Ten Things You Do Not Need When Camping With Juggalos
5. Cell Phones
Your cell phone will not work. There is absolutely no reception out here in the land of the shirtless and careless--it is little more than a glorified flashlight here. If you do happen to bring your phone, you will likely lose it. Personally, I passed out in a field the first night we were here and tried to walk away from my phone while it was laying in a pile of mud. Thankfully, an associate was there to remind me it was something that I might want to use again in life, back in reality.
It seems that at every outdoor festival, someone is dragging their helpless canine from one dumb corner to the other. While I don't think dogs can be traumatized by seeing a large shirtless man with a skull painted on his chest staring into the sky and holding a power strip plugged into who-knows-what, they can have their ears blown by the phat beatz and skinny dudes with braided pigtails shouting into megaphones. Even worse, you could be the distraught young man we met who was ejected from the festival after his service dog apparently bit the dog of Insane Clown Posse's Shaggy 2 Dope.
3. Spray Paint, Fireworks, and Glass Bottles
These are the only things you will be screened for by security. And sometimes you will have to wait to be searched because the guards are preoccupied by girls taking their tops off, of course. Save time and leave this stuff at home.
A lot of the food here exists in the state fair format--it's on a stick or eaten with your hands. Also, in the event that you disregarded our earlier warning that "eating food equals pooping in this terrifying space" and brought stuff from home, you can still make a PB&J sandwich using the free butcher's knife pendant you got with admission.
Have we hammered this point home enough, yet? There is a monumental amount of drugs around here. It is akin to being the most attractive person in any room and being offered sex--it seems like every single person around you is propositioning you, and sooner or later, you're going to cave. So unless you're one of the many juggalo entrepreneurs out there, prevent yourself from the Deliverance-style danger of smuggling illicit substances past rural police and just buy everything in sight, on site.
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