The Top Ten Douchiest Guitar Players of All Time

Categories: List-O-Rama

michael angelo batio.jpg
tumblr.com/user coolbeans11
Michael Angelo Batio

By Nate Jackson
Hey, we can all appreciate a quality guitar god. Anyone who considers themselves a fan of music knows the joy of watching their favorite axeman/woman go on a tear and destroy the crowd with their fast-fingered prowess, signature style and lush mane of flowing hair. It's the textbook rock & roll sexy factor that has been selling concert tickets, signature guitars and posters for decades.

See Also:
-Ten Bands You Never Would Have Thought Used to Be Good
-The 15 Most Ridiculous Band Promo Photos Ever

But when you're a world-class guitar player and you know it, there's a fine line between sexy and, well, douchey. You know, that rocker who poses on his knees for just a little too long, gives us just a little too much "O" face during every solo and is hellbent to show us all how many guitars he/she can play at once. History (namely the '80s) is full of these guys, but Douchey Guitar Player Disease (a.k.a. DGPD) is still a scourge on the music industry today. With that in mind, we'd like to present our list of the Top Ten Douchiest Guitar Players of All Time.



10. John Mayer
 If there's one current artist who revolutionized the art of the sour-lemon face while playing even the simplest of riffs, it's our boy John Mayer. Despite his destiny to supply us with music suitable for dentists' offices and local pharmacies the world over, dude is an undeniably accomplished jazz shredder. But for the love of God, when your face alone is able to upstage your playing (and B.B. King, who is sitting right next to him in this clip), it's time to settle the fuck down. Check the tape at 6:20: Did he just come in his pants?



9. Yngwie Malmsteen

This guy was the most technically accomplished guitarist to come out of the '80s. Period. He also gave us the runs. No, not those runs. We mean the lightning-fast, neo-classical wankery that had this guy thinking he was the second coming of Bach, only with guyliner and better hair. While Sweden has turned out its share of douchey metal madmen in tight leather pants, that guy is arguably the most extreme caricature of the Euro guitar god.




8. Esteban
 If you've ever come home drunk at 2 a.m. and stared at infomercials for a half hour, chances are you've seen this guy. Your first thought: "Who is that mysterious man in black, and how did he learn to play guitar like that?" Turns out that dashing axeman in the bolero hat and shades is none other than Esteban, lord of the Spanish guitar, who is about as overly suave and mystical as they come. So suave he doesn't even need a last name. Aside from the overwhelming cheese factor in each of his videos, there's the fact that a white guy from Pittsburgh (real name: Stephen Paul) would commandeer a Spanish name and go parading around like a wannabe Zorro. Fail.

My Voice Nation Help
44 comments
groveskbg
groveskbg

Eddie Van Halen is the best Electric Guitar Player of all Time....WTF.

Robin Gray
Robin Gray

The author is obviously pretty lame, probably prefers gangsta rap to real rock n roll...

Steve Mincer
Steve Mincer

and put tom morello from rage against the machine on that list. just for being faux socialist blowhard.

Sean Thompson
Sean Thompson

Whoa, Rick Nielson does not belong here. Dude just really likes his guitars

Gary Donnelly
Gary Donnelly

I think the author of this article may be a little jealous. ....maybe? C'mon man, for the most part, he picked the worlds most influential shredders and great players and basically talked shit in them. To author I say, Stop hiding behind your laptop and do what these guys have done in their lifetime. ...influence multiple generations of guitarists. Something tells me you can't.

Scott McCullough
Scott McCullough

Pretty good except for Rick Nielsen. His multi-neck guitars are clever stage props, but he's the antithesis of all the self-indulgent wankers on your list.

Benjamin A. Snow
Benjamin A. Snow

Why Vai's number 1 but Ywgine or whatever that douchebag Eurotrash is rank low? I'm mad.

Roy Jacobs
Roy Jacobs

I think you picked on some of rocks top guitar players. Many of these players are virtuosos of the guitar, not top 40 pop three chord pop songs. Of course 80s and 90s videos can make anyone look cheesy.

