Celebrity Clothing Lines Are Terrible: A Study
Celebrity: Singer Jessica Simpson
Clothing Line: Jessica Simpson Collection
Brand promise: "The collection is inspired and designed in collaboration with Jessica Simpson. The products celebrate her iconic, American image that is fashion-forward, accessible, comfortable and timeless."
Does anyone even remember that Jessica Simpson sings (or "sings") anymore? A zillion years ago, the woman became famous not for her voice, but for being on a terrible reality show with the dude from 98 Degrees and having a dad who wanted to whore her out. Now that she's all grown up, though, she's become a fashion designer and hawks clothing and accessories, including some we found at Dillard's:
We don't hate it. That's something, right?
We're going to be honest: The Jessica Simpson Collection has a couple of not-awful things, this being one of them. Sure, the little black dress sort of reminds us of a Stevie Nicks frock, but we might buy it on clearance. Things could be worse.
Thumbs wayyyyyy down.
Oh, look, things are worse! Um, yeah, we're going to avoid bag dresses with ugly prints that make us look eight sizes bigger than what we are. Thanks, though. Surprise: This sack costs way more than a month's supply of PBR for a house of hipsters. Yeesh.
Celebrity: Rapper Sean Combs (Diddy, P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, Puffy)
Clothing Line: Sean John
Brand promise: "Sean 'Diddy' Combs has always incorporated his acute sense of style into every aspect of his life. In 1998, Mr. Combs decided to fulfill a life-long dream when he launched a signature collection of sportswear under his name Sean John. Mr. Combs created the line to fill a void in the market for well-made, sophisticated, fashion-forward clothing that also reflected his sensibility and style."
Sean Combs has done well as a fashion entrepreneur. Ol' Diddy's line has been going strong since 1998, and it's now one of the most successful celebrity clothing lines in history. The man's rightfully got some swagger, and he brings some of that to his fashion line, which pushes a mix of beachy, preppy and street looks. We found some interesting things at Macy's.
The epitome of baller prep, y'all.
OK, maybe we should take back what we said about swagger. This definitely is not the milkshake that would call all the girls to a dude's yard.
"Pro: The cardigan is amazingly soft. Con: It fits like a wet paper bag and doops off the shoulders the way a used condom hangs off a chain-link fence," Wicentowski says. "Also, I look like a human Twizzler."
Twizzlers are yummy, and we're down with a safe-sex message, but there's no chance of getting laid if you're wearing this, anyway.
Good for milking cows or tagging buildings.
We're all about a colorful wardrobe, but it's time to drop the red pants -- and we don't mean in the sexy way. This city-man-pretending-to-like-the-back-country look isn't 100 percent horrible, but some slim-fit dark jeans would do a world of good.
"The vest, unsuprisingly, was apparently designed for maximum puffiness. It's quite substantial, sturdy even, like a life preserver stuck with a bunch of random buckles and pockets. (Note: I would not suggest using this vest as an actual life preserver, lest you are torn apart by fashion-conscious sharks.)," Wicentowski says.
Continue for more by Diddy and Madonna's finest boob enhancers.