Crotching Whiskey at the Justin Bieber Concert and Getting Thrown Out: A Review

Categories: Last Night

bieber-concert-review-photos.jpg
Jon Gitchoff
Can you feel the magic? Can you grab ahold of it and never let go?
Justin Bieber was genetically engineered in a secret government laboratory to be the Ultimate Teen Heartthrob. Millions of dollars are spent every year to ensure that the Earth's population worships the Bieb; the number of powerful men in suits whose job it is to ensure that "Operation: Hot Bieber" is successful likely rivals the suited army of even the President. In fact, according to Klout (a San Francisco company that tracks social media statistics) JB's online influence is greater than that of Mr. Obama or even the Dalai Lama. In short, last night's concert at the Scottrade Center was a well-attended, pretty big deal.

See also:
-The Top Ten Ways to Piss Off Your Bartender at a Music Venue
-The 15 Most Ridiculous Band Promo Photos Ever

Dutifully, I volunteered to cover the show. I didn't belong, I'm not a fan, and I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, but when the Prince of Pre-Pubescent Pop makes an appearance in one's land, one had best take heed. Aiding me on my quest was my associate, one Kenny Snarzyk, the long-haired / mustachioed front man of local doom metal band Fister.

Kenny arrived at my house at about 5 p.m. with a fifth of Old Overholt Whiskey and two pint-sized, newly-purchased flasks -- plastic ones, as he was moderately concerned about metal detectors. We found a clean funnel and divvied up our evening's only salvation as we strategized our attack. We were discussing the overabundance of children that we would be surrounded by at the show when Kenny (who is a father himself) succinctly summed up the concerns of every parent who would be in the building: "I like kids, you know?" Kenny said. "But I look like this."

bieber-photos-concert-1.jpg
The authors. Baby-sitting availability upon request. Slideshow: Justin Bieber at the Scottrade Center

Bieber traffic slowed our approach; teen girls screaming in their cars ("OHMIGOD THERE'S A LIMO!!!! OHMIGOD OHMIGOD OHMIGOD!!!!!) were audible before the Scottrade Center was even in sight. Throngs of hysterical Beliebers walked the streets, generally flanked by their watchful parents. The typical group archetype consisted of four to six individuals: One over-protective Mom, two to four hyperventilating female tweens, and one miserable, angry Dad. We parked the car and headed through the sea of people to the entrance.

Now, I've been a white dude for about as long as I can remember, so I'm not going to pretend that I have any deep understanding of what it is to be discriminated against in this way, but I'd imagine that our approach and attempt to enter the building is about as close as I'll ever come to experiencing the type of profiling that has been known to occur in airports all around the country in our post-9/11 world. Essentially, we were two dudes in turbans with fuses sticking out of our shoes and every single Dad in the place was an on-edge airport security official. I can't remember the last time I was so blatantly, unblinkingly stared at. I cannot over-emphasize how clearly we did not belong here.

Getting inside was a nightmare, but Kenny effectively parted the exceptionally densely-packed crowd like the Red Sea by charging ahead and repeating, "I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding!" over and over again as parents clasped their children close to get them out of the way. I walked with my arms raised over my head and hands visible to all, terrified that one of these many watchful angry Dads would misconstrue my attendance / shoulder to shoulder proximity to their children to be something creepy. It occurred to me that the glazed-over look in my eyes and smell of whiskey on my breath certainly weren't helping my case.

After fighting our way to the box office (Bieber was not issuing press passes for this tour, so we had to buy our own) we learned that the show was sold out of any tickets below the $85 mark. We fought our way back outside and haggled with some scalpers for a while, eventually purchasing nosebleed seats at $45 a pop. Tickets in hand and anticipation in our hearts, we crotched our flasks and made our way into the building.


