The Top Ten Douchiest Guitar Players of All Time

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Michael Angelo Batio

By Nate Jackson
Hey, we can all appreciate a quality guitar god. Anyone who considers themselves a fan of music knows the joy of watching their favorite axeman/woman go on a tear and destroy the crowd with their fast-fingered prowess, signature style and lush mane of flowing hair. It's the textbook rock & roll sexy factor that has been selling concert tickets, signature guitars and posters for decades.

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But when you're a world-class guitar player and you know it, there's a fine line between sexy and, well, douchey. You know, that rocker who poses on his knees for just a little too long, gives us just a little too much "O" face during every solo and is hellbent to show us all how many guitars he/she can play at once. History (namely the '80s) is full of these guys, but Douchey Guitar Player Disease (a.k.a. DGPD) is still a scourge on the music industry today. With that in mind, we'd like to present our list of the Top Ten Douchiest Guitar Players of All Time.



10. John Mayer
 If there's one current artist who revolutionized the art of the sour-lemon face while playing even the simplest of riffs, it's our boy John Mayer. Despite his destiny to supply us with music suitable for dentists' offices and local pharmacies the world over, dude is an undeniably accomplished jazz shredder. But for the love of God, when your face alone is able to upstage your playing (and B.B. King, who is sitting right next to him in this clip), it's time to settle the fuck down. Check the tape at 6:20: Did he just come in his pants?



9. Yngwie Malmsteen

This guy was the most technically accomplished guitarist to come out of the '80s. Period. He also gave us the runs. No, not those runs. We mean the lightning-fast, neo-classical wankery that had this guy thinking he was the second coming of Bach, only with guyliner and better hair. While Sweden has turned out its share of douchey metal madmen in tight leather pants, that guy is arguably the most extreme caricature of the Euro guitar god.




8. Esteban
 If you've ever come home drunk at 2 a.m. and stared at infomercials for a half hour, chances are you've seen this guy. Your first thought: "Who is that mysterious man in black, and how did he learn to play guitar like that?" Turns out that dashing axeman in the bolero hat and shades is none other than Esteban, lord of the Spanish guitar, who is about as overly suave and mystical as they come. So suave he doesn't even need a last name. Aside from the overwhelming cheese factor in each of his videos, there's the fact that a white guy from Pittsburgh (real name: Stephen Paul) would commandeer a Spanish name and go parading around like a wannabe Zorro. Fail.


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80 comments
Steve Mincer
Steve Mincer

guitar music is not what the shoegazers at the rft like.

Joshua Edwards
Joshua Edwards

hah, there are a lot of Santana fans commenting. who knew?

Jason Smith
Jason Smith

So not Douchey!!! Really!!...dislike u fags

Norm Manis
Norm Manis

I agree. Carlos Santana is a guitar legend. This guy is the douchebag! Hate to see his music library. Go get some class loser.

Kevin McAlister
Kevin McAlister

Will go see Santana and leave when rod Stewart takes the stage.

Eric Holley
Eric Holley

Who the fuck is RFT to call anyone douchie when 3/4ths of their writers couldnt write a story if their life depended on it

Colin O'Mara
Colin O'Mara

Continuously dogging on people may be funny to some and that is sad. I use to love reading the RFT blogs and articles but it seems like they are just bored and out to piss people off. Talk about the good things STL has to offer. Do we really need another group of people talking about what they hate?

Bob Monroe
Bob Monroe

Great list. Some people have no sense of humor. It's not even a matter of whether ^ Brian should write for the RFT, it's just an article. Not the end of the world. But then, I'm not holding a guitar in my picture and couldn't give two shits about any of the people on this. Clearly, you do.

Brian Tyler
Brian Tyler

Some of you guys are taking this post WAY too seriously!!! I thought it was kinda funny.

Steve Scott
Steve Scott

Santana had one of the best performances at the original Woodstock I would say that puts him at legendary status.The biggest douche bags are the elitist hipster writers at RFT.

Sean Wilke
Sean Wilke

This is a list any lazy 9th grade guitarist would create. I just moved to STL, but it's looking like the RFT is in business as a click-baiting content farm.

