Facebook IPO Overshadows MySpace Filing

Categories: Fiesta!

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Sure, Facebook filed its S-1 with the SEC yesterday, presaging one of the most talked-about IPOs in tech history -- and for college students, FarmVille users, amateur stalkers, and anybody who likes to talk to people they know, Facebook's performance on the open market will offer an interesting perspective on the monetary value of their social bonds. But what about people who were in high school in 2004 and then left the Internet forever, and glitter-art designers and bar bands?

For those groups -- our core demographic -- RFT Music has obtained a copy of MySpace's announcement of its stock market intentions, which has been lost in the furor over Facebook.

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Starr* ~Darkeyez~
Chief Financial Officer, MySpace
Letter from Tom from MySpace

MySpace was not originally created to be a company. It was built to accomplish a social mission -- to let you judge bands who your friends liked, and then judge your friends for liking those bands, and then tell them you liked those bands too but secretly, to your top friends, be all, "I can't believe that's still his profile song, we're basically adults."

We think it's important that everyone who invests in MySpace understands what this mission means to us, how we make decisions and why we do the things we do, and also how to make their very own Zwinky that looks like them, and also the girl from Paramore, and you're best friends in the Zwinky. I will try to outline our approach in this letter.

We hope to allow ninth graders to post their demo covers of Stain'd songs

We believe that the bands you start in high school because you just thought of a great name for a band, and your dad has a guitar, you think, are not nearly permanent enough. By giving people the power to share their demos, including the version of "Kryptonite" where their drummer is almost doing that thing in "Kryptonite" that's so great, no youthful indiscretion will be lost to history when you forget to Google your name frequently enough.

We hope to make it easier for bar bands to send you tenuously grammatical bulletins about their show later on, and how their old drummer is a dick

We believe that life is all about the connections we make, especially the connections you don't intend to make until your friend takes you to see this awesome band whose lead singer she has a crush on on account of his Firebird.

By helping people solidify ephemeral connections, we hope to make it simpler for you to hear that local sludge metal band's new single, which they'd love to play except the Barrelhead only wants them to play their Beatles covers, as you read in their last bulletin, "nO cOVER 4/18 dARRELL IS A dick!!!!!!." Offline your relationship ended when they left the stage; on MySpace we hope you'll be there for when the rhythm guitarist autoposts a vaguely homophobic image macro about freedom to all his friends' profiles.

We hope that after some years you forget about all those love letters you wrote on your MySpace blog, so that they stay online forever

We believe that you've done altogether too good a job rebuilding your online identity in the wake of your embarrassing series of MySpace blogs directed at that girl you had a crush on, especially the ones where you told her to "listen to the song on my profile, because it really is all about how I feel" and the ones where you talked about how terrible the screamo her stupid boyfriend liked was.

By fading rapidly into irrelevance soon after you got Facebook, we hope that you never remember to delete those blog entries, until the time comes when your wife, who didn't know you in high school, gets a little curious.


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2 comments
Dasch24
Dasch24

How drunk were you when you wrote this garbage...This is easily one of the dumbest articles I actually began to read.  I coundn't even finish it. 

Endless Dan Moore
Endless Dan Moore

I only make zwinkies sober. When I get drunk I write long articles on the postcolonial psychology of the contemporary author. 

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