A Minute-By-Minute Rundown of that Ridiculous New TLC Movie
0:10: Malibooyah. TLC (they got C from some backup dancer audition) just signed with Pebbles. They ask her how much they're going to be getting paid. Answer: $25 per week. Pebbles is a true player.
0:17: The group is rehearsing. Pebbles sees Chili making eyes at Dallas Austin, the producer for a whole bunch of hits for the group. She gives a speech about how nobody respects a "loose woman." Three things:
(1) You should never trust a guy who has the same first name as a city. Teen Wolf taught me that shit. A guy named after two cities? That's the fucking Devil right there. Stay away from a guy named Dallas Austin same as you'd stay away from a guy named Hitler Hitler.
(2) Pebbles giving a speech about integrity is like the guy that founded Worldstar Hip-Hop giving a speech on class.
(3) For the record, I would like to say that men have a very specific appreciation for loose women. So just go ahead and you do you, loose women. You are loved.
0:20: Oh snap. Chili and Dallas Austin are kissing. This can only mean...
0:23: Malibooyah. Chili's pregnant. Fuckin' Hitler Hitler, bro. He got his claws (and penis, if we're being literal) in her. And that can only mean...
0:28: Malibooyah malibooyah. Chili's getting an abortion. Heartbreaking. Poor girl. That seems like a daunting road to walk down, particularly on $25 per week.
0:30: When Left Eye and T-Boz see Chili post-abortion, they talk to her and console her and whatnot and then Left Eye assures her, "We're gonna make this one count." WTF. YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE WHAT COUNT, LEFT EYE? Because it sounds a lot like you're saying you're going to make this aborted baby count. This is too much. I already need a break.
0:37: IT'S THE VIDEO FOR "AIN'T TOO PROUD TO BEG"!!! You know, I actually saw TLC perform in San Antonio as a kid. It was one of those summer jam radio show things that happen. Naughty By Nature was there too. And so was the rapper Paperboy, who came onstage with a three-foot-long joint. Oh to be in the sixth grade again.
0:39: They're on a big tour.
0:40: They're getting very famous.
0:42: Pebbles, where's our money?
0:44: T-Boz vs. Sickle Cell. Dudes, T-Boz is a fucking soldier. She's staring sickle cell down like a champ. I took off work once for two days because I sneezed really hard. If I ever have a doctor tell me that I have any sort of real sickness I'm going to just set myself right the fuck on fire then and there.
0:53: Oh shit. Hahahahahahahahaha. TLC sold a million records, they asked Pebbles why they hadn't gotten any money, then Pebbles was like, "Well...but wait, because there's this," and then showed them all Toyotas she had for them. Hahahaha. "Congrats on selling a million albums, girls! Now hop your dumb asses in this Rav4!" Pebbles is the best.
0:57: Pebbles is fired. TLC has had enough. They're still under the same contract though, which I guess they didn't really think about. Firing Pebbles but not talking about the contract seems a lot like realizing your face is on fire and just throwing away all the lighters in your house. Your face is still on fire, bro.
1:03: OH SHIT LEFT EYE JUST BUSTED A BOTTLE OVER SOME DUDE'S HEAD JUST BECAUSE. HOW DID WE GET HERE? I BLINKED AND LEFT EYE IS YOUNG TUPAC.
1:06: And there's Andre Rison. It's not Tommy. :(
1:17: Booyah. Left Eye just burned down Rison's house. FYI: I think that burning down someone's house is definitely an OK thing to do if that person cheats on you. I'm setting all kinds of shit on fire if my wife cheats on me.
1:19: Ay, but for real: Lil Mama is basically perfect as Left Eye. It's really very unbelievable. She did a lot to unravel her everything with that Jay-Z stage thing, but this might bring her back from Permanent Punchline status. Great job. Chicken noodle soup and soda for everyone!
1:21: The "Waterfalls" video. <3
1:23: I kind of wish that Left Eye had spelled her last name as "Lopez" instead of "Lopes" because then Mexicans could have claimed. Can you even imagine a team in the '90s with Selena AND 1/3 of TLC?!?! We'd have won for sure.