Justin Bieber Downward Spiral Predictions for 2014
Bieber, pre-Anton LaVey tattoo
July 3, 2014: A shirtless Rolling Stone cover shoot reveals Bieber's new chest tattoo: a large portrait of Anton LaVey bordered by a wreath of interlocked pentagrams, serpents and upside-down crosses. Christian fans are vexed.
August 9, 2014: Mixed critical reaction greets a guest verse on an A$AP Rocky mixtape in which Bieber's rap alter ego, Shawty Mane, makes a jarring transition into frequent and unabashed N-bomb deployment.
September 8, 2014: A half-aroused Bieber shows up at the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards wearing only a black tank top and purple Supra high tops. Stammering red carpet interviewers pretend not to notice. Producers scramble to film him only from the waist up.
September 11, 2014: Cell phone footage emerges of Bieber laughingly attempting to arc his pee upward onto a half-staff American flag outside Yankee Stadium. Public outrage follows, even though his whiz stream only barely manages to wing the bottom of it.
October 26, 2014: Troubling video footage on TMZ seems to depict Bieber wearing a Heaven's Gate jumpsuit, "Away Team" armband and clean Nike Decades, snorting a line of Flavor Ade off a bronze bust of L. Ron Hubbard. A confused America is unsure how to respond.
November 7, 2014: Bieber gets a daring new haircut: shaved on the sides, bowl cut parted in the middle, gelled down heavily.
December 31, 2014: Bieber tweets that he'll be enjoying a "quiet night with friends" on New Year's Eve. The wholesomeness is undercut by the attached Instagram selfie of Bieber sharing a styrofoam lean toast with Dzokhar Tsarnaev inside the DC Holocaust Museum.
Thanks to my friend Jeb Lund for joke assistance.