Location Info

Venue

Map

Scottrade Center

1401 Clark Ave., St. Louis, MO

Category: General

My Voice Nation Help
133 comments
evilletexas56
evilletexas56

All's fair when a performer making the money he is and will in perpetuity can't even provide reviewers with comp tickets & a back stage pass. That's a first for me. He thinks he's better than Jimmy Page, Billy Gibbons, Brian Wilson, Dylan and every blues musician etc etc. I can forgive the lip syncing if he's dancing up a storm - i'm not huge Madonna fan, but the girl could dance and I can forgive lip-synching in such situations. And self-promoting commercials? Cheesy. Beyond cheesy. And just ' is you've got your name listed on a song, with songwriters credits, does not mean you wrote any of it - and you can be sure he's getting extra points for performing the same songs on those albums. There was a time when girls acted that way to music that was disliked originally by older people and called Pop (my best friend's older brother did not consider the Beatles to be real until Revolver), but I don't put him in the same class with the the Fab Four, Frank Sinatra, Elvis or the original Bing Crosby. I can't imagine he's going to stand the test of time. Heck, the Spice Girls had more class when we saw them in the late 90s - and they could dance!

Joan Reeves
Joan Reeves

Sometimes that kinda stupid for just a little while is all it takes to piss away a good thing.

Rachel Roach
Rachel Roach

Ya Jesse...a freaking round, juicy, bright pink peach..so young and fresh.

Jorge Rodriguez Rodriguez Ruxin
Jorge Rodriguez Rodriguez Ruxin

Should have chucked it at the canucks head and it stick in a spot where it'd have made him expire...you'd be a national hero.

Riverfront Times
Riverfront Times

No I meant us. The ones who snuck whiskey into his concert and got kicked out and wrote about it. I am sure you are a peach.

Jesse Plan
Jesse Plan

Actually, no. I have been well behaved my entire life. Maybe YOU acted this way, but myself and MANY others did not.

lizzlek
lizzlek

This is absolutely the best thing I've read on the internet. You two are heroes for the sacrifice you've made for the sake of journalism. Hats off to you!

Chris G. Carron
Chris G. Carron

You are true heroes for daring to go, when the rest of us only shake our heads and sneer.

Chris G. Carron
Chris G. Carron

This is the best piece of journalism I've read in months.

Jen West
Jen West

"...a trap door opened in the stage and spewed out Bieber like a turd golem from the depths of Earth's inner core." Bravo. This was well worth four minutes of my life.

Kenny_Snarzyk
Kenny_Snarzyk

base212assm wanted to review this concert, but found it next to impossible since he was legally obligated to stay at least 300 yards away from the event.

Farty McSmell
Farty McSmell

"Unfortunately, Biebs doesn't have the power to incinerate everything he looks at like Cyclops from the X-Men, so we had to continue living through the show for a little while longer."

Matt Madden
Matt Madden

Troll of the lowest order. Clearly has lots of really important things going on in their life

Kristin Pedigo
Kristin Pedigo

That was exhausting. What a delusional creep. Incidentally, he sounds like a dude I used to date. Total creep.

Robert Winkelmann
Robert Winkelmann

Justin Bieber is just like every pop artist before and after...they are found by a record label, given songs written by other people, their voices are processed in a studio to make them sound good then a team of people makes a ton of fake hype for them and at the age most fans listen to pop music they are easily swayed into believing this is some super talented person when they are as fake as a three dollar bill. But because they believe he is the 'in' thing they have to follow him too. Why do you think 13 - 18 is the most desired demographic for this type of music?

Ben Williams
Ben Williams

Woah. Whatever he is, he is creeping me out.

Robin Gray
Robin Gray

He should be watched by the authorities (if they aren't already doing so)...

RedRyderBBgun
RedRyderBBgun

Someone's got a schoolgirl fetish...

