with the 1970 edition of Michael Abehsera's Zen Macrobiotic Cooking.

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Robin Wheeler
I debated this one, since I refuse to poke fun at foods simply because they are foreign. There's nothing wrong with ancient Zen cookery. Zen, after all, is a revered way of life (that is, when it's not synonymous with pulling it out of my ass, such as "Zen navigation" or "Zen parenting").

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Throwback of the House: Apricot Salad Ruins Teeth, Christmas

On Christmas Eve, work was the last thing on my mind. My husband, daughter and I were in Sedalia, Missouri, with my parents, bracing for the incoming snowpocalypse and preparing for the next day's food orgy to honor Baby Jesus.

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Robin Wheeler
My mom, Maxine, held a yellowed index card with a hand-written recipe for Apricot Salad. "Yuck," I said. I don't like apricots. "What's in that, besides the obvious?"

"Oh, it's not obvious. Guess."

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Throwback of the House: Let's Have an Eggnog and Wassail Party (and Catch Feral Cats) with Shrimp-Anchovy Sandwiches

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Robin Wheeler
During this week of festivities, who better to consult than Betty Crocker, the grand dame of entertaining? At least, she was the grand dame back in 1960, when Betty Crocker's Party Book was published.

Who else would concoct an Eggnog and Wassail Party?

What the hell is an Eggnog and Wassail Party, anyway? It's the socially acceptable way people self-medicated during the holidays 50 years ago. Since drunk people like to eat fat- and protein-laden foods with flavors they wouldn't dream of touching in a sober state, it's the perfect time to whip up some Shrimp-Anchovy Sandwiches.

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Throwback of the House: New-Look Cocktail Spreads Defy Color Theory, Flavor Combinations

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Robin Wheeler
The more I read, the more certain I am that the people at Good Housekeeping were the smirking girls in high school who'd take a dowdy girl, offer her a make-over, turn her into Whizzo the Clown and laugh at her expense.

"Hey Mitzi. I know how we can really screw things up for poor old Ann Marie. Let's convince her that cheddar's red and that green cheese is visually appealing!"

1967's Perfect Parties isn't the first time Good Housekeeping has tried to ruin our lives. Do I need to remind you of the Ham-Peach Barbecue, Vienna Sausage Shortcake and Summer Cheese Bake? The New-Look Cocktail Spreads, specifically the Red and Green Cheese Balls, are no better.

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