A Minute-By-Minute Rundown of that Ridiculous New TLC Movie
1:26: The "Creep" video. <3 <3
1:28: "We're broke." Dang. These fools sold 10 million albums and made $15,000 each. Amazing.
1:29: Ahahahaha. They got a bunch of their girlfriends and went to the record label's office and just started snatching shit off the walls because they wanted their money. That's dope.
T-Boz: So what should we do? Because we should have, like, several million dollars already and the only thing we have are these goddamn Rav4s.
Left Eye: Um...oh! I know. Let's take shit off the walls!
Left Eye was the dopest.
1:32: The girls got themselves a new manager. He's a white dude. And he says he'll get them $50 million in a year. Gotta love a story with a good White Savior angle. All of a sudden this is like Avatar except but with R&B and rap. Love.
1:42: Chili just broke up with Hitler Hitler. Smart. And it only took, like, six years or something for her to figure it out.
1:43: Oh great. Now Left Eye is dating a dude named Larry. Larry will definitely be trouble. I know this because Larry is wearing a muscle shirt and has braids. That's a little thing called foreshadowing, bro. I hope the White Savior can swoop in in time and save poor Left Eye.
1:46: OH MY GOD THE "NO SCRUBS" VIDEO I'LL BE RIGHT BACK I'M ABOUT TO DO ALL THE DANCE MOVES.
1:55: Left Eye wants to record her solo album (with Master P, bro!), which would've prevented her from fulfilling her contractual obligations with TLC. She's like, "I need to do this solo album." She's very adamant about it. It NEEDS to happen. Fuck the group. But then the T and C and the White Savior are like, "Come on..."
They were offered $25 million to do some shows overseas, and Left Eye is like, "Nah, I need to go to Honduras" and then everyone is like, "OK," and then that's it.
1:57: T-Boz is pregnant!
2:05: Left Eye's solo album bombed.
2:11: Cut to Left Eye in Honduras teary-eyed STARING AT A WATERFALL (getting a little ham-fisted here) and then...
2:15: Left Eye is dead. Car crash. Dang. Totally expected. Still sad. Movie over. Video montage of the real group members. Truth: This movie is actually fun and entertaining, though I'm not entirely sure if that's because it's good or because nostalgia is always romantic. Either way, I'm definitely getting a Left Eye tattoo now.
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