 

Keiko - Naked In School, Wednesday March 15, 2006 - 7,100 words

Keiko - Naked in School, Wednesday of (M,T,W,R,F,WE) by base212assm Copyright 2002 - all rights reversed. I awoke with Amy draped across me. The linen covering us last night was gone. Amy's body had kept me warm all night. I didn't want to move. I felt completely confused. I wanted Victor. I wanted Victor in the worse way. · "OkayKeiko. Give me a grocery list, and I'll get the food on my way home." Amy opened a notebook and I wrote down all the things I would need for a special recipe my mother had taught me. Before Victor climbed out of the van at his entrance, he turned to thank Mrs. Cartwright for the ride. He promised to walk me to Spanish class. ·

By: base212assm

By: base212assm

By: base212assm

By: base212assm

By: base212assm

By: base212assm

By: base212assm

By: base212assm

By: base212assm

 

chrishansen
chrishansen

Kenny and Daniel:  Heroes 

 

base212assm:  Probably has a 16 year old girl chained to a pipe in his basement

notafan
notafan

This review is kind of pointless.  We get it, you hate Justin Bieber.  I remember a review of a Kesha show a few years back where it kind of seemed like the reviewer wasn't a fan, but he or she still was able to give a thoughtful review. 

 

I am far from a Justin Bieber fan, but I read the review because I imagined the concert might have been interesting in some way.  I kind of wanted to know from afar what kind of spectacle a Justin Bieber concert actually looks like.

 

All I got from the review is "Justin Bieber is a stupid teen pop star," which everyone already knows.  You wasted far too many words stating this point over and over.

 

If you're going to review teen pop music, you should review it for what it is, not as some hipster outsider who is too good for it

jwsmith85
jwsmith85

@Matt Madden Looks like Matt here has Beiber Fever. Sucks to be you

dunnoWhat
dunnoWhat

@Robert Winkelmann I do not too much about "the Bieb" but isn't it said that he writes the majority, if not all, of his music?

JamesMadison
JamesMadison topcommenter

 @sgt.bathsalts , thanks for declaring it. It'll no longer be considered an accident, but rather premeditated. That's a felony, and a long prison term for you. Bring it on, internet hero.

nickmadden1
nickmadden1

 @RedRyderBBgun He's mad that Dan found a way to get drunk around 12 year olds and not get arrested or banned from being within 300 feet of a elementary school

JamesMadison
JamesMadison topcommenter

 @chrishansen , nice to pass judgment on others without a lick of facts. Make up your own. Same thing, right? And you consider yourself open-minded?  How you went from free-spirited exhibitionism to bondage is a warped imagination on your part. Should we be checking your basement?

JamesMadison
JamesMadison topcommenter

 @nickmadden1  @RedRyderBBgun , yep, fictional writings are the same as real life. Congratulations on not seeing any difference. One series out of hundreds of stories does not make a fetish. Glad more and more people are reading those stories written years ago. Keep searching, and you'll find more erotica.

notafan
notafan

 @Daniel_Hill  @notafan 

 

I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I kind of enjoyed the review and thought it was funny.  It just seemed like there were too many cheap shots that didn't really prove anything (Yes, 13 year old girls and the pop stars they like are mostly silly and always will be.  That will always be true, so there is no need to state the obvious.)

 

All I'm saying is, at least attempt to review something you don't like in a way that doesn't come across as completely condescending. If the entire staff has such a hard time finding someone to review something because everyone hates it so much, don't review it at all. 

 

It's like critiquing Barney because it's trite and corny.  Yes, it is those things.  But it's made for children to enjoy, not for grown men to shit on.

 

Granted, this is all coming from someone who took the time to read a review of a Justin Bieber concert in the first place.  Like I said in my original post, I kind of just wanted to know from afar what goes on at these sort of things.  I guess I got most of what I asked for.

notafan
notafan

You seem like a good guy, and I extend to you a "fair enough" in response to the one you gave me. 

Daniel_Hill
Daniel_Hill

 @notafan fair enough. and also i will add that if you search this website there is a decidedly more "earnest" review from his appearance in 2010 that you may be interested in, fyi. wither way thanks for reading

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

St. Louis Event Tickets
Loading...