Six Perfect Songs for Getting People to Leave

Categories: Nitpick Six

manowar-640-80.jpg
Press Photo dating back to the Stone Age.
Manowar is excellent for driving wimps and posers out of the hall.
It has happened to me a million times. I walk into a bar with the intention of sitting down for a relaxing beverage, and in between the time that I've paid and my first sip of beer, I realize that some 22-year-old asshole is having a birthday party. And that all they want to hear is Usher, Nelly or the Ying Yang Twins. Or Paul Oakenfold.

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I could get up and waste $5 to hear maybe six songs by the Alan Parsons Project, but there's always a chance that some hick oil-rig worker with a fat wallet will decide to override my playlist with that "Around the World" song by Daft Punk. Instead, I've figured out a way where I don't even have to get up, and I don't even spend more than $1 to clear out a group of assholes.

Nearly all of these online jukeboxes have smartphone apps. You can download them and control the machine from your phone. These jukeboxes, being the money pits that they are, also offer you the ability to play your song next for a small additional fee. So why not take full advantage of this fact and get your money's worth? I present six widely available songs that send bar-crawling imbeciles crawling out of the bar.

6. Manowar, "Achilles, Agony and Ecstasy In Eight Parts"

The Iliad, by Homer, is 704 pages. Manowar, a heavy-metal band that is the musical equivalent to Conan the Barbarian, wrote a song about The Iliad that clocks in at 28 minutes and 38 seconds. And it's a damn good song. Fortunately for you, there are a lot of people out there who sincerely hate and fear metal music. There are total squares out there who think guitar solos sound like fingernails on a chalkboard. When you play this song for those people, wimps and posers will leave the hall.

5. Allman Brothers, "Mountain Jam"

The Allman Brothers Band is known for hits like "Jessica" and "Ramblin' Man." What most people haven't gotten around to learning is that the 1972 album Eat a Peach features the song "Mountain Jam" -- the ultimate elevator music for dusty old freaks.

There's actually a chance your targets won't leave. The Allman Brothers has a pretty distinctive guitar tone that is pretty tolerable. But you'll turn the entire bar into a dopey blues club for a half an hour. Plus, a lot of people listen to jam bands, and those people are all insane. If anyone recognizes this song, you can probably buy drugs from them.

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23 comments
Adam Fry
Adam Fry

Other bands play. Manowar Kills!

Wil Grundon
Wil Grundon

Pink Floyd would definitely backfire in the backwater, dirty-butt, third-string hippie college town I live in. Ugh.

Mike Appelstein
Mike Appelstein

Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music. Or anything off the Merzbox.

Dana Stepp
Dana Stepp

If its a guy...Ill play Allanis Morrisette Jagged little pill cd...works like a charm lol

Brian Bradley
Brian Bradley

Tubthumping, but that could backfire like a mother in the wrong bar.

Lizzy Shake
Lizzy Shake

"Revolution 9" by the Beatles on repeat - or "Closing Time" by Semisonic (which worked well to get the customers out of the coffee shop - nobody wants to hear that song).

Andrew Scott Derby Jr.
Andrew Scott Derby Jr.

Yo listen up here's a story About a little guy that lives in a blue world And all day and all night and everything he sees Is just blue like him inside and outside Blue is his house with a blue little window And a blue corvette And everything is blue for him and himself And everybody around 'cause he ain't got nobody to listen to I'm blue da ba dee da ba die... I have a blue house with a blue window. Blue is the colour of all that I wear. Blue are the streets and all the trees are too. I have a girlfriend and she is so blue. Blue are the people here that walk around, Blue like my corvette, it's standing outside. Blue are the words I say and what I think. Blue are the feelings that live inside me. I'm blue da ba dee da ba die... I have a blue house with a blue window. Blue is the colour of all that I wear. Blue are the streets and all the trees are too. I have a girlfriend and she is so blue. Blue are the people here that walk around, Blue like my corvette, it's standing outside. Blue are the words I say and what I think. Blue are the feelings that live inside me. I'm blue da ba dee da ba die... Inside and outside blue his house With the blue little window And a blue corvette And everything is blue for him and himself And everybody around 'cause he ain't got nobody to listen to I'm blue da ba dee da ba die... I'm blue (da ba dee da ba die)

kopper65
kopper65

It's called GTFO or "Get The Fuck Out" music. It's its own genre! I highly recommend anything by the fucking Eagles. Or the Legendary Stardust Cowboy. Or Lucia Pamela. Or Lee fucking Greenwood. I could go on, but I'll stop now.

Rebecca Jeyes
Rebecca Jeyes

as a devoted fan, i hate to admit it, but when i want to clear the house, i crank up the springsteen. if your friends are under 40, it's pretty much a no-fail.

Scott Brocato
Scott Brocato

Almost anything from the Velvet Underground's "White Light White Heat". I love the album, but I think I Heard Her Call My Name or Sister Ray would definitely clear the average room.

Devin Davis
Devin Davis

You forgot Ween's "Poopship Destroyer"

Dave Stevens
Dave Stevens

Fuck yes I love Mountain Jam by the Allman Brothers

A Robert Jacques
A Robert Jacques

Alice's Restaurant by Arlo Guthrie. It's more of a monologue and at 18 minutes, it takes a certain kind of person to sit thru a playing.

Drew Ailes
Drew Ailes

New list: six bands that are too good to be from america

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