Performing at LouFest Pulled Me Out of a Depressive Slump
I talk to Corey Black daily. He's the person that puts the gas in the engine when I'm forming some diabolical plan to apply to the grind. Without these guys I'd probably run into the center of traffic and lay down in the middle of the street. In these types of situations I feel an obligation to honor my manager Jay Stretch and not let him down, but I feel an even stronger obligation to do everything I can to make sure the world gets to bear witness to the music we all have created together as a family.
The picture I just painted for you doesn't sound like I have much room to complain about anything. For some reason I still find myself drastically unsatisfied with my life. Life is about choices and decisions and your ability to summon the strength required to deal with the bullshit. I have the nerve to be worried about my desire to have a rap career when there are children in Syria eating bullets for breakfast. When music is involved I am a very self-centered person. When I think about how ridiculous it is for me to allow myself to be depressed about something as petty as rap music, I feel ashamed.
Like I said before, I have a fairly decent life. I mean I'm backstage at LouFest chilling in the afterparty with Chris Long from the St. Louis Rams and he was unbelievably down to earth, and also a serious music lover. Me and Chris talked for a spell and he revealed during the course of our conversation that he was a huge Kendrick Lamar fan. The first five minutes I was there in the backstage area during our load-in timeframe, a random guy from the Rams front office asked me if I was Tef Poe. I nervously said yes and he replied "a few guys in the locker room told me you are the must-see show of this weekend". This is the type of random beauty my life consists of, and I have the nerve to sit on my soapbox and shed tears about the things I simply have no control over. I have the nerve to grab a shovel and dig myself a premature grave of pity and self doubt.
I'm just not worthy of sympathy on any level. I'm an american male with functioning limbs and plenty of fresh car-polluted tainted-oxygen for me to inhale along with more than enough chemically induced clean water for me to swallow and urinate in at free will. People in Sudan don't have water and need pipelines to be ran underground simply so they can have access to clean water once a day. I, however, sit on the toilet for over fifteen minutes a day while scrolling through my Twitter feed, taking a dump in a small pond of fresh clean water. There's absolutely nothing wrong with the water in my toilet bowl. It's as drinkable as the water in my refrigerator. I just choose to use this water to catch my poop. People in other places on this planet would die for this clean toilet water. The water in my toilet could possibly save their life. I don't care and honestly after I type my final sentence in this blog I'm going to walk into the next room and relieve myself by taking a leak.
This very same arrogance has me thinking that I have the right to be depressed over something as ridiculous as the struggle attached to my desire to be a world-famous rap star. I am a ridiculous being and this is just flat out pathetic. The truth is I know this isn't right, but I have told the Universe several times, I must be allowed to live my life to the fullest extent because once this happens I'll use my powers for the greater good of as many people as possible. My friends are all equally as insane as I am so I'm sure they go through these boxing matches with depression on and off as well. The reality of it all is you can't control the cards you were dealt. Life is a game of Uno; the wild cards and draw fours land wherever they wish. We do have a few cheaters in our society, but on some level you can't be too upset with these people for outsmarting Karma. We all have our own idea of what morality actually means.
I read about the Kansas City reporter/writer that killeded himself a few weeks ago. Everything I read about him seemed to indicate that he had fairly high spirits about his life circumstances. He said he wasn't depressed or mentally insane. He said he wasn't going through any form of financial trouble. It looks like he just found a suitable place to call it quits. He was indeed a bit theatrical with his method of departure from this realm of existence, but I feel like we should honor his bizarre list of wishes since this is all very much documented as the way he wanted to be remembered.
When my insanity kicks in I tell myself I want to be remembered through the music and I haven't made the proper body of music to summarize my life experiences and the many complicated perspectives of my often abnormal worldview. I'm a complex person to deal with. I start arguments with the people closest to me because I have perspective issues. I see the world differently than most and I expect everyone around me to bow down and see it my way. I am truly a egotistical maniac; I am aware of this and yet I refuse to do something about it. This same exact element of my personality is where I gather the energy to keep going and knock down barriers in my career.
Insanity breeds greatness when music and art are involved. I don't desire to live in your safe ass bubble of restricted opinions. I don't hide my real thoughts and intentions from my psyche in hopes that I can fool myself into thinking I am hiding them from God. I refuse to play that game. I am who I am, and as an artist it's my responsibility to embrace these aspects of my personality. I go through the same mess you go through, but my mistakes are broadcast are a big screen TV for you to read about or witness with your own eyes.
I needed this LouFest show this weekend for a lot of reasons. I get so plugged in to the everyday hustle of the music business and the madness attached to it that I forget to slow down and enjoy moments such as this weekend. All of my closest friends will tell you I seldom get excited about anything we accomplish. The truth is I should be happy. I'm a wild pitch of a rapper to be in this position. I talk about politics and racism on the regular and then I turn right around and cut records that are either too difficult for stupid people to understand or too simplistic for smart people to completely enjoy. I throw a ton of confusing signals to the general public, yet I'm embraced by a core group of music lovers that are as crazy as I am. I am a hybrid mix of everything and in a city like St. Louis it's not normal to be embraced by the public to this degree when there is no gimmick attached to your presentation.
Next time I find myself acting like a silver spoon birthed moron I will direct myself to the nearest gallon of bleach and pour myself a glass of it. I have no room to complain about anything, ever. I am blessed; today I didn't wake up in the middle of Lebanon with bombs dropping on my mothers head. I'll probably go to the studio tonight and cut some more records. I don't have to sleep in a studio apartment with an alcoholic family member that beats and rapes me every night. I have good friends and I enjoy what I do for a living. I write words for a living. I write songs, you listen to them, and I often get a check or cash money placed into my hands for performing them. This is a ridiculous notion when you really think about it.