Kenny Wyss
Kenny Wyss

When I saw Malmsteen on the list, I immediately stopped reading. He deserves to be in the top ten best list!

nghtiis
nghtiis

I would have to say the douchiest guitar player that I have ever seen is Zakk Wylde!  Nothing like going to a concert and hearing him play a solo for an ENTIRE 30 minutes! 

Nigel
Nigel

Your incompetence goes to 11...

Jay Smith
Jay Smith

Another RFT elitist top 10 list to stir the pot instead of trying their hand at actual journalism. Yawn.

Rachel Roach
Rachel Roach

Ya, the list is a little...I dont know off? I mean there are sooooo many other guitar players that are waayyyyy "douchier" than this list, Wes Borland is actually a pretty good guitar player, not to mention he was the only member that tried really hard to make that crappy group NOT to go down the shitter, Fred screwed that all up, and Fred actually kicked him out of the group at one time because of his costumes and face paint...who cares if he does that??? He was the only member that NEVER sold out, as for the rest of the list, with the exception of probably 2....was wrong, totally bad choices.

Steve Mincer
Steve Mincer

the rick nielson makes those "joke" guitars for show. not because he's trying to show off as a player. http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=rick+nielson+guitar&qs=n&form=QBIR&pq=rick+nielson+guitar&sc=0-0&sp=-1&sk=#view=detail&id=54FE6DDB8A4E9298F1E9C8F8F5A440004FF9E91A&selectedIndex=11

Erica Kelly
Erica Kelly

I'm not a John Mayer fan, but he is a great guitar player.

plywoodsucks
plywoodsucks

This is focused entirely too much on shredders. They didn't even mention any of the REALLY douchey guitarists that really deserve to be on this list. James Hetfield, Dave Mustaine, Kerry King, Varg Vikernes. Seriously, how do you leave Varg off this list? He stabbed his friend and bandmate 34 times! All over some contract bullshit!

Wil Grundon
Wil Grundon

Any solo guitarist or any guitarist that names his band after himself. /list

Eric Rogers
Eric Rogers

Batio is so innocent! I hate his music but I find him endearing.

Niels Jensen
Niels Jensen

None better than 'The Pick of Destiny" dream sequence by Tenacious D.

Steven Jones
Steven Jones

Thats beter the Spinal Taps double neck sitar

Paul Puckett
Paul Puckett

Yea....there is an obvious humorous twist that actaully seems to persperate positivity from even the negative articles...its good stuff, some people out here see that.

RFT Music
RFT Music

Heh, every single other thing we published today is positive, not to mention the print edition that came out today with the Critic's Picks for best shows this week, two (positive) reviews of newly-released local records and a feature story on a life-changing music therapy program at Children's Hospital. But, okay.

Alex Mutrux
Alex Mutrux

Top 10 douchiest local papers of all time? RFT 1 through 10.

Tony Renner
Tony Renner

Too bad there isn't music that you actually like to write about....

Memetic
Memetic

Steve Vai looks like Bill Lumbergh. Just throwing that out there.

Matt Myers
Matt Myers

Holy fuck Steve Vai is wearing eye shadow..

Jay Martin
Jay Martin

Joe Jonas? One of the Hanson brothers? Hell, is Joe Jonas in Hanson?

Josh Scott
Josh Scott

I watched the Batio video in its entirety. That's pretty fucking amazing. Douchey? Perhaps, but homey spent some serious time in mom's basement developing those chops.

Joanna Franke Kleine
Joanna Franke Kleine

If John Mayer would just shut his mouth, he actually is a skillful, beautiful guitar player. :/

mattycoonfield
mattycoonfield

Pretty for sure Rick Nielson was in on the joke...

Paul Puckett
Paul Puckett

Incredible...to say that a dude can play the double opposite necked guitar, but not left handed, is prittay rediculous...and amazing how serious Steve Vai looks, incredible writeup

Mark Bland
Mark Bland

You crapped on Esteban! I'll let you know that NOBODY entertains drunk people via infomercial better at 2:30am with chalupas better than ESTEBAN!

Jeff Hess
Jeff Hess

Replace Nielsen with Stevie Ray Vaughan.

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

Clubs

St. Louis Event Tickets
Loading...