Six Music Acts That Should Have Been Pro Wrestlers

Categories: Nitpick Six

4. Carnivore
"The Meat Eaters"

I know what you're thinking: you wanted to see GWAR on this list, didn't you? Pfft. You wanted pizza rolls, so I give you sushi rolls: Peter Steele from Type O Negative's original band of post-apocalyptic warriors clad in spiked shoulder pads and wielding clubs and axes. There could eventually be a image change and they could show up wearing bloody aprons and carrying butchers knives if you want to go the whole cannibal route.

Finishing Move: "Jack Daniels and Pizza" - Carnivore gives you its signature Brooklyn hospitality, forcing you to drink Jack Daniels and eat pizza as fast as you can for five minutes straight. Then Pete, standing at 6'6" (the height of the beast) punches you in the gut.

3. Stryper
"Some Bumblebee Bullshit"

Stryper is the dumbest looking band in the '80s, which is the equivalent of saying "the worst smelling bus station bathroom in Morocco." I don't want to honor Stryper by devoting time to think of a gimmick for the band, as its members were already so gimmicky on their own, playing Christian hair-metal in bumblebee costumes. They would lose, always.

Finishing Move: They all hold hands around you and emit a loud buzzing noise until you pass out or die or something. Doesn't really matter because they'd lose every match anyway, like the bunch of jobbers that they are.

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1 comments
dddstenzel
dddstenzel

have you ever heard that one episode of Loveline where John popper discusses how, only weeks earlier he had attempted his first try at cunnilingus?  also have you ever seen those episodes of Monday night raw where Jerry Only tries to wrestle?

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