Ten Must-Have Items When Camping with Juggalos

gotj-wednesday-1.jpg
Nate "Igor" Smith
A juggalo photographed on Wednesday, the first day of the Gathering, 2013.
At some point in your life, you may find yourself sitting in a minivan in rural Illinois, stressed out as you wear a metal butcher-knife pendant around your neck. Your ankles are covered in mysterious goo and all of your beer is warm. It could only mean one thing -- you're at the Gathering of the Juggalos, and you're a moron. Not because you decided to go in the first place, but because you didn't put any thought in it until an hour before you had to leave. Because RFT is a respected publication devoted to helping mankind, here is a list of the ten things you should bring to the Gathering of the Juggalos (and, by extension, some things you shouldn't bring).

To Bring:

10. Stupid Transportation
If you're at the Gathering, chances are your body has been malformed from years of consuming alcohol and fast food. You need a way to get around the huge site other than the boots you salvaged from the thrift store that you thought were a good deal even though there was a hole in the sole. While the Gathering of the Juggalos website states that motorized vehicles are forbidden, no one actually seems to care. Even if you hit a pedestrian. There seem to be golf carts to rent (somewhere), but you may be better off being a shirtless asshole zipping around on a moped or gas-powered dirt bike.

See also:
- The 2013 Gathering of the Juggalos Opens Up (NSFW)

9. Garbage Snacks
The food at the Gathering is priced about how you'd expect at any festival event. You can buy a barely edible cheesesteak from one of the brightly lit trailers staffed by carny families for $8, or you can do the smart thing and pack your own. Your health obviously isn't a concern if you're here, so do the right thing and do your grocery shopping like a seven-year-old with a license to buy beer. Dump a can of tuna fish into a bag of Doritos and weep quietly when you find yourself licking the empty bag later.

8. Cigarettes and Over-the-Counter Drugs
Wandering around with heartburn from eating two pounds of fried chicken on a stick is no fun. Unfortunately, the simple things we take for granted in our medicine cabinets are nowhere to be found at the fest. While there is a vibrant outdoor economy a la "Bartertown" in Mad Max 2, the only place where you can get smokes or something to ease your aching body seems to be found at a small tent stocked with overpriced goods. A pack of cigarettes will set you back $11, and a small thing of baby powder to clear up the confusing, sweaty mess that has become your genitals costs $5.

7. A Watchful Eye
The chubby Pacific Islander with the septum piercing won't stop staring at you. You knocked over the cooler of the sweaty guy whose face looks like a smashed blobfish. Someone in a dark tent is asking you a question about "The Lotus," and you didn't reply with "whoop whoop" right away. The only people working security seem like they were picked up hitchhiking near a prison and given a neon green shirt. Point is, watch your back.

6. Rain Poncho
Have you ever been outside? There is this shit called "rain" that falls out of the sky sometimes. It makes your clothes feel bad for hours and causes your smartphone to malfunction. Guess how many rain ponchos they sell at the festival? Zero. While there's a lot of hustling going on, there was no "Nachos on Ponchos" tent -- an idea I brainstormed earlier about charging people to eat nachos off of your body as you wear nothing but a poncho.


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22 comments
Marc Holst
Marc Holst

I think calling it a taste in music is stretching it, considering I've farted better tunes than ICP.

Rebecca Wagner Smith
Rebecca Wagner Smith

I fear that the many of those women could become victims of sexual assault.

Tori Ramsey
Tori Ramsey

Juggalos are labeled a gang. They weren't saying fuck science, but they were saying to leave science out of it and just appreciate the little things.

Philip Rock
Philip Rock

juggalo's are a labeled cult by the US government, didn't say you were they are, that song was them denouncing science because it actually says "don't give me that shit" in reference to science and yes you are

Tori Ramsey
Tori Ramsey

I'm not in any cult. I'm certainly not Christian. I've never heard them denounce science. I also wasn't arguing.

Mike Vestal
Mike Vestal

Why did does the Rft even cover this...?there is to much good music in the area to give this any publicity...must be the boobs..

Philip Rock
Philip Rock

lol in an interview and in the song they said that was them coming out as christians. and they even state in the song they even denounce science. i'm sorry... mindless. i mean i know there's no point arguing with people in a cult so i'm just gunna end now

Tori Ramsey
Tori Ramsey

And again if you think they were serious when they said that, you have no fucking clue what you're talking about.

Philip Rock
Philip Rock

"magnets how the fuck do those work"? no... i think i've got it

Tori Ramsey
Tori Ramsey

Of you think it's preferred not to have brain cells you obviously have no fucking clue what your talking about....

Tori Ramsey
Tori Ramsey

So you want people to hang themselves because their taste in music is different than yours? Grow up...

Philip Rock
Philip Rock

braincells are not a requirement... in fact it's preferred that you don't have any.

DTDTDT
DTDTDT

Your inability to demonstrate the most basic knowledge of English grammar fails to elevate you above the ICP brethren you detest.

Deklipz
Deklipz

@Philip Rock Um...no. The song doesn't denounce science. The songs actually about the wonder and amazement that people looked at the world with when they were children and how most people have lost that as they became adults. And to be clear, the "US government" does not and has never labeled Juggalos as a cult. The FBI added Juggalos to the national gang registry in 2011 which is distributed to law enforcement agencies around the country. Something which Insane Clown Posse and Psychopathic Records are currently suing the FBI to have changed because while there are a handful of Juggalos that have been involved in gang-like activity, Juggalos as a whole are not and have never been a gang. We are no different than Dead-heads or any other musical fanbase.

Deklipz
Deklipz

@Mike Vestal If you don't want to know about it then why did you click the link? To complain? They cover it because it's a pretty goddamn big festival that draws crowds from around the world and is widely regarded with confusion or hate because, like you, most people don't bother to understand and just complain about things that fall outside of their narrow and limited scope of acceptance.

DTDTDT
DTDTDT

@Deklipz  With all due respect man, the ICP community needs to find language to approach "haters" that's different than stuff along the lines of "you're all close-minded"

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