Bridgette DesChamps
Bridgette DesChamps

Santana a douchy guitarist! The man talks with angels. How dare you.

Tim Reel
Tim Reel

The RFT writers always sound like entitled assholes. Even the headlines come off as pretentious. Its too bad to, because they usually have semi-orginal stories. However, these writers blow, thus leaving me no choice but to unfollow this periodical.

Kevin Prange
Kevin Prange

That's what I thought when I saw the photo.

Tim Smythe
Tim Smythe

WTF. You have obviously never listened to Santana play.

Sade Donovan
Sade Donovan

I've been saying the RFT has been going downhill on there page a lot lately they don't know any thing about the real STL or music anymore sad really...

Kenny Smith
Kenny Smith

In no way could Santana ever be considered a "douche". RFT has really sucked lately. Find something worth writing about.

Pun N. Tended
Pun N. Tended

I think any list that includes "douchy" should always have River Front Times as their number 1. Always full of shit posts, articles, and biased and somewhat racist content constantly.

Chimega
Chimega

Who ever wrote this is most likely a 30 something douche.  Good vids though.

Robin Gray
Robin Gray

The only douche bag is the no talent author of this article! Please hire someone else to write music news!

Colin O'Mara
Colin O'Mara

RFT seems to have nothing good to say lately! Instead of hating on everyone, how about supporting some good local music!

Brian Cave
Brian Cave

The only thing douchey is this page...I regret liking it...delete.

Wayne Light
Wayne Light

Maybe if you were to focus more on creativity and less on YOUR appearance, you could find something worth writing about!

Sade Donovan
Sade Donovan

Wow..Carlos Santana is a guitar god...douchbag really?!.. the only raunchy thing i see..seems to be the writer calling these musicians douches ...

Red Tracy
Red Tracy

Annette Kindell shared Annette Kindell's photo. MY SON IS MISSING FROM NKCMO AREA IF ANY ONE SEES HIM OR THIS MAN JOHNNY COYNE WHO IS POSTING FROM MY SONS FACEBOOK AND ANSWERING MY SONS MESSAGES PLEASE CALL 816-234-5150 THIS MANS FACEBOOK IS https://www.facebook.com/johnny.coyne.33/about PLEASE EVERYONE SHARE THIS POST

groveskbg
groveskbg

Eddie Van Halen is the best Electric Guitar Player of all Time....WTF.

Robin Gray
Robin Gray

The author is obviously pretty lame, probably prefers gangsta rap to real rock n roll...

Steve Mincer
Steve Mincer

and put tom morello from rage against the machine on that list. just for being faux socialist blowhard.

Sean Thompson
Sean Thompson

Whoa, Rick Nielson does not belong here. Dude just really likes his guitars

Gary Donnelly
Gary Donnelly

I think the author of this article may be a little jealous. ....maybe? C'mon man, for the most part, he picked the worlds most influential shredders and great players and basically talked shit in them. To author I say, Stop hiding behind your laptop and do what these guys have done in their lifetime. ...influence multiple generations of guitarists. Something tells me you can't.

Scott McCullough
Scott McCullough

Pretty good except for Rick Nielsen. His multi-neck guitars are clever stage props, but he's the antithesis of all the self-indulgent wankers on your list.

Benjamin A. Snow
Benjamin A. Snow

Why Vai's number 1 but Ywgine or whatever that douchebag Eurotrash is rank low? I'm mad.

Roy Jacobs
Roy Jacobs

I think you picked on some of rocks top guitar players. Many of these players are virtuosos of the guitar, not top 40 pop three chord pop songs. Of course 80s and 90s videos can make anyone look cheesy.

Kenny Wyss
Kenny Wyss

When I saw Malmsteen on the list, I immediately stopped reading. He deserves to be in the top ten best list!

nghtiis
nghtiis

I would have to say the douchiest guitar player that I have ever seen is Zakk Wylde!  Nothing like going to a concert and hearing him play a solo for an ENTIRE 30 minutes! 

Nigel
Nigel

Your incompetence goes to 11...

grahamccollins1
grahamccollins1 topcommenter

Or Ted Nugent for being a christ-stain child molester.

grahamccollins1
grahamccollins1 topcommenter

The term "virtuoso" literally screams douche.

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