Ten Must-Have Items When Camping with Juggalos
|Nate "Igor" Smith|
There are so many exposed breasts at this thing. In the words of some dingus on a stage during a contest where women dance while being sprayed with soda, "Fuck Mardi Gras, they give you beads. We give you $250 in merch!" So, ladies, if you've ever needed a T-shirt that says, "I'm a Juggalo Not a Gang Member" and haven't been able to dig up that $12, your sweater meats will make up where your wallet is lacking.
4. Cardboard and a Sharpie
Attached to many of the boobs are cardboard signs, but beyond even that, these signs say anything and everything. If you're looking for a friend, make a sign. If you're looking for drugs, make a sign. Or you can do what one post-modern artist did and just write "Cardboard Sign" on a piece of cardboard.
No one accepts cards. Not a single place. Don't even bother. The ATM fees are $5 each transaction as well, so take out a lot of money. Put half in your wallet and half in your sock.
The Gathering is extremely dark everywhere aside from the stage and food areas. To avoid stepping in human feces or on faces, you need some sort of light. Headlamps, glowsticks -- anything. While it'll save you from awkward encounters like stumbling over a tent stake, having a flashlight will also allow you to perform the Scavenger Maneuver: being one of the many people scanning the terrain for unused nitrous oxide canisters and money near the stage after everyone has left the area.
1. Somewhere to Sleep That Isn't a Rented Minivan
Last night I slept on a bunch of empty cans and a bag of beef jerky. I used a 24-ounce can of Budweiser placed under a pillow for proper neck support. I woke up covered in plastic bags, and one of my boots was lying underneath our vehicle.
Find somewhere to sleep that isn't a rented minivan.
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