The Drug Cocktails That Might Fuel Five Of Our Favorite Musicians

Categories: Sweet Relief

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Big Boi mugs for the camera.
Did you hear the one about the rapper who got busted for Ecstasy and Viagra? Earlier this week, Outkast rapper Big Boi got pinched for MDMA powder, Ecstasy pills, and an illegal prescription of the little blue pill for his disco stick. Which got us thinking -- what party favors are our favorite musicians popping, snorting, injecting and dripping into their eyeballs? Enjoy these five speculative drug busts while we go burn one.

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Beretta
5. Lady Gaga
All due respect to our Mother Monster, but we bet ol' girl is packing some serious pharmaceuticals. She's mentioned her affinity for cocaine and since she doesn't believe in food, she must need a number of Mother's helpers to get through those physically daunting two hour performances night after night.

  • Human Growth Hormone, for vitality

  • 30 mg Adderall, 90 count bottle for those late night songwriting sessions. It's safe to assume she swapped coke for tad, everyone else did.

  • A vial of Madonna's blood. It's so full of toxins and preservatives, one drop will get you blownnn.

  • 8 grams of Columbian cocaine

  • A vial of Michael Jackson's sperm.

  • 9 ounces of primo Thai weed, flown in weekly on a private jet

  • 5 grams belladonna, or deadly nightshade. Wicked hallucinations, and it means "beautiful lady" in Italian, her mother tongue.

  • 3 bottles Glenfidditch 50 year old whiskey. At $16,000 a bottle, she can certainly afford it.

  • 1 carton Gauloises Blondes


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Avey Tare of Animal Collective.
4. Avey Tare
The maestro behind Animal Collective gets high, no doubt about it. He's probably got a stash to rival Hunter S. Thompson's somewhere in his Brooklyn compound.

  • 2 grams DMT

  • 17 sugar cubes doused with 400 ug (micrograms) of LSD

  • 10 blunts dipped in embalming fluid

  • 86 buttons of mescaline

  • 3 ounces of Ketamine

  • 50 grams of Mexican mushrooms

  • 8 steel canisters of nitrous oxide

  • 30 pack of PBR Light

  • 4 bottles Dextromorphan cough syrup (DXM)


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Jay-Z and Beyonce enjoy some junk food at a Lakers game.
3. Beyonce
Beyonce is perfect. When she's being a bad girl, we're guessing the hardest thing this diva hits is the occasional plate of fried chicken. Even the master provocateurs of the paparazzi can't seem to catch her being anything but classy -- we're guessing there ain't too much contraband to be found in her purse.

  • Neosporin and band-aids, in case Jay-Z gets a boo-boo. 

  • A travel bottle of Bayer so she can save someone having a heart attack


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2. Britney Spears
This zonked out zombie takes a shit ton of pills. Just ask her former bodyguard -- the dude's filing a suit against the pop star, saying Brit Brit took Ritalin, Narcan and methamphetamines in front of him, in addition to being generally unkempt and flashing her Brit bits on multiple occasions.

  • Prozac

  • Effexor

  • Ecstasy, for when the other anti-depressants don't cut it

  • Beano (we hear she has wicked wind problems)

  • Warfarin, a blood thinner. With her Doritos-and-a-Coke diet, her blood is probably thick as mud.

  • Narcan, the opiate reversal agent that counters the effects of drugs like heroin, and other happy members of the opiate family. 

  • Vicodin, a highly addictive opiate, probably prescribed to treat the many injuries she's sustained after years of dancing. 

  • Crack. She is white trash after all. 

  • Crystal meth. We hear it's an appetite suppressant. 

  • Ambien, sleep aid.

  • Seroquel, an anti-psychotic. Her bodyguard also reporter that she exhibits symptoms of multiple personality disorder, demanding at times to be called "Jennifer" or "Queen B."


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1. Conor Oberst
Sad bastard, amazing songwriter. He appears to have kicked the coke habit from his younger days, and now we think he's a purist--a lil Beam (he's down with the people like that), a lil 'dro, and some recreational DMT for inspiration.

  • 6 quarts of whiskey

  • 1 pound of hydroponic Sour Diesel--this potent strain of Sativa is said to help ease chronic depression.

  • 60 milligrams DMT



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1 comments
Rj
Rj

fuck yeah, drugs rule.  I enjoyed this.

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